Feel Alive!

Choose to be whomever you please; imaginary or real.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Woah! Cool thing.

I'm at the office. My co-worker Matt is playing this great song "Mad World" by Gary Jules. I loveee this song! He played it about 3 or 4 times on repeat until he finally got sick of playing it. About 5 minutes later, I hear the song come on. But this time, it's not coming from Matt's computer ... it's coming from the radio! The station we have on at work played the same song 5 minutes after he had it on repeat. This station has NEVER played that song before. And I would have known because I love it! I turned around to look at Matt, he looked at me, we both went "HUUUUH?!!!" and couldn't believe our ears.

We're still a little shaken. In a great way! Very cool.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I just said goodbye to my closest friend. My dearest friend. He was so close to my heart, and although I knew this already it always hits you much harder once they leave you. I won't even repeat the saying, cause we all know how it is.

I cried so much; I cried on the bus ride to work, and on the walk here, and at work too ... I couldn't help myself. I'm not a cryer, not at all. My body and mind hurt because of thinking back on it too much. This probably won't fade away too soon.

I dislike pity. It's a horrible emotion to be beamed. When something like this happens you just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry all alone for a couple hours, but I didn't get to do that. Instead I got to publicly display it to everyone commuting back home this afternoon. First time I've ever not been able to hold it in.

He taught me so much. I thank him for so many things I've learned throughout our year and a half long relationship. He was the one person who you could sit with and not say a word, all the while still knowing exactly what the other person's feeling. I never had to explain myself, nor did I have to hold back when I wanted to say what was on my mind. It was a clear channel, an unconditional kind of love that is irreplaceable. Unique in every way, our connection was stronger than I've ever known one to be. He's involved with a wonderful lady, and I'm happy he left room in his heart for me too.

Feels like if you stop thinking about someone you love so much, you're betraying them. Forgetting that you're sad stops feeding the ego, stops feeding emotion, stops perpetuating the harsh truth that is the fact that you are alone now. Sure, I could accept it and move on. But I don't want to. As a human being, I want to experience being torn apart by his leaving. Selfish, really, but flattering for him in a way. I know he wouldn't want me to be upset though. I don't blame him one bit, but I'm going to hold on to this for a while until my soul's fed on it enough. This is the side of me I keep hidden at all times. Emotional, Lydia? Yeah right, as if I could hide it from everyone. I try really hard but they still all know that I'm probably the most emotional person they've ever met ... I just don't show it all too well.

Anyway, enough ranting. I love you, Jason Donaldson! Miss you already.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Let go of consequence.
Live more in the moment.
Do not care what others think.
Always say what's on your mind.
Be more present and aware.
Never have any expectations.
Love all human beings.
Love all things non-human.
Love yourself entirely.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Should you fail to pilot your own ship, don't be surprised at what inappropriate port you find yourself docked.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

For the love of idioms!!

It never rains, but it pours.

Synchronicity, repetition and blatent attention grabbers are back and stronger than ever today. This morning at breakfast with my parents we had one of our usual discussions. In this case, this was about my sister who had just gotten a job and then got another call from the restaurant we were at for an interview. I said "Well, we all know what they say, it never rains, but it pours!" I went home after food, and decided to watch one of my favorite movies (teehee) Gone in Sixty Seconds -- my jaw dropped when I heard one of the characters say that exact same line. About an hour ago -- now I'm sitting at work -- my boss says "It's been so quiet here today! Hope your night isn't too slow!" And then I automatically told her that it'd automatically get busy since she "jinxed" it. Oddly (or not-so-oddly) enough, a customer walked in about 2 seconds later. In poured the customers, after there were none for a long, long time. There it was again.

Lots of little things like that today, too many to retell. Perhaps I'll start my day off with an idiom and let it make my day unfold a specific way!

Monday, November 22, 2010

"you my friend

are a renaissance woman in a time when peoples true passions and talents are choked out by the monetary structure that we live within

and for that, I sympathize"

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I get up in the morning and go to work. These days it doesn't bother me because my outlook on life is at a stage where interacting with the world is a splendid thing. It's all in the way you see it, isn't it? Somedays are harder to adjust to than others, of course, but lately it's been easy. One thing this new-found cold weather is good at is slapping you in the face with your own reality. You run into it like you would a seethrough glass door. The air you're breathing in refreshes and rejuvinates your innards. Your skin tightens up and for a rare magical moment you're aware of your own bodily limitations, of the biggest organ that you inhabit, that keeps the physical and not-so-physical parts of you from spilling all over the place. It shakes your perception and lets you be a mere bystander, as you examine yourself more closely, as you try to obliviate your senses from the cold.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Strange day today! Woke up noticing that I was very in my thoughts -- tried to get away from that, tried to just feel out my surroundings, my body, blurr out thought processing, but no matter what I just reverted back to my head. It's a beautiful day outside, so sunny! Usually on sunny days I'm clear of any negativity or struggle.

