Feel Alive!

Choose to be whomever you please; imaginary or real.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013


He says something and then all of the weight is lifted.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013


No thing is ever done wrong.
The only wrong you could do is nothing at all.

Waking Life - Revisited

From one of my posts in 2010, GOD I love this movie so much, and specifically this scene.

"It's just that moment, which is holy. You know, like this moment, it's holy. But we walk around like it's not holy. We walk around like there's some holy moments and there are all the other moments that are not holy, right, but this moment is holy, right? But, like, who can live that way? Who can go, "Wow, holy"? Because if I were to look at you and just really let you be holy, I don't know, I would, like, stop talking."

"Well, you'd be in the moment, I mean ...."


"The moment is holy."

"Yeah, but I'd be open. And then I'd look in your eyes, and I'd cry, and I'd like feel all this stuff and that's like not polite. I mean it would make you feel uncomfortable."

(Long moments pass with them staring at each other)

"Everything is layers, isn't it?"


"I mean, there's the holy moment and then there's the awareness of trying to have the holy moment, in the same way that film is the actual moment really happening, but then the character pretending to be in a different reality. And it's all these layers. And, uh, I was in and out of the holy moment looking at you. Can't be in a holy ..."

What a great scene.

Like a skater

large empty vessel
void is full of potential
clean soil, laid on the ground
picked up, tossed around
what is emptyness but a need to be filled,
can we fill ourselves with temporary pleasure,
with pleasurable time, with time to spare?
is there criteria which must be met
to be good enough for the space unkept?
judgement on the soul level
....nothing good enough yet.
drop in on the bowl, let the heart explode
with momentum, desire, that falling feeling
you're always waiting for in life
in the small things you know
probably wont fulfill you.

Poem and holdem

But what happens now?
Now that opportunity's been presented twice,
not just once, but TWICE,
and you saw it, spit on it,
you retreated and neglected it.
You've made your own bed
and now you must lay in it.
     ...only for a while.
           Cause your insides die, slowly, daily.
           The pain eats you up, weighs you down,
           it doesn't let you go until the source has been found.
And where will the source be found?
Isn't it already there, burning your soft, pale flesh?
Doesn't it surround you and show its face in the mornin glow?
Rise in the east, set in the west, the oldest tale true to the test?
     ...and yet
             you STILL won't acknowledge its presence.
             It's effect on you.
             The vitamins it's feeding you.
             The quality of life it brings you.
You'll turn a blind eye, pretend it's not true.
The fear of burning will cloud your view.

Guess you'll be coming back to life many times over to play it again.
Over and over again, until you get it right.

...Just shut the hell up

The pain in your chest
no longer believing
that patience is a virtue,
one that will heal the wounds
you've inflicted upon yourself.
The days roll by,
one foot in front of the other,
worried, someday, you might get caught
in the wheel that's turning, perpetuating,
waiting for you to make up your mind,
to let it all out, to speak the truth
and to release suffering.
Inward, downward,
deeper than expected,
the answers are there...
just shut the hell up and listen.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Over and Under Worked

It is possible to be over worked and under worked. There is a happy middle one must find in order to feel healthy. I speak from personal experience when I say that people are more energetic and generally happier when they are not living to work and working to live. LIVING should be comprised of work, but they should not be dependent on one another. You can live whether you have a bunch of money or not. You can live whether you're in the worst slums or you're the richest in all of Hollywood. Living has many different qualities to it, of course, making it a positive or negative experience. Even these qualities are interpreted differently by separate parties.

In my workplace I experience people being depressed and depleted in energy. There is constant complaint, aggravation, anxiety, sadness, dis-ease. You could even go as far as to say that overworking yourself is a disease. It has permeated through our culture and has infected most of us like a virus. We think so highly of money, as if it were above us, as if it were something attainable and achievable through hours and hours of slavery with a company who is also just as blind as you are.

I've also seen people depressed and inert through laziness or boredom. The same as above is true for the opposite extreme to working too much -- working too little is just as scary. Kids and adults alike end up trying to fill a void with unnecessary activities, which could affect the mind in a very dark and shaky way. They "get up to no good", they get violent, they become complacent and sometimes could lead to suicidal tendencies. This is a large problem in kids now who don't play outdoors, who are content sitting in their bedrooms looking at a screen, who do not know how to be active and socialize.

