Feel Alive!

Choose to be whomever you please; imaginary or real.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Grateful for History

History is a funny thing.
We are born into it -- before us there was this stuff, and then we were born and we just overlooked the fact that everything's been done for us already. We don't have to learn how to build a house, how to even make a fire (no, the thermostat has already evolved to its current state where you push a button and your house is warm). We don't have to learn how to build a computer to use one. It's all there! Everything we use has a past -- a long one at that -- and without people sitting there, coming up with the idea, having the will power to get up and get it all figured out, taking the time and effort to make these things come to life, you and I would not be surrounded by much. Thousands of years were strung together to make today happen. People built towns, they built roads and built cars for those roads.

I am so grateful for it all! Life is beautiful, luxurious, comfortable -- I barely have to lift a finger. With our kind of society, I get to go to work and make money so that I may go home and do my art, and to have the time to go to school and learn new skills. The exchange of labor for other necessities is crucial to our development as "evolving" human beings. There would not be much time to develop the artist within if we had to take care of hunting and gathering our food, building our shelter, taking care of the kids and the community and getting all of our basic needs met in the longest way possible. We've shortened the amount of time it takes to get things done, and as much as this has its down sides, it's also brilliant and amazing. Cherish it. Think about it -- you don't have time to cook so you go to the store or the restaurant and you buy pre-made food! Where in the world did this food come from and how long did it take to make it there? Think about each ingredient that was grown in someone's garden, and then cultivated, shipped off, processed, packaged, shipped off, and then landed in your market. Then think of how you've got a job to make the money to purchase this good. MIND BLOWN! It's this beautiful orchestra, where everything aligns and fits together so smoothly that we can have free time.

Take notice of your predecessors. Thank them. Love them for having come along before you and having the hardships and victories so you could live this kind of life.

Also, think about how you will be changing the world for the next generation, the next person who walks into your world and crosses your path. It's immediate. Everything you do reflects outwards and changes other's lives. We share this place with billions of other souls who will either benefit or suffer from our actions.

What will you leave behind?

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Connected, but alone? TED talk

Connected, but alone? by Sherry Turkle

"[Texts and phone calls] don't really work for learning about each other. For really coming to know and understand each other. We use conversations with each other to learn how to have conversations with ourselves. So a flight from conversation can really matter, because it can compromise our capacity for self reflection."

"Being alone feels like a problem that needs to be solved."

"I share, therefore I am."

"Solitude is where you find yourself so that you can reach out to other people and form real attachments. When we don't have the capacity for solitude, we turn to other people in order to feel less anxious or feel more alive. When this happens we're not able to appreciate who THEY are. It's as though we use them as spare parts to support our fragile sense of self."

"We slip into thinking that always being connected is going to make us feel less alone. If we're not able to be alone, we're going to be more lonely."

Saturday, December 22, 2012


Yesterday was the end of the world as we know it. Nothing physical happened, but I'm sure during these times people are indeed shifting inside themselves much more than they're probably aware of. Time is speeding up and we're having a hard time holding on to moments. We have to consciously stay where we are, and if unsuccessful we are swept away into the next moment so quickly we forget we ever were where we were. Whew, confusing. I walked toward downtown and experienced a different state of awareness where I could feel the interconnectedness of my actions and of everything around me. I would look somewhere and find what some could call "signs", words or pictures that supported what I was thinking of at that moment or show me direction to where I should be heading next. The best part of it all was when I decided to jaunt down by the boats -- I usually wouldn't go through that part, I'd stay up high -- and I knew exactly where to look to find a box of chocolates! And they were not just any kind of chocolates, they were called "DIVINE mint-thins after-dinner chocolate". Super fancy stuff, delicious, refreshing, and such a treat. The fact that the brand name was "Divine" was ... ridiculously awesome. I wandered around town with a huge grin on my face.

I don't know why I forget these things. The intertwining of events, the simple tiny little acts of one transferring onto the other, sneaking through the cracks of time to be solid and firm where you stand.

I also noticed how much my mind is constantly racing, but thankfully enough most thoughts don't end up affecting my reality instantaneously. I find it's more the feelings and emotions that bring about change around me. If I feel anxious, others will sense it. If I feel uncomfortable and small, others will feel that too. I was tripping myself out at a house party, hiding in a corner where I would hopefully not be seen so no one would come up to chit chat with me (if there's one thing I'm not good at yet it's small talk). There are times where I'm pro at working a room with conversation, but nights like yesterday show that it's constantly changing!

Whirlwind of change! I believe the 21st wasn't the end of the world, but rather the beginning of a new world. In the next couple weeks I bet you anything we won't even be able to keep up with it all. We'll have to adjust to a new way of dealing with time if we want to have any kind of memories left.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

The End of the World as we KNOW IT!


