Feel Alive!

Choose to be whomever you please; imaginary or real.

Monday, July 17, 2017


Music! Music.

Music fills my heart. Seeing music live fills my heart with gratitude, desire, fulfillment, understanding, empathy, love for the people who make it, who want to be heard, who express themselves to the fullest and show others they can do the same.

I admire the time they've put into their music. There are so many things we can do with our time, and using it in the midst of music, mostly in solitude, is a difficult choice for me (and I wonder if it is for them). So, I appreciate those who put in that time. The effort. The time spent alone. The growth, the sharing of their craft. The retreat so they may come out with a big bang and be the fullest version of themselves. Showcase their amazing gift to the world.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Blood in your Heart

I’d like to be a nest if you were a little bird.
I’d like to be a scarf if you were a neck and were cold.
If you were music, I’d be an ear.
If you were water, I’d be a glass.
If you were light, I’d be an eye.
If you were a foot, I’d be a sock.
If you were the sea, I’d be a beach.
And if you were still the sea, I’d be a fish, and I’d swim in you.
And if you were the sea, I’d be salt.
And if I were salt, you’d be lettuce, an avocado or at least a fried egg.
And if you were a fried egg, I’d be a piece of bread.
And if I were a piece of bread, you’d be butter or jam.
If you were jam, I’d be the peach in the jam.
If I were a peach, you’d be a tree.
And if you were a tree, I’d be your sap…
And I’d course through your arms like blood.
And if I were blood, I’d live in your heart.
Claudio Bertoni

Molecular Vehicular

I swear, I'm still on a boat.

I'm still floating on the ocean.

I'm still surrounded by salty molecules.

As my insides try to settle themselves onto flat land, I try to find focus. It's hard to pin point.  My life revolves around other lives, around other people's beauty, around emotion and large scale things. I may be whole unto my self, but I am larger than whole, I am infinite, when I am with others.

How can I ensure my retreat into self so I may present what I have to offer when I come back into it?

Focus Lydia, focus, so you may be ambiguous once more.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Always Arriving

Perhaps we're all riding our own wave, and meet at intersections. Points in space and time when we discover each other, for a short moment or a lifetime, where we notice each other and attend each other's mentality but eventually must fade back into our own. A big web, constantly flowing, arriving, leaving, witnessed, unnoticed.

"The idea is to remain in a constant state of departure, while always arriving". -- Boat Car Guy, Waking Life


I'm going to begin with why.

Why has the magic of my youth faded away?
Why does the magic slowly fade, like a distant memory, like a lucid dream I swear could have been reality?
Why does my mind so drastically shift as I grow into adulthood (am I there yet)?
Why must the years erode my love for wonder,  my faith in the unknown, my trust in another?

Why why why? So many Whys.

It's like my surroundings solidify as I grow up. They're kind of transparent throughout my childhood, and become fuzzy as a young teenager, and for a while it seems I can shift and control that fuzziness and make it do whatever I want. I can enter it with my mind and my insides, I can blend in with the fuzzy and take a ride on the fuzzy waves.  But then I reach a point where it's all solid, suddenly, changing states from gaseous to liquid to solid in just a few years. The more dense the matter around me becomes, the more dense time becomes; it's more real, it takes more control over my life, and I have a hard time avoiding it. Time was spacious when I was growing up, and now it is this dense, solid, ticking-tocking sound, that guides me through my days.

Believing in the incredible has now become work. INCREDIBLE: Where our beliefs are suspended for a moment. Suspending the mind's understanding to give way to the heart and soul's understanding of the world. Believing in this unbelievable, in the incredible, brings about more mystery in my life, more unexplainable events. If I am aware of one mystery, I start to climb the ladder to the higher mysteries of life.

But no, I should not dare go up that ladder anymore. I may lose sight of the solid ground below my feet, my concrete goals, my vision for the grand scheme of my life!

There has to be a way to hold on to this solid while swimming in the current of the spacious particles. There has to be.


Tony Robbins, "Find what makes you feel alive. What makes you wake up in the morning excited. Tap into your drives. Find that HUNGER."

Monday, May 1, 2017

Temporary loss

We don't know what we're about to lose.
We're unaware of how attached we are, how dependent we truly are.

I suppose this is why we must lose it, so we may experience the awareness of not having. We get so comfortable with it by our side, we do not realize just how blessed we are.

At least he's coming back.
I didn't think I'd feel this way today, I thought I'd be a-okay, ready to go, keep trudging forward with work and focus focus focus. But my heart is heavy because he has gone, and will not return for some time. That time will surely be a mere flash ... but right now, it feels as though it could be an eternity away.

Miriam Sonstenes wrote a hauntingly pretty choral song about those you love leaving ...

I am leaving I am leaving
Don't you cry it won't be long
I'll hold on to one sweet memory
Singin songs until the dawn

Take my hand it's getting late now
Sing a song to dry the tears
Still in dreams I will remember
All that we lost through the years

Can you still see the reflection
of the stars a rising high
On the river at midnight
Not a cloud in the sky

Though it's springtime you're still waiting
Plant the seed and watch it grow
Leave your fears they only bind you
You will reap just what you sow

I am leaving I am leaving
Don't you cry it won't be long
I'll hold on to one sweet memory
Singin songs until the dawn