I'm mentioning these two parallels simply because it's so common, and so easy to avoid. It makes me really sad to see beautiful, smart and funny people be angry, sad or demotivated because they're at work 40-60 hours a week, all in hopes of making more money to buy more things to make them feel better about actually being empty inside because there's no time to create and to do things they love to do (whew).

GET ACTIVE. DO STUFF. Work hard -- at something -- it's healthy, it's necessary. Men specifically need to use up some testosterone. Take a martial arts class, for God's sake. Or dance, if you're that kind of man. Women, do yoga, dance, walk a lot, get outside. Everyone GTFOutside! Stop working so much, and stop wanting to spend so much money on useless garbage. The world has enough garbage that Forever 21 or H&M doesn't have to create any more dump.

This was supposed to be a positive post ... but at least you see where some of my issues lie with the human condition. I try to integrate these beliefs into my lifestyle by purchasing mostly second hand items, shopping at local or small businesses, supporting the little guys, keeping a smaller space so my rent isn't so high meaning I don't have to work so much, and being able in turn to create more and give back to my community in a positive way -- because I have enough energy to give away without expecting in return.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Fall Symptoms

From my freshly opened diary on October 16th

On days like this, everything feels new. FALL - the best remedy for stagnance. The floating leaves remind us of our shortcomings, of the fleeting world. We must choose every moment as if our last ... or our first. Life is completely what we make it, and of course we must work with what's handed to us. It's not a one way conversation. We're constantly giving and taking, letting go and receiving. All of life feels like an "in between" moment. Waiting, grasping. Holding on.

My life lately is so beautiful. It's breathtaking. I live in a paradise and it's impossible not to notice. The people around me are prime, tender, juicy, full of life and dreams and goals, and we all feed each other our creative energy. Everything is looking up. And if for some reason it starts to look anything but up, I know it's necessary for the next step to smile and laugh. Everything is balanced. Like rooted trees, all we can do is plant ourselves firmly in our reality and let ourselves be morphed by our surroundings. The looser we are, the more flexible our bodies, the easier going through the currents of life will be. I know this, but it's just that sometimes I wake and the world has put a big black curtain over my eyes. All I must do is lift it. But it's okay to stay in the dark for a while... It's healthy to see both sides.

I am introducting many new characters into my play, onto my stage. Yet there are still those who stand much firmer, like the foundation to my stage, the main bringers of love and happiness. There is a certain quality to those who will be in my life forever. Tranquil, peaceful, calm, but with fervor, beauty, strength, willpower, and a willingness to open up to experiences and to change. Those who become attached to a way of life will most likely remain in my past, unless they learn someday that to follow me they must morph along the way.

I currently sit on the patio of Tre Fantastico in October with the sun beaming on my face. The leaves are falling and strangers roam around, partaking in my fond appreciation of this beautiful stream of moments. I am content with the amount of work I am accomplishing lately; it makes me feel purposeful, driven, and meaningful. I want to involve as many as I can in my process. Everyone benefits from collaboration and creative company. I am starting to learn that I am the only one to blame when things don't get done (noooo way?!)! I am seeking new deadlines, new boundaries to push and to evolve through. I thought for the longest time that going to New York or leaving this place was the only way to push myself ... but this was false. It's all in front of me, if I simply reach out for it and put my back into it (aawww yeah).

The Book Thief

First, the colors.
      Then the humans.
      That's usually how I see things.
      Or at least, how I try.

-- Markus Zusak

Just started reading The Book Thief by aforementioned author. So far, brilliant. I went into Habit for my morning coffee on Wednesday and ran into my friend Alan who had recommended another book I loved (The Fault in Our Stars by John Green). This time, I'd asked for something rather strange, dark, and poetically written, in a manner that I could read a story but still feel like I'm experiencing more than just the words on the page. This book seems to be doing it. I hear it's a big deal of a book or something ... I can understand why. I shall update you later, and will most likely have many quotes to follow. Like this one:

(A Translation: Himmel = Heaven)
Whoever named Himmel Street certainly had a healthy sense of irony. Not that it was a living hell. It wasn't. But it sure as hell wasn't heaven, either.

