I just said goodbye to my closest friend. My dearest friend. He was so close to my heart, and although I knew this already it always hits you much harder once they leave you. I won't even repeat the saying, cause we all know how it is.
I cried so much; I cried on the bus ride to work, and on the walk here, and at work too ... I couldn't help myself. I'm not a cryer, not at all. My body and mind hurt because of thinking back on it too much. This probably won't fade away too soon.
I dislike pity. It's a horrible emotion to be beamed. When something like this happens you just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry all alone for a couple hours, but I didn't get to do that. Instead I got to publicly display it to everyone commuting back home this afternoon. First time I've ever not been able to hold it in.
He taught me so much. I thank him for so many things I've learned throughout our year and a half long relationship. He was the one person who you could sit with and not say a word, all the while still knowing exactly what the other person's feeling. I never had to explain myself, nor did I have to hold back when I wanted to say what was on my mind. It was a clear channel, an unconditional kind of love that is irreplaceable. Unique in every way, our connection was stronger than I've ever known one to be. He's involved with a wonderful lady, and I'm happy he left room in his heart for me too.
Feels like if you stop thinking about someone you love so much, you're betraying them. Forgetting that you're sad stops feeding the ego, stops feeding emotion, stops perpetuating the harsh truth that is the fact that you are alone now. Sure, I could accept it and move on. But I don't want to. As a human being, I want to experience being torn apart by his leaving. Selfish, really, but flattering for him in a way. I know he wouldn't want me to be upset though. I don't blame him one bit, but I'm going to hold on to this for a while until my soul's fed on it enough. This is the side of me I keep hidden at all times. Emotional, Lydia? Yeah right, as if I could hide it from everyone. I try really hard but they still all know that I'm probably the most emotional person they've ever met ... I just don't show it all too well.
Anyway, enough ranting. I love you, Jason Donaldson! Miss you already.