Sunday, January 28, 2024

wealth for me = wealth for you

why is it so hard to feel good about wealth?
why do we have to prove ourselves,
to "work hard" for what we have?
what if it was easy, what if it was gifted, received?
can we not accept plenty, more, a lot,
without shame or guilt, without the feeling of unfairness?

I want my cup to be so full it overflows
so that I may pour everything into yours
(and still have some left for me)
I want to be filled over and over
so I may spill over into yours, again
and on and on I would stay full
and you would stay full
and we would drink from each other
both full, both satisfied for infinity.

on receiving the good (or bad)

who am I to say
where the miracle should come from?
who delivers it,
what gets delivered?
if I am emptiness,
the void may get filled with
all the jewels in the world,
and equally,
all the compost for fertile soil.

there may be many deaths I must die
before understanding everything is good for me.
the fortune and the mis -
the beautiful and the tarnished.
any gift of any nature
teaches the dreamer to accept what is,
and my dreams are echoing teachings
hard to accept, hard to master.

family dynamics

I've been watching my family change, grow, evolve ... at lighting speed.
all of a sudden, we can have focused conversations. all of a sudden, we can connect with each other. we look at each other in the eyes, hold gaze; they are patient and spacious, they are listening. they are present with me.

it's such a beautiful gift, and I'm not sure how it came to be this way. a lifetime of being family, being a certain way together, and all of a sudden we relate so differently. is it in the stars? is it in their new carnivore diet? (that makes me chuckle) is it just timing?

I'll never know.

Wednesday, January 24, 2024

another year, passed

hello 2024.

you've been quite unsettling right from the start: abrupt endings, death, movement, shedding, revealing ... but you're stirring in just the right ways. my meditations brought insights of having to let go even more, specifically of my identity and of my sense of control. I've learned that life is just happening to me, and I am suffering if I wake up in the morning trying to bend it to my will and my preferences.

so, I'm following my footsteps, which are walking to what my awareness lets in, into what's in front of me in the present moment. I'm no longer sure what intuition actually means, maybe a trust in being able to handle whatever comes my way. if I breathe, if I relax, if I let go into the moment, then anything can be a beautiful human experience. I chose to leap toward the unknown, move to a new island alone, on a farm in the winter, with little security. I am extremely fortunate to have family and friends who support me and would never let me fall, so in that, I realize I have a net to catch me, which is much more secure than most. still, I chose to leave the comfort zone - which was driving me insane - and the chaos of uncertainty here is proving to be worthwhile.

I've started meditating every day, trying to do 1-1.5 hours since the meditation retreat on Gambier early December. I've started a new job venetian plastering, which has been a goal for years. I'm in a cabin on Saltspring island, surrounded by forest, nestled between several tiny cabins. Matilda has bit the dust, so I am without wheels, having to depend on others for transport, continuously humbled. I have started drawing again, for my own pleasure, and am starting to get excited to participate in murals and other art projects soon. I have taken a step back from the self-sufficient path, for now, and trust that I will realign with it once I've got more tools (plaster being one of them). this island is magic for me right now, and I am so grateful for the humans who dance, play, and act from a place of creativity. I am learning to love, to really put in the work, to shift my mindset about what and who is good for me. 

I wonder what's next.

Sunday, September 10, 2023

Rosie Coloured Glasses

I take in the view from your star window;

a field of dreams, of bamboo and blackberry, 

cloth floating through the breeze in the rolling meadow. 

I walk through the field to the next room;

Trees of pear, apple, plum and persimmon

morning dew awakening my feet as I glide,

humming a tune, expansive in my being.

A family of strangers greet me as I enter;

endless bounty, generosity, child-like ease,

"come in as you are", a rare feeling of knowing.

Soon the sweet bitterness of coffee finds my tongue,

bird calling for you, you approaching me,

and an embrace, a touch of my back, awakens me to begin.

Monday, August 7, 2023

The Escalator

---

No thanks,

I'd rather take the stairs.

I don't mind the extra effort

knowing we'll be stronger still;

and we might stop, enjoy the view

without running frantically

backwards in place

counter to some arbitrary momentum.

I'd rather feel each step

and earn the reward -

our own volition -

choosing to ascend.

- Luke Deville, Jan 2023

Monday, February 20, 2023

from before

you can’t tell me, you’ve gotta show me

but you can’t show me without letting go

you gotta show me while holding yourself

show me you love yourself so much

that it overflows into me

that you have so much to give

not because you’re avoiding yourself

show me that you love yourself so much

that wanting me is extra, that needing me

is coming from longing, not fear of losing


---


are there two kinds of need?

the need coming from love,

the need coming from fear?

how do those needs differ?

needing from love builds intimacy,

needing from fear builds resistance?


sure, you’re not doing this for me

you’re doing this for you

but how do you hold yourself

amongst all of them

all of the others

the ones that aren’t me

and if you’re working on it for you

then let’s see it in the world

let’s see you changing for the world

for yourself and the world

and let the change for me

be a byproduct, an outpouring

because it doesn’t end with me

it only begins with me

are you different if I’m not looking?

do you show up for me, not for them?


---


your eagerness and persistence is both

your weakness and your strength

it is what captures my mind

and alerts my heart to distance