The world seems very materialistic to me right now, which is a VERY rare occasion in Lydia-land. I'm always all dreamy, in my own world, thinking that I don't have to do anything special for things to come to me.

I'm a spiritual being but there are times when I need some rest from thinking so hard about things (although it's easier said than done). It feels nice to just accept things as they are and go with the flow. Get to partake in friend's conversations without automatically thinking that it's all bullshit, or below me, or not of me. It feels good to live this way for a while.

What's funny though is that even when you don't try to feel the synchronicity around you, things just happen ... they stare you right in the face. Once you've started noticing patterns in the world they don't just disappear. They stick around -- forever. No need to make a big deal out of it though, I suppose. It is what it is!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Let go of everything that you know;
Only then can the information flow.


Pavement displaying solid performance, hovering close under my feet. Soft to the touch, but what is soft and what is touch? Sweet melodies fly through the air and find my ears, following into an abyss of blissful sounds and still the beauty of the world never seizes to excite the senses; so much bigger than I.
Like a moth to a flame,
attracted to fame and the wrong things
that humans seek to fulfill,
replacing those real feelings
and emotions for unsatisfying
and chaotic sensations.
Let us blind the folks,
covet the truth,
send them to outerspace,
confuse the hell out of you.
Just keep the real stuff from coming out,
coming true, becoming real,
becoming you.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Not very much production at this point in time. I've been drawing kind of constantly, but not finishing anything. Dabbling into different projects at the same time. I've been partying more than I've ever done in my life, and trying some new "interesting" things. They're fun, they're great -- live while you're young, or so they say. I'll live any time I want, actually, whether I'm young or old! Glad I'm getting this phase out of the way 'cause you need to... unwind, dance, relax, chill, party, dance more.

I've been on auto pilot most of the week and I've been observing my brain and the way it functions under the influence of different scenes and things. I do still have some insecurities, my ego still takes judgement, and I'm working on that. First step; admitting you have something to work on.

Not much to say here other than I'm flustered and stressed but too "out of it" to feel the stress. Lots of things going on, halloween is around the corner, and my body somehow is managing to engage properly and move along with the times.

Monday, October 18, 2010

What makes my heart beat is knowing that I've immortalized a fleeting moment.
Astro.com -- best source for free daily horoscopes. Just btw.

I've been feeling down since about 2 days ago and wondering what the heck is happening to my brain. Seriously a 360 degree spin from how I felt about 2 weeks ago, when I felt my entire life finally coming into place, opportunities lining up and things organized and functioning 100%. Hurray! Easy coasting from now on! But the moment I thought this was the case, life threw a big cement block on me (quite literally, considering my previous post). Although my car being totaled was a God-send, it was a landmark for something greater spinning into existence.

I've been wanting to set goals and spin all of my actions around them. Not as easily done than said, obviously. I experimented with a few "things" this weekend and after such a dramatic change in my perception, my surroundings don't seem the same. I was warned about this happening, but at first I didn't see too much of a change. My mind's chatter has taken over, and it's not telling me much of anything useful or positive at all. Seems that the world is in a dark haze, and the weather reflects it too (or am I reflecting the weather?) My horoscope totally reflects every sudden change, and I feel a little bit less guilty knowing that the universe is projecting me in this direction (must be something good waiting for me at the end of this dull grey rainbow...) Is it because we always expect a higher power to solve our problems, to rescue us from the debris? Will we ever blame ourselves for our mistakes or for our accomplishments, or will this trend continue? Personally, I like to think of it as a reciprocation between my outside world and my inner world. Without one, you don't have the other. Therefore, the planets are reflecting my confusion and my surroundings are gloomy because of my attitude. In turn, because of the planets I'm feeling confused and because of the weather I feel gloomy.

Doesn't sound like it makes much sense but really, it makes all kinds of sense.

But really who cares about sense anyway, other than the left hemisphere of your brain?

Friday, October 15, 2010

"The Universe" (as much as I hate giving away all credit to its grandeur) has its own ways of helping you right along. A random "act of God" -- or so they call it -- happened on Sunday the 10th (10-10-10, check it out!) I was parked outside of my work, just like any other regular work day when I heard my alarm go off. I stepped outside to discover that my car had been smooshed under a tall statue of somekind. It was hard to comprehend the sight before me for a few minutes. My vehicle was parked right next to a big cement block of a post, which held up a clearance sign. A frequent customer of ours attempted to clear it and failed miserably, which resulted in a warm embrace between the post and my car.

