Feel Alive!

Choose to be whomever you please; imaginary or real.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

It ends with you

I see more and more how every single little action I take affects the whole world around me. It affects both the animate and inanimate. If I decide to let go of an unhealthy relationship, everyone around me must shift too. I must trust that I make the right decisions, and as a dear friend said to me, as long as I'm being honest with myself, no one else needs to justify my actions. And if they love me and care for me, they will not expect anything more. They will support me in my life-altering decisions.

Relationships are messy but they surely teach one about themselves in the biggest ways. I lost myself to take care and feel for someone else. It wasn't right, but it naturally occured. I couldn't help it. I noticed it, I zoomed out and saw just how much loving this person stopped me from loving myself, and so I had to let them go to come back to me. Every single relationship/friendship/acquaintence in life is like this also: they'll whirlwind into our lives, sweep us off our feet, make us lose balance or anchor us and ground us, and then they will leave. Whether we decide to leave them, or they leave willingly -- on a trip, to follow their dreams, to pass on to the next world -- we are experiencing death around us at all times. We must learn to let go and accept constant change in our lives. This is also why we must love ourselves and love being alone: when everyone has left, when you've left everyone, when you shut your eyes at night or for the last time in your life, are you comfortable with yourself? Are you in love with yourself?

Feel, listen and let go

It is necessary to look within and notice how you truly feel.  Your body knows the answer to many of the mind's questions, if you would simply let it come up within you and listen.

When you think of a person, feelings come up. It's very general, more of a body sensation than a comprehensible "list". Does your stomach knot up? Do you relax instantly? Perhaps you even get itchy or tired or extremely excited. These things are crucial to your health -- both mental and physical -- because each time you are with this person these emotions and body senses will come up.

So when you've just gotten together with a friend and you say goodbye, and you walk away, what are you left with? Dig deep down (actually, it shouldn't be that far down, but the fact you've never paid attention makes you think it would be) and pin point the area in your body that is screaming for your attention. Is it telling you "Yes! I want more of that! That was so lovely!" or is it telling you "Run. Run for your life because this person is eating you alive!" Two extremes, but two very possible scenarios.

Along with feeling your body comes responding. You must take appropriate action. Go with your GUTS, instinct, with this feeling you've just discovered by listening to yourself. Sure, your mind generates thoughts about people, but your ego will most likely analyze and fight for something that is not always good for you. Now once you've listened to yourself, you've gotta reflect this honesty physically and change something. Maybe this person is healthier in smaller doses. Maybe your girlfriend or spouse is not treating you fairly and it's time to make some changes in your relationship. Maybe you need to start spending some time alone so you know what you want and who you want around you to make you feel a certain way.

First, listen. Then, feeling comes. Now you must act accordingly, be strong-willed and understanding with yourself. It's difficult to make these kinds of life changes. We don't want to hurt those who we feel are hurting us (most likely without their knowing), but in the long run the most loving thing you could do for not only yourself, but for them also, is to let them go.

Love will bring you back

One: "Wow, you sure have a lot of people who love you here!"
Two: "Yeah, that's why I keep coming back."
Three: "That's also why he knows he can leave."

Integrity in all things

Big ups for people who are true to what they love and who they are, no matter what. Integrity is lacking in today's society; we try to cover ourselves up, to hide the little details.

I know someone who's life is fashion. He lives it, breathes it, and expresses it in all forms. He does it for himself above all else, and of course gets great satisfaction from showing it to the world and having others fall in love with it as he does. Fashion is not for everybody, oh no, but those who appreciate it and understand it in their own ways really look up to him as an inspiring figure. Sure, it's "just fashion", but it's self expression. I don't know anyone in the world who expresses himself more fully than he. "Find your audience, and cater to them. Don't worry about the ones who don't like it," he once said. Totally.

This is just one example. Who's your example?

Friday, April 12, 2013

Big Hug, Brighter Day, New Insights

On Wednesday I had an experience that rocked my world more than I think it should a regular person. I had to grab some food, so I hopped across the street from school and ordered some sushi. The lady at the counter said I could take a seat and wait for 15 minutes, but I told her I'd take a walk instead.

Unsure of where I was to head, I just let my feet choose direction. I followed my footsteps to Bastion Square, where I saw a familiar looking man. From across the street I made up my mind: I'm gonna grab all my coin (yeah, not much in there, but still all my coin) and I'll give it to him. He's the one homeless man I feel the most pitty for. Whenever I walk by him my heart hurts, truly hurts. It twists into knots and touches my gag reflex. It saddens me that I must be reminded that not everything in the world is light and airy and dreamy and fun and happy ... many, many people have it real tough in this lifetime. This guy though, he's got it real tough, through my eyes anyway, stuck in his wheelchair with a crooked back. He has barely any language to communicate with. I can hear him from a couple steps away, wincing and moaning and making strange noises, trying with all his might to grab someone's attention ... anyone's attention at all, who might connect with him and prove his existence.

Anyhow, I walked over to him. He saw me seeing him and I could tell he got excited. I said hello and smiled hard, and his facial expression changed. He made a few noises and opened his arms crookedly, as much as was possible and waited. I wasn't sure if he wanted a hug or if he was just expressing some kind of joy. I asked him, "Do you want a hug? Can I give you a hug?!" I took whatever motion he made as a yes and I went in for it, bending down to meet him at hug level. We hugged briefly and then I gave him my change. More noises followed and he was very thankful. I don't think he was thankful for the change, but mainly for the interaction. I doubt many people give him the light of day. Before making my way over to him I witnessed a dozen people just walk by without any acknowledgment as he shouted nonsense. As I said ... breaking heart.

When I walked away I turned around and he was still looking in my direction. He waved, and I waved back with a big smile. I walked a bit further and found myself almost tearing up. My heart clogged up again and I felt pain and sorrow for him. At least I was able to brighten his day, and he sure brightened mine in the process. I really didn't expect this all to happen. I didn't think I'd get this emotional. Now I stunk of cigarette and old-homeless-man but didn't care. I felt good about all of it.

I realized that perhaps I need to volunteer somewhere, or strive to work in an environment where I can interact with people of unfortunate circumstance. I want to learn from them, about them, make their lives a little bit brighter, and maybe come out of it feeling like I've achieved something in life. Sure, fashion design and art are all fun, and they fulfill a part of me, but something is missing. I think this is it.