Mmmmmm yummy words! Delectible!
You got a favorite book?

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Diss Connection // Lagging Behind


Inner turmoil created from the silliest most ridiculous kind of loss, mourning the signals that no longer can pass through the veins of the system, created only to make us feel connected, by tones, by waves, sounds of the unknown, until familiarized through vocal chords of your bud, your friend, the one you love. Comfort zone, too easy to get into with this device, take it away and have a panic attack. Since when do we need constant stimulation -- motion, movement -- since when must we have a schedule, a ladder to go up to the next level, finding people in the middle and the outskirts and see them struggle also to do the same thing as you and you can't stop even if you see it outside of you. Pity the fools who get entangled in the web, the intricate interconnected wires which bring you and another together in the same room but only by sound, by words comforting your wholeness, your physical isness! You know you exist, finally, cause before you sure as hell didn't feel it. What a phenomenon, this crazy technological advancement, de-evolution of human transcendence, the electrical charge between two hearts, that taken away emulate the ceasing of the beating, of the living, of the pumping machine that drives us every day.

But then, I can see why we've grown so as a species, connected by strings of exasperated fuses, sparks have flown for less than a decade but look how far we've projected into a world that's united, in some odd shape but still taking form, letting us build on friendships unknown, breaking down walls without fear of rejection, of loneliness and indigestion, heart burn, uncontrollable and inconceivable heartache! Sure, we've grown, 'cause now take it away and we might be persuaded to build upon the knowledge gained from hiding behind our phones and showing our souls once the connection's been made.


Tic ... toc ... tic ... toc ...
The clock is running late for it's own meeting with fate, they're colliding suddenly and breath and life is created one instant and jaded becomes the one who mentions it. Don't be late for your very important date or the well will run dry and then what will they do? Those who depend on you and sometimes even abuse you with questions and questions and questions and KNOWLEDGE, all of a sudden knowing the question was the answer even though forbidden for a minute, eclectic it was when you told them to wait a second for the well to get filled, for the well to give back and for the well to run dry again! Fate counted the minutes and said "fuck that noise I ain't waiting around!" and left only to return when life no longer demanded that everything make sense and everything have order. Understanding gave back to the the well of fulfillment, filling no one's cup but refilling with good luck. Aren't we all just trying to make a buck, to use what the well has provided and return it at dusk? We run the risk of ... being cut off by the bus!

No really, I just got cut off by the bus and couldn't finish that sentence up.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Filtering the soot

Everything I talk about tends to be pretty positive. Pretty happy. I just wrote two poems in a real quick manner (see below) that took about 2 minutes to write each. Seems that things that spill out of my quill are rather dark compared to my outlook on life. It's almost the other side of me that's needing to say something, reminding me that there's two sides to one coin -- two sides to my own -- and this ain't too bad of a thing. It's almost like a filter, these letters, just so it doesn't have to seep through my language with others. I'd rather keep that shit on paper.

A Falling Out

my heart!
     it's bursting with joy,
with happiness,
with heaviness,
the right kind of heaviness,
the one that carries
carries burdens and worries
far away into the distance
so you feel em but they're
not touchable, not so
real anymore.

my heart!
     it's bursting with care,
with understanding,
even from despair, cause pairing
never seemed less fitting,
in a place where being alone
is necessary in understanding
the way of the world,
of ourselves, of each other
come together for a moment,
any longer and we could fall out,
you know,
fall out of each other...
isn't that the way we were
brought up, all we know
is the disorder created
from loving another?

Unbuckle your Seatbelt

stuff needs spewing
guts are exploding
happiness, insanity
resting still unsurely
of the volume
we speak
do we cause any
destruction leading to rebuild
the civilizations we live in
unnoticed, unworried, blissfully
that blissful ignorance
could lead to less desirable results
lest we do it anyway
keep repeating the same habits
sensations, emotions,
stuff running through the veins
just spill it, spew it already
who knows what
cleaning agents the blood can carry
rinse, lather, repeat in that order
and then you can come back
to a state of no bother.