My car was totaled, there was no doubt about it. I laughed at what had just happened, and wasn't struck by it half as much as my car was. Actually, I found this to be a miracle, a random act that set me free from making a decision of my own: To get rid of the car, or not to get rid of the car? All summer I had wanted to stop driving and just bike around town. I was too lazy to get it up to tip-top shape again and put it on the market, so I just kept driving. This solved my dilemma in one quick "tumble".

My driving and getting around isn't the only thing affected by the incident. From this, I will most likely have to find myself a new job closer to home as well, which is another thing I've been avoiding. Quitting has been on my mind for almost a year, but nothing's happened to show me that it should be done -- until now. From one tiny little incident on a day like any other, my whole life is subject to change, and quickly. Funny how "The Universe" makes those decisions for you when you're really strugglin' by yourself.

Here's the article published in the newspaper the next day!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Over the past few days I've been contemplating relationships. I've been single for about a year and a half, and it still feels as good as ever. Still, almost daily, my mind wanders to some vast romantic void where I've fallen in love and I worry nevermore about being alone. But is that satisfying? Perhaps to some.

I don't know about you, but I can't go more than a whole day with the same person. I need to get out, breathe, expand, contract, form my own ideas again ... I feel quite suffocated and exhausted after trailing along with someone, be it anyone, even the family! Even the closest of close friends will eventually feel excessive. I cannot go a day without seeing someone I love or at least admire, but I also cannot go a day without my solitude and privacy.

There's no way to draw a conclusion with something like this. There's no "I'd rather be this" or "I'd rather be that". Because every single day, every single waking moment changes as your attitude and perspective does. But I do feel that for now, the best way to be able to get all these different aspects of relationship from those around me is to stay "single" (although I don't know how I could even call myself that considering I have a bundle of people around me that I'd struggle without). Love all of it; those who come and go, those who stay, those who know what to say to stop your crying or to make you laugh your ass off at most inappropriate times.

Just know that the next moment will be totally different. It's either your mind stays the same throughout and has difficulty accepting change, or you leave your mind perceptive and open to change and let it warp along with those changes.

Ramble ramble ramble.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Drawing Philosophy

Funny. Funny how some days you pick up a pencil and you draw that figure like it's no one's business. Other days -- thankfully, they're rare -- you can't put two and two together no matter how hard you try. I find that from day to day, my visual perception of things changes dramatically, and I notice this when I put pencil to paper. Most times I won't know what kind of day it is until I start sketching.

What is it that makes you able to connect your eye to your hand? Is it space in your brain, occupied by other thoughts? Being able to clear your mind so you can let some kind of "creative energy" flow through? I've made some different connections to my drawing abilities which I'm going to try to list.

1) Shapes, blocks, negative and positive space are what my eyes grab instantly.

2) I'm not even aware that I'm using my eyes at all, it's more of a "feeling" of knowing what I'm drawing.

3) My hand and my body is loose, eager, always waiting for that next stroke, whereas some days it's a struggle to get the hand to move at all.

4) Doubt. Doubt that what I'm doing is right, judging every move I make -- from the very start knowing the drawing is blotched.

5) Feeling disconnected from the image, not relating to the subject. Sometimes there is a connection to the object/subject even though I'm not familiar with it at all, every curve I draw being familiar and cozy.

6) Stress? I'm feeling a bit more anxious today. That alters your state of mind and reception to incoming emotions (yes, I would refer to drawing as being emotional).

7) Visualization. Some days I can totally see the picture on the paper already. So then, it's almost feeling like I'm tracing over the image that my mind is projecting onto the page. So easy.

I guess I'm going to have to update this as I find new things out. Today, my brain feels a little bit more foggy, I do admit. So no matter how hard I try I can't draw what I want to be drawing. But perhaps this calls for another style of drawing? Perhaps less realism? Maybe my hand would move easier if it weren't constrained to certain lines and specific subjects. One moment, let me test this theory...

Ah yes. Feels much more comfortable without guidelines today. Wonder if I could do an anatomical drawing and get some good results.

So I can gauge my mood on my drawing abilities. Now, can I alter my mood by altering my drawing style? Or perhaps vice versa?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


You are so in control, at all times, even when you don't realise it. I read somewhere once that a positive thought can out-power numerous amounts of negative thoughts; this was certainly true for me when I felt stressed last night. Going to meet my client, I had some bad habitual patterns repeating in my mind as I drove over there: "It's going to be hard to communicate, I don't know what to say, things won't go the way I want them to" and all that nonsense jazz. I caught myself swimming in these horrible thoughts and decided that I was in control of my own life and thinking this way would get me absolutely nowhere. As much as I was still feeling my heart beat faster and faster as I approached my destination, I overlapped my negative thoughts with powerful positive ones. "I am in control, I always have the upper hand, I am the boss of my own life, everything I do and say is taken the right way, conversation flows, things will go so smoothly and be over and done with quickly".

