Rambles About Work

Time and Money
At what cost will I sell my services? Yes, there is a price to the hours of my day. That price fluctuates, changes, inflates, increases with time and experience. Yes. But that is just money. What about the other currency; time? How much time will I give to the work? How much of my energy will be consumed in time, stress and anxiety keeping me working through the evening and night, moving through my dreams and startling me awake?

Doing the Work (and failing)
I am torn. I want the work. I want to be wealthy, and have money to spend on occasions, festivities, on my loved ones, and importantly health and emergencies. My whole life I have lived with the minimum. I never believed I needed much. Things are changing with age, as I ponder what I want in life, who I want in life, what I want to surround myself with, and what the trade off is worth. I want to live well, happy, healthy, and sure, with money to spend. I want to make my clients happy too, give them what they really want. Whatever they envision, I'd like to give them that. The hardest part of my work is probably having to show a process that isn't perfect. The process IS the work, and I've learned that. But I wish everything in the process was perfect - then I wouldn't be stressed, then I wouldn't worry about how much work I'm putting in. It would all just come out beautiful every time I put pen to page or stroke to design.

Choice
No matter what, if I do something I love, I will experience the heartache and the stress. How do I know that I should be continuing, moving forward with what I've got? How do I know that this is the best version of me, the best version of my work? What if I am keeping myself from diving into something much more ... Me? What a first world question this is, I realize. The simple power of being able to choose what I want to do with my time, and especially what I want to do with my time for money, is absolutely a privilege. At what point am I not using this privilege properly?

Who?

I am a composition of all the things I have said yes and no to. All of the people I have allowed in.

No wonder we're all so confused as teenagers and young adults! We haven't chosen enough yet; the world hasn't happened to us enough yet, to make a solid report about who we are. We are constantly wondering who we are. But we do not have a who unless we add up all of our past actions.

Yes, I am all of the good and bad of the history I built for myself.

Yet, I remain a mystery to the next day. To the next moment. My decisions will certainly be based on yesterday's, but only as much as I am willing to sacrifice the new me for the old.

If I am brave enough

If I am brave enough,
I will wait an eternity for you.
Not only wait -
I will give it to you,
hand you time,
for there is nothing else to give.
The only currency
for our love
is time.
Holding on to this abundance
will only make you slip away
through my fingertips.
Note by note,
key by key,
the black and the white ones,
depicting the saddest melody,
the longest chorus,
the bridge that never ends,
where your love waits on the other side
of every note of the song of our lives.

If I am brave enough,
if I open my eyes to the darkness
that falls before the day,
if only I can see the silence
between
which creates the space,
where the sound takes shape;
then I can give it all.
With the eternal exchange
of the currency of time,
we can be wrapped in harmony
forever.

Brrr

"The feelings and thoughts pop up sometimes, but the cold and the stars move me through."