I wanted to have it here for safekeeping as it is a ramble about where I’m at right now.
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dear friend,
this is so exciting for you! glad to hear it’s calling you. more on Iboga in a minute. first you have to read the novel you inspired…. hehe.
since Peyote I have been super alert of my insides and my environment, while feeling absolutely normal and as if nothing happened (save the memory of it). it’s been imprinted in my being though, and am experiencing some small serendipities which is always a treat. those haven’t shown up in a really long time. I am definitely sensitive since, and the past couple of days were fucked. I started bleeding yesterday which explains a alot, but circumstances are exacerbating this sensitivity. Andrew’s dog died two days ago, she got hit by a truck. it happened shortly after I was at the field with her, exchanging some really special soft moments. it’s unreal; I pet her face and we stared into each others eyes so deeply and time stopped. thinking back on it, I think she was saying goodbye. I can’t believe how much grief I am feeling … I haven’t felt that since my childhood dog died when I was probably 12. I am finding out I loved her a lot, and I loved what she brought to our community and specifically for Andrew. so I have also been feeling grief for him as if he were me (all projections, surely). feeling much much better today, lighter, as we had a beautiful ceremony last night at the field for her where friends came and grieved together. her body was on an altar, surrounded by flowers and candles and sticks and balls. oh my heart. thinking about loss, about not having (and having), about the shortness of things and life itself. these thoughts and feelings are opening me up to the full breadth of my sadness, touching on the stuff that is deep deep down below, awakened on salt spring, the stuff that screams “this isn’t fair! this is frustrating!”
that little kid again.
and through it all I feel so much gratitude. I always knew grief would amplify my gratitude, and I always knew I’d grow so much as a human once it started trickling down into my life (as it is now, slowly more intense …) one small and silly, but pertinent event; a day or two after coming home from the ceremony I stumbled on a squirrel that had fallen from a tree, stuck in a specific curled posture on her back, and I couldn’t help but give her a proper acknowledgement and place her neatly by the trunk and place flowers there. no one in the world would care. there are millions of squirrels in that very instant that fell from a tree and died. were they all deserving of ceremony? does it matter that one of them was acknowledged? I thought of death in that moment, and of ceremony, and of all the things. and then here it is, the death of a Loved Creature, a small creature that had such a big impact on many lives that was here for such a short time. seeing Andrew so devastated, losing his one true devoted Lover … ergh. life is wicked.
anyway! all that and I am well today. managing to get some creation in. the weather is turning. it’s amplifying the solitude. felt into my frustration in relationship, with my moon happening, just wanting to be held and safe and loved but still feeling so much distance, physically and emotionally. this is annoyingly good for inspiration (once I get over the paralyzing emotions that stop me from doing anything), so I am welcoming all.
so about Iboga. I am really surprised with the answer I am receiving from my body. it’s been a no from the start, somehow, and the phone call with the lady confirmed it. I am one who has always chosen the mind altering, revolutionary, awaken-in-a-moment path no matter the discomfort, but since saying no to my sister’s cabin in the middle of fucking nowhere, I’ve realized I want a winter of solace, not solitude, and for solace I want comfort, and I want to allow myself to feel good and great and even maybe amazing in the place I rest. the thought of this Iboga journey makes my heart twitch: enough discomfort Lydia. the learning now is where I am, as who I am, not over there. my intention at our ceremony was to deepen into myself, root and love myself more and more. and I really understand that I don’t love myself enough to allow deliciousness. I never fully believe that I deserve to be comfortable. this winter I am allowing that river to flood in, so maybe my body can unclench and loosen up and heal ….. god damn!
yesterday I reorganized my entire house, which will guide me into eventually making art at home! major necessary step in believing I can solo it at home for hours at a time. it feels nice and cozy, I think you’ll like it.
thank you for bringing this novel out of me. it’s a grey (COLD!!) rainy day and I’ve already bled through my pants and I’m at my fave joint drinking coffee and I am so into it. thinking of you. wish I could be in ceremony with you on Gambier, it’s going to be so, so special. so much of me wants to go be with my best friends and share a mind-blowing experience. alas, this one will happen without me. very excited for you to continue deepening into your life mission, I really do think this medicine is right for you. please please go, come back and show me the way through your experience …
