Sunday, July 21, 2013
Still trying to master staying at home by myself. Most times I end up trying to find something to do anywhere but home, and it truly does not fulfill me. And no matter how much I know this, I keep doing it again and again. Am I afraid to be alone? Am I afraid of being bored? Perhaps unseen. I have this weird personal theory that if I don’t see anyone and they don’t see me then whatever I’m doing actually doesn’t exist. That’s probably wrong.
Feeling “lost” is a difficult state of mind. I’ve been in this as of late, although I think I know what I want. I’ve been reading books about how to get what I want. I’ve been soaking in my surroundings, trying to see what’s there for me, staying open to new opportunities. I have many personal projects I want to get started on, but my motivation to get these done is low lately. I wish there was a button to crank up my passion volume. I have love for my hobbies and activities inside my body – I can feel it, it’s right there – but I can’t pull it out efficiently. Actually, it shouldn’t be about efficiency whatsoever. It should just be done, whether I’m in the mood for it or not, whether my mind allows it to be fun or not.
When I had my fashion show at the end of the school year just a month or so ago it was the climax of my career as a fashion design student. Everything built up to it, and nothing could take it away. It was either I made it or I didn’t. I loved how much stuff there was to get done: planning, scheduling, fabricating, locating, searching, gathering … bringing to life. It was brilliant, and I felt brilliant also. I was in control and yet I had to trust that things and people around me would work out as efficiently as I had planned in my mind. I had a vision and even though only part of it was manifested, things got done and the show HAD to go on. I will forever be grateful for such an experience, as now I am measuring my new experiences against this larger-than-I accomplishment. I want something to mirror the way I felt when I was in it. I struggle by myself, so I know I need a conductor to my orchestra. I want to pick out the players in this orchestra, plan the concert, and then sit back and watch as my life – the music – plays itself.