The results surprised me. As I was telling myself these things, changing my thoughts around, I was definitely aware of the stress my body was having to endure. It might still go wrong since my body wasn't feeling the same as what I was telling it to be feeling. Boy was I wrong, though! During the meeting I realized that everything I'd told myself had come to be true once I entered the "scene". I was like a writer narrating what was about to happen, and even if the main character was hard to picture in such a situation, it just played itself out beautifully. After the meeting was over, I was so proud of myself and felt like a million bucks.

You prove these things over and over to yourself. But everyday you forget the power of it. Just keep remembering, though, because it really does get you through. If you want it, speak it, and if you don't feel it -- yet -- then just know for a fact you will when it's required to be felt, and everything will work out to be most beneficial for you when the time comes.

Monday, August 9, 2010


A philosophy on relationships, by Tom Robbins:

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

Monday, July 26, 2010


My mom's neighbors all suck. Or so she says. She's been experiencing difficulties her entire life when it comes to those living around her, and that's perhaps because of her strong sense of judgement that permeates a room no matter how badly she tries to keep her thoughts to herself. I told her that maybe, just maybe, all of this nonsense is caused by one entity only -- herself.
She looked at me strangely when I came up with this, but I told her to hear me out.
If a person can attract things to oneself, then that means we're constantly in total control of our surroundings. If all of her life, she expected to find herself surrounded by a gang of mobster neighbors, then she did. Never did she initially think, "Ah, we're moving into this new house, our neighbors are going to be lovely!" Quite the opposite, she always moved in expecting them to be a hassle. She was always scared of them, like rats swarming to infest her kitchen. This time though, she'd gotten it bad. All those years of expectations and materializing those thoughts and emotions, everyone around her was starting to go crazy on her. One of them wants to sue her, the other constantly calling the city to make sure she's following code during renovations. So, to fix this, I suggested simple mind work. "Expect them to be the most pleasant of people tomorrow. Imagine them smiling and waving, inviting you in for coffee, having a good old time. Know that you're open to having those kinds of people around you and that you want them there. The moment you let your brain know that it's possible to be surrounded in those kinds of circumstances, they'll pop up for you. Imagine that, tomorrow your neighbors have done a complete 360!" Impossible, she said. But I guess she took it seriously when I left and decided to implement this method into her life. I got a phone call when she got back from her camping trip, which was just 2 days after our discussion. "You'll never believe what happened," exclaimed my mother, "I got out of the car this afternoon and was greeted by THAT woman, you know, that crazy one? She waved, said hello, talked about the dog and how cute he was in the car, ..." she went on describing her bewilderment as she witnessed the Law of Attraction at its finest. The universe (which really, is simply a reflection of the way she puts out her feelings and emotions and thoughts) finally delivered the one thing she never thought she could have -- simply because now, she believed she could and made it happen.

Crazy story. True story. The kind of story that leaves you gasping for air because you wish you'd thought of doing it first. If it's that simple then why can't we all just have what we want? I'll let you answer that one.

Monday, July 19, 2010


A friend and I were talking about living your life to the fullest and actually doing something that is "worthwhile". When your time ends -- when everyone around you just finally moves on to the "next" -- what will we classify as a life well lived? Does that even exist? Our consciousness flows through this energy at this moment and builds our lives, but does it really matter how you move about? In the end, all you've done is change the way you're spending your energy ('cause you know, that's all we are). In the grand scheme of things, that energy has no positive or negative ways of being spent. All energy is exactly the same.

In conclusion, I suppose the only way you could classify a life well lived is if you felt happy doing what you were doing, whether experiencing ecstacy through a long hike through the mountains or taking the drug for a mind trip. Sitting on your couch and eating popcorn or going to live concerts, following trends and jumping on bandwagons.

You can be happy. If you want to be.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


"It is ignorance of yourself that makes you afraid and also unaware that you are afraid. Don't try not to be afraid. Break down the wall of ignorance first.

People are afraid to die, because they do not know what is death. The jnani has died before his death, he saw that there was nothing to be afraid of. The moment you know your real being, you are afraid of nothing. Death gives freedom and power. To be free in the world, you must die to the world. Then the universe is your own, it becomes your body, an expression and a tool. The happiness of being absolutely free is beyond description. On the other hand, he who is afraid of freedom cannot die." -- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


"The gods have a great sense of humor, don't they? If you lack the iron and the fizz to take control of your own life, if you insist on leaving your fate to the gods, then the gods will repay your weakness by having a grin or two at your expense. Should you fail to pilot your own ship, don't be surprised at what inappropriate port you find yourself docked." -- Tom Robbins

Sunday, July 4, 2010


Existance can be rearranged.