Felt like writing a little blurb. When I write poetry I don't really think of the  words coming out, whether they make sense or not. I think this one kind of ended up making sense though! I like it.

Monday, October 21, 2013


The end of the summer was a real high for me. I came out of myself, I became extremely social and made so many new wonderful connections. Saw so much music, immersed myself in art, danced, and wandered in the night. It's almost like my inner child came out and taught my adult self important lessons. There are so many people in my life I'm thankful for, some of them not even knowing for very long but already having a strong bond, an instant connection. Life has been full of substance, of passion and love and spice! And coffee, lots of coffee.

I was so happy all summer and fall long, and so much so that I am strangely afraid of the lows coming. I know that life is made of ups and downs, and that life is not always OH MY GOD ITS SO BEAUTIFUL, and that I should appreciate even the dark corners of my mind. I say this because I feel it now, I feel the lull, the pressure again, and the uncertainty is creeping in. Self confidence is a big part of feeling great about life, and I've owned it over the past few months, but after all of it now I am noticing the aloneness of the world and the retreat and hibernation of the winter is creeping in on me. I live to make people happy, and when others have received all of what I can give, a threshold of happiness, I begin to wonder what to do with myself. I believe I've received as equally as I've been giving, so it's not a question of now needing more love to level it out. It's more like aiming the love inward again and learning that I should feel just as great without an output ... loving myself should be enough.  But is it? Is it wrong for me to want to keep giving and giving?

Insurance Friends

One of the most amazing things ever is meeting awesome people through my work. And THEN! Not only do I meet them here and think they're awesome, but I run into them out and about and they recognize me as their insurance agent and they had a really pleasant experience with me. And THEN! We start to cross paths all the time and become real friends!

The insurance biz ain't so bad.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Time & Patience

Time is exponentially increasing in speed. It's nuts. It's ridiculous! And also sort of exciting. Things are happening around us so fast we barely have time to graze them, let alone catch 'em and hold 'em. Everyone is in the same boat, it's happening to all of us, whether we're 25 years old or 60. Hey, at least we can all relate to time now, and not just the weather.
What makes time feel so fast? What's different today than was 10 or 15 years ago? I'm thinking maybe technology, and the increasingly high demands on the human being. The way we live today asks us to do everything at once, or else we can't keep up with growth and evolution of the company, or of the family, or even of the human race! Multi-tasking is risking a huge loss in focus and concentration. The best thing we could probably do for ourselves is learn how to shut off everything around us while working on one task. Sure, we may think that we're really, really good at speaking on the phone and driving and thinking of lunch all at the same time, but are we actually fully present in these circumstances? Me thinks not. And my theory is that if we took a step back from all of this stuff, we might experience time slowing down once again. Instant gratification, wanting everything right now -- and getting it, thanks to the internet and iphones and all this -- makes us so impatient, so easily unnerved and anxious! Patience, the understanding and acceptance of a lengthy amount of time between two tasks (or, by dictionary.com's terms: an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay) is a virtue not many embody today. Maybe meditation practise should be incorporated into the schooling system so that the new generation grows up with the patience most of us lack.
Anyway, time is fucked up.
That is all.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

In the Fog

Thick with foreboding energy, creating a security blanket around the city before new times set in, the fog prepares us for autumn. I don't remember last year being this foggy, but I sure do love the vibe it creates. It's almost like a stillness, a quiet, comforting density that hugs us tightly before releasing us into the future. When I can't see very far in front of me I focus on my footsteps, and on the little details around me. There is no need to think too far ahead -- if I can't see it, there is no reason. It reminds me to let go, and trust that I always instinctively know where I'm going. There is nothing wrong with being where I am at this moment. Knowing that I do not know everything (and that I do not need to know) gives me a sense of ultimate freedom.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Alone or lonely?

