aggression, love

what is it I don’t want to feel? is it actually serving me to repress those feelings? what if it’s no longer necessary to do so?

we actually maintain a practise, with great effort, of being aggressive toward who we find ourselves to be.

- from Already Free

today’s insights

there is a fear of loving intensely. as if the abrupt change is not normal. as if I should always remain in the same peaceful, equanimous state, unshakeable. if I express love and affection, I know that one day it must dissipate and change, and I’ll have to “shamefully” return to my previous state. but what if I welcomed and embraced the things I feel, the rollercoaster of emotions? so what if it “doesn’t work” and I am seen falling in and out of love constantly? so far, every person has been worth my energy and attention. every one teaches me. so what if I teeter, am happy, am sad? the human condition. fully feel, and fully move forward with the new experience, grow, release. I want to continue experimenting. to feel big, always. to expand.

how much could I expand? how much of my self am I not allowing to come through because I believe I must dull myself down to be loved? love because loving feels amazing. love what I have with delight, while also knowing I am totally fine without it simultaneously. I am always basically, fundamentally good. how do I make sure I thrive without leaning or needing anyone to keep me there? small acts every day can be rooted in unconditional love. I am the one who feels love. they don’t do anything to me that I don’t do to myself. so how do I continue to experience love, no matter who comes and goes?

Mid-Summer Crisis

it’s not a crisis, but rather a part remembering, which brings me to wonder about the future and how to organize it. which step is the first best step in the right direction toward the life that I want? I am certainly encountering the people and the situations that bring up these questions. it’s been a while since I thought about it and reinvigorated the passion toward self sufficiency, independence, community and life away from the city.

a friend told me yesterday, make sure that you think of your future self. will your future self be happy with your choices? what’s your 10 year plan?

the summer has blinded me, yet there is nothing else to do but to charge head first with a slight forgetfulness of the other goals. the work is all encompassing and therefore, to be present with it and to do it well, I am choosing not to daydream too much. I have set my intentions already, I have thought about possible futures. my body knows, and the universe knows it too, so now I take steps in directions that I feel called even when they are scary.  go toward the fear.

taking a week off of painting, then a week on quadra island, then a visit to my sister’s in lake cowichan, then a dance party in sooke. all the nature life, all the humans in the surrounding places. it’s all possible, isn’t it? how true is it that if you build it they will come? depending on where I step, the map illuminates previously unimagined places to take the next step. I will never know what’s beyond until I make a decision. it barely matters which one … choosing is key.