We seek improvement and growth inside ourselves through the things we create, build, and construct outside of ourselves. Now, is this a good thing or a bad thing? Will we ever be whole this way, or will we always be longing for more? Is there an end to this constant need to grow? Perhaps we should bask in contentment for a change.


"They fell asleep smiling. It is to erase the fixed smiles of sleeping couples that Satan trained roosters to crow at five in the morning." -- Tom Robbins

Loved this line in the book I'm reading.

Monday, June 14, 2010


You gotta follow your feet. You gotta feel that inner compass, the intuition that flows with nature and knows in which direction you should be heading at all times. That pull feels amazing. Perhaps this is why we have drive to do one thing and perhaps not so much another. Our bodies know which one is useful and which is ... well, useless to our growth and overall well-being.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Great quote I found in an article today:

You have something in yourself that is fundamentally, basically good. It transcends the notion of good or bad. Something that is worthwhile, wholesome, and healthy exists in all of us.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


About me from Astro.com (really accurate!):

The world of human relationship means everything to you, and the feelings of others are primary on the scale of your values. Yet you are often caught in a conflict between your need for warmth and closeness with others, and your need for privacy, space and the freedom to pursue your own interests - which often involve abstract concepts quite divorced from human reality. You have great compassion for the problems of others, and may often find yourself playing the role of the good mother or father [gotta pay for more from this point on ...]

Your sensitivity and compassion for others combines with realism and practicality about life, thus making you one of the most reliable and supportive of companions and friends. Your valuing of others and your tactful response to their needs is enhanced by common sense [and pay more from this point on ...]

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Learn to see everything as plenty, not as not enough! Such a huge thing that's been engraved into my being my entire life. I may have money saved up but it's never enough! Oh no it's depleting, I'm going to run out! A friend of mine has left town, I don't have any more friends!

Switch it around. When you look at your bank account, no matter the amount, think to yourself "Wow, I've got plenty of money!" When you think of the people in your life, appreciate every one of them and know you've got plenty of people around you that care! Plenty of time! Plenty of space! Plenty of energy to circulate and go around!!

Memo to self!


Life and death are but two opposites of a whole. Appreciate death as much as you do your life, for neither would exist without both coinciding. You are inevitably perpetually feeding the beast that preys upon you -- but do not fear! For this is the cycle of life ... and death.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Being confined to a building -- 4 walls -- is totally mind boggling. We feel as though we're breathing in the air of only the room we're in. As though the energy we are living and experiencing in that moment is only the energy inside the four walls. But think outside the box! You're still in open space beyond those walls, are you not? Why should you feel confined at all? Do we feel confined because the ozone layer keeps us from being connected to the solar system? Or because of the particles of matter surrounding our bodies? Or even, the skin on our bodies -- is that restricting us from feeling free? There's so many levels you could take it to that four walls, in the end, is really nothing to fret. Perhaps to the mind, but when we're talking energy -- it's all the same shit anyway.


So what do you do when you start your day off badly? When you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or you wake up just fine but the next thing you do is stub your toe on the desk, and you don't have the strength or will power to make yourself laugh through it? Are you destined to be angry or overwhelmed or stressed out or sad all day long?

I don't know what it is that makes every single day different from the next .. when you think about it, a "day" is only determined by you going to sleep and waking up. What if we never slept? How would we gauge our difference in mood, when would it "switch" over? And why is it that waking up from sleep means we have to switch our mood at all? I want to feel happy at ALL times -- so what's stopping me?

We have to keep in mind that we are the only ones who can affect our mood. But even when you're conscious of feeling shitty, you personally have no idea how to trigger that happy mood, how to get rid of that little aching pain in your heart that is carried along with you throughout the day. But sometimes we're blessed with a trigger; we see a butterfly, or someone tells you you're beautiful, or you find a $10 bill on the ground. What is it that makes these things make you see the world differently? is it because we forget how beautiful we are, how beautiful our earth is? Is it the strain of monotonous work, day after day, that is remembered on grey gloomy days?

This post is mostly made up of rhetorical questions ... but hopefully while reading this you'll wonder why you're in a bad mood right now and remember that you can change it instantly. Think of something pretty. Think back on a wicked bad-ass day and how good you felt when you were in that brighter state of mind.

Sunday, May 9, 2010


"A thousand years is but an instant. There's nothing new, nothing different. The same pattern over and over. The same clouds, the same music, the same insight I felt an hour or an eternity ago. There's nothing here for me now, nothing at all. Now I remember. This happened to me before. This is why I left. You have begun to find your answers. Although it will seem difficult, the rewards will be great. Exercise your human mind as fully as possible, knowing it is only an exercise. Build beautiful artifacts, solve problems, explore the secrets of the physical universe, savor the input from all the senses, feel the joy and sorrow, the laughter, the empathy, compassion and tote the emotional memory in your travel bag. I remember where I came from and how I became a human, why I hung around, and now my final departure is scheduled. This way out. Escaping velocity. Not just eternity, but infinity."