Still trying to master staying at home by myself. Most times I end up trying to find something to do anywhere but home, and it truly does not fulfill me. And no matter how much I know this, I keep doing it again and again. Am I afraid to be alone? Am I afraid of being bored? Perhaps unseen. I have this weird personal theory that if I don’t see anyone  and they don’t see me then whatever I’m doing actually doesn’t exist. That’s probably wrong.

Feeling Lost

Feeling “lost” is a difficult state of mind. I’ve been in this as of late, although I think I know what I want. I’ve been reading books about how to get what I want. I’ve been soaking in my surroundings, trying to see what’s there for me, staying open to new opportunities. I have many personal projects I want to get started on, but my motivation to get these done is low lately. I wish there was a button to crank up my passion volume. I have love for my hobbies and activities inside my body – I can feel it, it’s right there – but I can’t pull it out efficiently. Actually, it shouldn’t be about efficiency whatsoever. It should just be done, whether I’m in the mood for it or not, whether my mind allows it to be fun or not.

When I had my fashion show at the end of the school year just a month or so ago it was the climax of my career as a fashion design student. Everything built up to it, and nothing could take it away. It was either I made it or I didn’t. I loved how much stuff there was to get done: planning, scheduling, fabricating, locating, searching, gathering … bringing to life. It was brilliant, and I felt brilliant also. I was in control and yet I had to trust that things and people around me would work out as efficiently as I had planned in my mind. I had a vision and even though only part of it was manifested, things got done and the show HAD to go on. I will forever be grateful for such an experience, as now I am measuring my new experiences against this larger-than-I accomplishment. I want something to mirror the way I felt when I was in it. I struggle by myself, so I know I need a conductor to my orchestra. I want to pick out the players in this orchestra, plan the concert, and then sit back and watch as my life – the music – plays itself.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

The Time Is Now

So I go onto Google to look up variations of a tattoo, to start designing mine. I type in, "The Time is Now", to see what comes up. It was kind of instant. I want a watch or an hourglass of some sorts.

What comes up?

1:11 PM

Too funny.


"The openness to begin is all the openness we are required to have each day. We begin. The rest unfolds through us." Julia Cameron

Friday, May 3, 2013

iPhones and iWorlds

I have entered the iPhone world!!
It was a scary conversion.

But ya know, I feel like I had to get with the times. Most of me wishes we could go backwards in time a little, get rid of all of this crazy technology and keep it simple. Yet, another part of me understands that the world is growing, moving forward, and evolving along with us crazy humans. I could not deny it any longer.

Technology has many benefits, as long as we know to stay true and stay real. Now I can use this tool to promote what I love to do, and therefore do more of it. People get to connect instantly! I can do some work at home and still feel like the world is watching me (in my case, that's a really good thing, because I don't get anything done unless someone is there to tell me to keep going).

I also purchased a watch, which means I won't have to look at my phone everytime I want to know the time. This is a culprit move that just gets me into the black hole of checking something else. If I have the internet at my fingertips, I must find ways to remove my will power from the equation altogether. Get rid of as much temptation as possible. I must say, it feels nice to have a REAL clock on me again.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

It ends with you

I see more and more how every single little action I take affects the whole world around me. It affects both the animate and inanimate. If I decide to let go of an unhealthy relationship, everyone around me must shift too. I must trust that I make the right decisions, and as a dear friend said to me, as long as I'm being honest with myself, no one else needs to justify my actions. And if they love me and care for me, they will not expect anything more. They will support me in my life-altering decisions.

Relationships are messy but they surely teach one about themselves in the biggest ways. I lost myself to take care and feel for someone else. It wasn't right, but it naturally occured. I couldn't help it. I noticed it, I zoomed out and saw just how much loving this person stopped me from loving myself, and so I had to let them go to come back to me. Every single relationship/friendship/acquaintence in life is like this also: they'll whirlwind into our lives, sweep us off our feet, make us lose balance or anchor us and ground us, and then they will leave. Whether we decide to leave them, or they leave willingly -- on a trip, to follow their dreams, to pass on to the next world -- we are experiencing death around us at all times. We must learn to let go and accept constant change in our lives. This is also why we must love ourselves and love being alone: when everyone has left, when you've left everyone, when you shut your eyes at night or for the last time in your life, are you comfortable with yourself? Are you in love with yourself?