Thursday, May 6, 2010


Is it not true that liking a specific band, song, or kind of music is simply remembering the fact that you liked them a moment ago? a year ago? If everything is but a fleeting moment, your love for music only relates to the person you were then. Perhaps jazz put me in a state of ecstasy an hour ago while this other techno loud beat-filled music is inspiring me now.

So how can anyone ever tell another what music they're into?


"It's just that moment, which is holy. You know, like this moment, it's holy. But we walk around like it's not holy. We walk around like there's some holy moments and there are all the other moments that are not holy, right, but this moment is holy, right? But, like, who can live that way? Who can go, "Wow, holy"? Because if I were to look at you and just really let you be holy, I don't know, I would, like, stop talking."

"Well, you'd be in the moment, I mean ...."


"The moment is holy."

"Yeah, but I'd be open. And then I'd look in your eyes, and I'd cry, and I'd like feel all this stuff and that's like not polite. I mean it would make you feel uncomfortable."

(Long moments pass with them staring at each other)

"Everything is layers, isn't it?"


"I mean, there's the holy moment and then there's the awareness of trying to have the holy moment, in the same way that film is the actual moment really happening, but then the character pretending to be in a different reality. And it's all these layers. And, uh, I was in and out of the holy moment looking at you. Can't be in a holy ..."

What a great scene.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


For I do not await the future, anticipating salvation, absolution, not even enlightenment through process. I, I subscribe to the premise that this ... this flawed perfection is sufficient and complete in every single ineffable moment.

... a single ego is an absurdly narrow vantage from which to view this ... this experience. And where most consider their individual relationship to the universe, I contemplate relationships ... of my various selves to one another.

You know, they say that dreams are real only as long as they last. Couldn't you say the same thing about life?

To the functional system of neural activity that creates our world, there is no difference between dreaming a perception and an action, and actually the waking perception and action.


"The quest is to be liberated from the negative, which is really our own will to nothingness. And once having said yes to the instant, the affirmation is contagious. It bursts into a chain of affirmations that knows no limit. To say yes to one instant is to say yes to all of existence." - Otto Hofmann

Waking Life

A few things led to me watching the movie Waking Life. Best movie I've seen in quite some time, the kind of movie that makes you think and makes you want to watch it 10 times to understand it.

I would attempt to quote the movie but I'd have to just post the entire transcript on here. I would suggest you just see it for yourself and conclude. Or, you could just visit the transcript!


Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Let not Time bend your will, but rather will Time to bend for you.


"Sense to whom?" Something only makes sense when there is sense to be made. For what is sense? How does humanity come to terms with it and fully agree on what is true? One could think the words make much sense, while another is lost in gibberish.

On another note, ever asked someone a question and automatically answered it for yourself? Perhaps the only way to get information is to ask aloud for it.


If you start focusing in too much on a specific goal, you can lose sight of the bigger picture. "If you look too closely at the bark you may lose sight of the forest." - Matthieu Rheaume


Stop thinking that today is the only day! Only know that everything is perfect.

Tout Est Parfait.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

"If you don't know the way, just wait. Relax. Dream. Go to sleep. Meditate until emptiness occurs. It is then that sentient awareness tends to re-create reality and set us on new paths, again and again. Another beginning of a new consciousness occurs." -- Arnold Mindell
"Upon learning to "see" a man becomes everything by becoming nothing. He vanishes and yet he's there. This is the time a man can be or get anything he desires. But he desires nothing and meets his fellow men in the midst of their folly. A man who "sees" controls his folly, and it has detached him from everything he knew before." - Don Juan


Oppressors and oppressed meet at the end, and the only thing that prevails is that life was altogether too short for both.


"Learn to reduce your wants to nothing. As long as you think you are a victim, life will be hell. What makes us "happy" is to want. Yet if we learned to cut our wants to nothing, the smallest thing we'd get would be a true gift. To be poor or wanting is only a thought, or to hate or to be hungry or be in pain." - A Seperate Reality


We are constantly living different lives, one after the other. Only memory links us to our previous lives. A life can be full of lives -- for an entire lifetime can happen every single second.


The sun seeks your skin to sink into.


I go on living because I have my will. I have tempered my will until it's wholesome and now it doesn't matter to me that nothing matters. My will controls my folly of my life.


The moment you experience total disassociation with form, it is hard to see why we must be or do anything that we're used to doing as a human being. Our absolute state is so simple, so beautiful the way it is, yet we decided to create this physical reality. The two states are night and day. Once you know of both, you live knowing that you must accept your own folly.