Feel, listen and let go

It is necessary to look within and notice how you truly feel.  Your body knows the answer to many of the mind's questions, if you would simply let it come up within you and listen.

When you think of a person, feelings come up. It's very general, more of a body sensation than a comprehensible "list". Does your stomach knot up? Do you relax instantly? Perhaps you even get itchy or tired or extremely excited. These things are crucial to your health -- both mental and physical -- because each time you are with this person these emotions and body senses will come up.

So when you've just gotten together with a friend and you say goodbye, and you walk away, what are you left with? Dig deep down (actually, it shouldn't be that far down, but the fact you've never paid attention makes you think it would be) and pin point the area in your body that is screaming for your attention. Is it telling you "Yes! I want more of that! That was so lovely!" or is it telling you "Run. Run for your life because this person is eating you alive!" Two extremes, but two very possible scenarios.

Along with feeling your body comes responding. You must take appropriate action. Go with your GUTS, instinct, with this feeling you've just discovered by listening to yourself. Sure, your mind generates thoughts about people, but your ego will most likely analyze and fight for something that is not always good for you. Now once you've listened to yourself, you've gotta reflect this honesty physically and change something. Maybe this person is healthier in smaller doses. Maybe your girlfriend or spouse is not treating you fairly and it's time to make some changes in your relationship. Maybe you need to start spending some time alone so you know what you want and who you want around you to make you feel a certain way.

First, listen. Then, feeling comes. Now you must act accordingly, be strong-willed and understanding with yourself. It's difficult to make these kinds of life changes. We don't want to hurt those who we feel are hurting us (most likely without their knowing), but in the long run the most loving thing you could do for not only yourself, but for them also, is to let them go.

Love will bring you back

One: "Wow, you sure have a lot of people who love you here!"
Two: "Yeah, that's why I keep coming back."
Three: "That's also why he knows he can leave."

Integrity in all things

Big ups for people who are true to what they love and who they are, no matter what. Integrity is lacking in today's society; we try to cover ourselves up, to hide the little details.

I know someone who's life is fashion. He lives it, breathes it, and expresses it in all forms. He does it for himself above all else, and of course gets great satisfaction from showing it to the world and having others fall in love with it as he does. Fashion is not for everybody, oh no, but those who appreciate it and understand it in their own ways really look up to him as an inspiring figure. Sure, it's "just fashion", but it's self expression. I don't know anyone in the world who expresses himself more fully than he. "Find your audience, and cater to them. Don't worry about the ones who don't like it," he once said. Totally.

This is just one example. Who's your example?

Friday, April 12, 2013

Big Hug, Brighter Day, New Insights

On Wednesday I had an experience that rocked my world more than I think it should a regular person. I had to grab some food, so I hopped across the street from school and ordered some sushi. The lady at the counter said I could take a seat and wait for 15 minutes, but I told her I'd take a walk instead.

Unsure of where I was to head, I just let my feet choose direction. I followed my footsteps to Bastion Square, where I saw a familiar looking man. From across the street I made up my mind: I'm gonna grab all my coin (yeah, not much in there, but still all my coin) and I'll give it to him. He's the one homeless man I feel the most pitty for. Whenever I walk by him my heart hurts, truly hurts. It twists into knots and touches my gag reflex. It saddens me that I must be reminded that not everything in the world is light and airy and dreamy and fun and happy ... many, many people have it real tough in this lifetime. This guy though, he's got it real tough, through my eyes anyway, stuck in his wheelchair with a crooked back. He has barely any language to communicate with. I can hear him from a couple steps away, wincing and moaning and making strange noises, trying with all his might to grab someone's attention ... anyone's attention at all, who might connect with him and prove his existence.

Anyhow, I walked over to him. He saw me seeing him and I could tell he got excited. I said hello and smiled hard, and his facial expression changed. He made a few noises and opened his arms crookedly, as much as was possible and waited. I wasn't sure if he wanted a hug or if he was just expressing some kind of joy. I asked him, "Do you want a hug? Can I give you a hug?!" I took whatever motion he made as a yes and I went in for it, bending down to meet him at hug level. We hugged briefly and then I gave him my change. More noises followed and he was very thankful. I don't think he was thankful for the change, but mainly for the interaction. I doubt many people give him the light of day. Before making my way over to him I witnessed a dozen people just walk by without any acknowledgment as he shouted nonsense. As I said ... breaking heart.