"It's possible to insist, to properly insist, even though we know that what we're doing is useless. But we must know first that our acts are useless and yet we must proceed as if we didn't know it. That's a sorcerer's controlled folly."
"I am happy that you asked me about controlled folly yet it wouldn't have mattered in the least if you didn't. I have chosen to feel happy, as if I cared that you asked, as if it mattered that I care. That is controlled folly!" - Don Juan


Pain is only part of this physical world. The moment you forget your connection to within, you start feeling the effects. You have to accept the reality you're in, and embrace it if you want to be happy. You would be miserable your entire life if you didn't accept the fact that you must live like a human being. If all already is, then we should never try to change it. Just love every moment and every moment will be exactly what you wanted.

There are so many levels of perception, and every day I'm shown a brand new reality I never knew existed. We've shape shifted our being into these human forms to understand each other, bounce off and reflect off one another. What comes first, our individual consciousness or the world's consciousness, the collective?


I absolutely go crazy when I see a word that I can't pronounce. English is such a strange language.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


If I mind what I do, constantly, if I try to feel every sensation moment after moment and truly see what it is I'm looking at; my mind, body and energy flow effortlessly with the fabric of time and there is absolutely no stress. It's a wonderful feeling -- and others around you feel your laid back, carefree energy and it usually rubs off on them too.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


Name: Lydia Beauregard

Name Meaning

Your name at birth was a set up! It set the stage for who you would become and the people and events you would be likely to attract. It helped to shape your perspective of life, your energy level and your attitudes. It helped to determine your level of self-esteem and your future potential for success or for struggle. Everything is energy in motion. Everything, including you - is like a powerful, broadcasting satellite - emanating distinct, vibrational frequencies that magnetically attract your experiences. What frequency is your name set to?
Soul Urge: 32 / 5
(Vowels: YIAEAUEA)
Your Soul Urge - The Song of Your Soul - A Deeper Look Into What Motivates You

The Soul Urge number has also been called Heart's Desire and Spiritual Urge. It is our secret, innermost longing. Our dream, our motivation, the fuel that energizes our journey. The Soul Urge number reveals what we secretly strive to be or accomplish. Some have said that this number tells us what we have been in previous lifetimes, the accumulated growth of our soul.

Variety is what drives you. For this reason travel, the arts, education and self expression are areas where you are likely to be found. Freedom to choose, to move about without limitation, to absorb information and to observe life are imperative to your inner health and happiness. You crave stimulation and may be drawn to exhilarating adventures and death-defying sports. Your sensual nature will lead the way.
Personality: 38 / 11 / 2
(Consonants: LDBRGRD)
Your Personality - The Impression You Make upon the World

The Personality number describes the way we appear to the outside world, the first impression people have of us. We may not even be aware of how we are perceived by others because we are so often focused on our inner world, and many times the inner does not match the outer. Personality gives us a peek at some hidden talents we have. The talents that we use to get along in the world and in some instances, protect us from it. It is likened to a bag of tools (jewels) that we carry with us along the way.

You have a very neat, composed appearance to the outside world. Peaceful and unobtrusive, you are the one people go to for companionship and harmony. You seem to have a quiet, non-judgmental wisdom which attracts those needing advise and an objective point of view. Your ability to see both sides of a situation makes you appear indecisive.
Some may detect a glow around you and feel drawn to you by fate. The glow is a reflection of the refined and inspirational energy that courses through you, seemingly from other worlds. You may be an artistic genius or any other kind for that matter, but one thing is for sure, you have a powerful effect on anyone who enters your life. You are not afraid to recreate yourself as is necessary at your accelerated pace and other people follow your example becoming more of who they really are.
Expression: 70 / 7

Your Expression - Character, Talents and Identity - Your Unique Quality of Consciousness

The Expression number shows us who we truly are, what we came into this life already knowing. This is where we feel most comfortable and how we automatically act. We attract people and situations to us that require our Expression so that they can further evolve. In this way we play the role of teacher. Naturally we are attracted to occupations that we resonate to, so the Expression number can be a strong factor in our choice of a career as well. Our Expression is the vehicle, with all its virtues and vices, that drives us along the path of our Destiny. It is the essence of our identity.

Yours is the path of the mind. Silence and solitude are your doorways into the deep recesses of the mind and the universe. You are the philosopher, the analyst, the seeker and if you'd be willing, the teacher. The time and energy that you spend discovering the microscopic core of things has gifted you with the ability to tap into psychic energy. It is with this energy that you can separate the true from the false.

Friday, April 2, 2010


"Acknowledging fear is not a cause for depression or discouragement. Because we possess such fear, we also are potentially entitled to experience fearlessness. Fearlessness is not the reduction of fear, but its transcendence -- going beyond fear."