When I walked away I turned around and he was still looking in my direction. He waved, and I waved back with a big smile. I walked a bit further and found myself almost tearing up. My heart clogged up again and I felt pain and sorrow for him. At least I was able to brighten his day, and he sure brightened mine in the process. I really didn't expect this all to happen. I didn't think I'd get this emotional. Now I stunk of cigarette and old-homeless-man but didn't care. I felt good about all of it.

I realized that perhaps I need to volunteer somewhere, or strive to work in an environment where I can interact with people of unfortunate circumstance. I want to learn from them, about them, make their lives a little bit brighter, and maybe come out of it feeling like I've achieved something in life. Sure, fashion design and art are all fun, and they fulfill a part of me, but something is missing. I think this is it.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Apple on the brain

I was craving an apple. Oh man was I ever craving an apple, and I don't know why. I was hungry, and the moment I left home I thought "damn, I should have brought something with me". I know I can't eat anything at Vista 18 -- gluten free problem. Couple hours later after watching the band I had another sudden craving for an apple, and was saddened by the fact that alas, I could not have an apple. Maybe I could go to mom's real quick and grab a snack? Maybe she's got an apple? Naaa, I'll just start walking home. Stu is walking to James Bay, so I may as well follow.

Stu takes out an apple from his pocket.

"Oh my GOD! An apple! I want an apple so badly."
"Well, you should get one! Up there! Go back up there!"
"Back where? What do you mean?"
"At the lobby, they have apples there for you to grab on your way out."

Yes, an apple basket. On the way out. Of course, I should have known.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Box of Crayons

"It's like you come onto this planet with a crayon box. Now, you may get the 8-pack, you may get the 16-pack. But it's all in what you do with the crayons, the colors that you're given. And don't worry about drawing within the lines or coloring outside the lines. I say color outside the lines. You know what I mean? Color right off the page."

We're usually given the same platform, the same formats to choose from, but then there are millions of ways these same forms can become new and interesting forms. Take music, take painting, take dance; all deriving from the same basic steps, basic colors, basic scales, and being molded into different patterns and routines and songs, having the chance to be innovated into endless possibilities.

Endless possibilities.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Holy Moments

How do you stay present in every moment? Is every moment holy?

A friend and I had a conversation yesterday when we rounded the corner and saw this beautiful sunset ahead. The contrasting colors of the sun's bright yellow and orange rays against the hazy blue sky and dark indigo-grey clouds was just stunning. How could you not feel your heart beat faster at the sight of it? But I noticed that after just a couple of minutes, that extraordinary feeling faded. I got used to it, used to the beauty around me ... yep, real quick. This saddened me, but reminded me of a scene in one of my all-time favorite movies Waking Life, where two people speak of Holy Moments. Instead of reiterating it really badly, I'll just post part of the transcript.

These two are having a dialogue about film mostly, and how everything captured on camera is a way of expressing a holy moment after another, letting the viewer know that 'This is Holy', kind of like God incarnating into every moment.

"It's just that moment, which is holy. You know, like this moment, it's holy. But we walk around like it's not holy. We walk around like there's some holy moments and there are all the other moments that are not holy, right, but this moment is holy, right? And if film can let us see that, like frame it so that we see, like, "Ah, this moment. Holy." And it's like "Holy, holy, holy" moment by moment. But, like, who can live that way? Who can go, like, "Wow, holy"? Because if I were to look at you and just really let you be holy, I don't know, I would, like, stop talking.

- Well, you'd be in the moment, I mean ....

- Yeah.

- The moment is holy.

- Yeah, but I'd be open. And then I'd look in your eyes, and I'd cry, and I'd like feel all this stuff and that's like not polite. I mean it would make you feel uncomfortable.
- Well you could laugh too. I mean, why would you cry?
- Well, 'cause ... I don't know. For me, I tend to cry. Well, let's do it right now. Let's have a holy moment.
- Okay.