Thursday, April 1, 2010


Seperate the five senses -- this is how you exercise your concentration.


Associating the cosmic, multi-dimensional chakras with specific flowers will give you an image that you can use to explore the numerous non-physical aspects of your identity.


I listen to this music and it awakens something in me. Something so strong it's impossible to deny it from myself. Makes feelings come through which I can't really explain -- like I know who I want to be and I'm so much closer to becoming it. Music resonates within my soul. I must do something with it. It's ridiculous.


To some you're the smartest person alive. To others, anything you say or do equates to utter destruction. How is it that chemistry lets us experience these different ways of expressing ourselves? To him I am constantly prophesizing; being the oracle that I know I am -- it's like I'm talking to myself, my mind chatter being spoken aloud. But to the other conversation never flows, blockades are brought forth that you will never be able to tear down.



Thai Sauce

1/2 cup olive oil
1/2 cup soya sauce
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
2 tbsp tahini
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp cayenne
1/4 tsp chili powder
2 tbsp maple syrup
2 tbsp agave
1/2 tsp garlic powder
2 tbsp miso



"Have courage. We cannot emphasize enough: have courage. Follow your inner guidance and trust yourselves. Call energy into your physical bodies and utilize it. Defy the laws of humanity, because that is what you came here to do." -- Bringers of the Dawn


"Your power ends where your fear begins."


Unknown date and time:

This weekend I was on Pender Island. Very refreshing, good to be away from real life for a few days. I love the island's mentality -- everyone here makes up a whole in which we all must maintain and work together to make it thrive. Everyone here is so friendly and caring! I was driving past a lady with her dog and she turned around,s miled and waved as if she totally knew me for years and years. It was heartwarming to say the least. I know, sounds silly, but that's what community should be. Treat all as your neighbor and contributor to your beautiful surrounding world. We are interconnected, others simply offering a different perspective on what we are viewing and experiencing from our own two eyes.


"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent."

"Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

"Art is the most passionate orgy within man's grasp."

-- John Donne

Man was this guy ever awesome.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


All of life is illusion, and limitation is just a mental construct that can be altered at any time.


“Maybe if we are surrounded in beauty, someday we will become what we see.” – Jewel


You may pick and choose what your next experience will be on this magnificent, abundant playground of unlimited accessible knowledge. How will you live your next moment?


“Now”. “Later”. “Then”. “Two days from now”. You are, you were, you will be. Everything is but a fleeting moment. If you aren't happy doing nothing, you'll never be happy doing anything.


Meditate without knowing what your goal is – if you don’t focus on what you are doing, something will come to you. Don’t put words or names to your practice, as that limits your thought process and how your heart interprets the emotions and images coming through your head.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Everything and anything is made of the same material -- energy. If my energy were not concentrated on these other energies, they would not exist. The moment I disappear, all around me disappears. I have complete control over what happens to me and what happens around me. Time is one grand illusion for my mind and body to keep track.

The moment I let go of a concept such as time I begin to relax and go with the flow. I end up being in the right place at the right time and the stress is totally and utterly relieved. Let time float around you but like water: you are a separate entity from time therefore do not have to associate with it. "Time" does not exist when you simply live in the moment.


Write a song and only hum to it -- you can't write lyrics because what you want to express has no words.


As much as language is a barrier when we can't understand each other, it is just as much a barrier when we do. The moment we acknowledge fact and meaning we no longer are the Source. We have good and bad, straight and gay, be and not be. The words I write now are useless to one who simply "exists". We may feel the emotions if we must and learn a great deal from them, but describing these emotions defeats the purpose.


Spontaneous, mischievous, all about the mysterious. Haven’t been through enough to know what I’m talking about. Don’t preach and teach if you haven’t lived and breathed it as your own. Don’t think it’s over in a flash, cause one flash and your life begins. Stop trying to sing on cue: it’s all about guess work.

Separation is key when you want to find yourself amongst the debris and chaos of the human race. My hair blows in the wind and it reminds me of your fairness. I have no experience to speak of, but does that mean I have no say in the matter?

The Premise

This blog now exists because I was given an ICBC notepad about a year ago for sending in a few ideas for their pulse polls. This may mean nothing to any of you, but I find that it's the most ridiculously awesome insignificant event ever. If it weren't for this happening, I don't think I would ever have started jotting down thoughts, mind babble, or overheard comments.

When I'm feeling down and out, this little notepad is my saviour. It picks me right back up because everything in there is a reflection of who I am in the present moment at any given time. The thoughts jotted down on these 2" x 3" lined pages represent my entire world -- a whole universe -- in one fleeting moment.

I hope you enjoy these. But if you don't ... I guess I really couldn't give a !@#$%.