(Long moments pass with them staring at each other) "

So anyway, my point here is that I think we may be built this way; we MUST become used to and comfortable with our surroundings quickly, so we may adapt and survive. We are animals afterall. I do sometimes wish that moments were captured as being holy more often, like the sunset my friend and I saw. But is it possible? Is it practical? How do you remind yourself that you're part of this grander holy moment? After noticing I'd gotten used to the sunset, I zoomed out a little and was kind of able to get back into the wonder of the view before me, but it still wasn't the same as when I first stumbled upon it.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Whale at the Ferries

Fun synchronicity:

At work the other day a customer was coming in to pick up a document. His name was James Whale. When I heard his name, I automatically thought of an old friend of mine who had the same last name. I hadn't seen him in probably 2 years, or more. I quickly let the thought go.

Later that day I was at the ferry terminal, watching the people come through into Victoria from Vancouver. I told my friend that I'm always looking and expecting to see someone I know from my past, but it never happens. Just a few moments later, Jake Whale walks through the terminal, and my heart skips a beat. WHAT?! This random guy who I thought about today at work has magically appeared in front of me only 5 or so hours later?

That is just so cool. Ooooh life how crazy you are!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Self-evaluation // This is who I am

My teacher may not know this but he did really inspire me today. Who knew photography class would have made me have an epiphany?

It's gotten me thinking -- What do I love to do most? Am I doing it? Am I putting everything into proportion, and properly prioritizing? I must take what I love and put it out on the table. Not only this, I must project it to the world, hand it on a platter and service myself and others with it. My love for fashion and style has meaning, no matter how I try to avoid it. I keep thinking it's vein, pointless, immature and unimportant to most (including me?) but that's my own bullshit I'm feeding myself.

What I love about Iain is that he puts himself on display. He says hey, look here, this is what I do, this is WHO I AM, and I can't avoid it. I can't get away from it, so here ... TAKE IT. Enjoy it, because I do, and forcing myself to neglect it will make me and everyone around me be worse off.

It's inspired me to be the same. To take into consideration every thought and every incline I am possessed with and make something come true from it. Why must I judge it as irrelevant or stupid? Childish and below any other passion or obsession? Everyone has something. Something. Don't they? Don't you? Sure, fashion isn't everyone's thing. But it's SOMEONE'S thing, and I'll aim for them. You know what, better yet, I'll just aim for myself, because if I can please myself then everyone else shall be pleased in the long run. No need to constantly critique and judge based on other's opinion.

Man, I need to learn to not give a shit.
And also, give MORE of a shit -- with what intrigues me the most.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Cornerstone Visit

"Creativity is harnessing universality and making it flow through our eyes." - Peter Koestenbaum

"The refusal to be creative is self-will and counter to our true nature." - Julia Cameron

I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a long time, in a place I hadn't been to in a long time. He said he actually never really goes there anymore. So that's really cool, that we both never go there but ran into each other on that specific occasion. We started talking about our lives, and we both are going through creative changes: we want to be better at managing ourselves, going at it hard and strong, making sure we get things done daily and rise up to challenges. He said he had read a really good book called the Artist's Way. Funny thing is that I'm currently reading another of this same Author's books, called The Sound of Paper. It's truly inspiring, the way she puts it together like poetry. Julia Cameron is a wonderful writer who really knows how to show you that creativity is a part of you and that all you need to do is harvest it, cultivate it, and let it OUT. Let it grow. Like a flower, its path is only to blossom and bloom.

Anyhow, he went home and grabbed the book for me which I'm very excited about. I'll be trying out her ways, a 3 month "workbook" style, where I'll be doing exercises and seeing the shifts happen within myself and my world. I will update here often I'm sure.

Worry n' Hurry

"There's two things in life I don't do: Worry and Hurry."

"If you're early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late, and if you're late, you get left behind."

- Dion Brathwaite

I lived enough

The only thing we should ever strive for is to be comfortable all alone -- all by ourselves -- where could die and say "I lived enough, loved myself enough."