Isn't that crazy?!! December 21st 2012 was really really far away and all of a sudden it got really close. It was that thing everyone talked about for years, very quietly, very softly, trying not to be heard, but now it's impossible not to be heard. Everyone sees the date on their calendar and they can't escape the thought: is this real? Will something really happen?

I've spoken with friends about this and it's not really that we're afraid something catastrophic will happen to the earth necessarily (although this is a huge possibility because of this next point), but that because humans are so dramatically involved in wonder, in confusion, in anticipation for something greater beyond their control to happen, they're actually making it happen. People are going insane. Prime example would be the school shootings that happened yesterday in the states. Sure, this stuff happens, yeah, but is there any relevance to it happening now? All of these earth quakes and tsunamis and typhoons and on and on and on.... so much stuff is happening. Perhaps because we're listening more closely, the earth is responding with a physical answer.

Anyway, I plan on being home with my folks on the 21st. I don't care whether something happens or not. It's quite the monumental day, even if you don't believe in it. The Mayans DID predict something, which is kind of fun to think about. You're alive during this time! Have a little celebration, and hopefully the next day you'll live on to talk about how the 21st came and went with no big deal whatsoever.

Singin' and Drawin' and Speakin' French

The thought of creativity is inviting. I've been wanting to make stuff, get messy, draw more ... but for some reason I am not pushing myself enough in that direction. People around me are asking to do these kinds of things with them, which is a reflection of my invitation of art into my life, but why am I not seizing these moments? I've wanted to sing badly for months, and now I finally have a chance. Something inside -- perhaps the ego and fear -- stops me from going all out.

Update: Yesterday I went to an amazing concert. The singing was incredible, and everything I'd ever want to be doing. For some reason I don't trust that what would come out of me would make enough sense. Maybe I need someone to write my music for me, I'm just not a composer I guess!

French is also my enemy at this time. The more I wait to "whip it out" the worse it will be. I forget words, many basic words, which is sad really. If I don't start speaking it now, I will lose it completely.

Come on Lyds, kick yourself in the PANTS.

Saturday, November 24, 2012


I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster lately. Ups and downs of life are getting closer and closer together, with less interval in between. One day I'm flying high, soaring through clouds of purpose and joy and freedom and love, then the next day is heavy; my heart aches and my soul longs for something more. When is what I'm doing enough? When will be the day where I am completely content, loving even the challenges as much as the comfort of achievement? It's all good that I work towards a goal, but I must learn to enjoy the journey appropriately.

Relationships go through you. This third "partner" that is the relationship does not want to leave so quickly. I see a relationship as three "identities": the two lovers and the love or "stuff" born from them. If I were to draw this, it would be a triangle, all flowing through each other. This third identity is more of a void, an understanding, a looming energy that is the catalyst for a lot of events in the relationship's life. When you and your partner decide to go your seperate ways, this energy stays with the two of you for a long time before agreeing that it's learned enough from all of it. It is also a lot tougher when you see each other frequently; seems like this energy gets confused. Past and present are hard to discern ... what are the boundaries? What hurts you as it used to and what shouldn't affect you any longer?

All of this is new to me. I thought it'd be much easier for me than it actually ended up being. I have moments of weakness, where I go back to the dark recesses of my mind and get completely irrational. These things seem uncontrollable ... but I wonder if it's because I long for some kind of subconscious mourning or tragedy and this is the way it's manifesting itself. Thing is, if every day is so different, why is it that one day I want love and joy and the other I would want defeat and anger? Humans are confusing!

Friday, October 12, 2012

Describing those feelings

In my Effective Communication class we're learning about NVC - Non Violent Communication. It's interesting, a little bit slow to start, but my favorite part of it is the homework, strangely enough! Mollie, our teacher, is a wonderfully compassionate and caring person who really wants to understand you and help you through any confusion or issues (or if it's all good, she wants to hear about that too!) Our homework from this last class was to take these 8 "feelings" and describe what we notice actually physically happens when they are triggered. I had so much fun writing this, and found out a whole lot more about myself from it than I thought I would. So I'm putting it in my blog! Do YOU know how to describe what your body is going through when you're feeling these?

The 8 feelings were:
1. Anxious
2. Frustrated
3. Overjoyed
4. Relieved
5. Terrified
6. Amused
7. Disappointed
8. Energized
and I described them as follows...

Anxiety makes my body shake. My heart skips beats, and my stomach is in knots. Something looms over my mind and my state of being, and sometimes I have no idea why or what it is that is causing such discomfort. My speech becomes impaired; words don't relate as easily, as if there were short-circuiting happening. Anxiety causes mental blockage, and also almost physical blockage. My heart is tight, veiling itself with a security blanket to ward off the inevitable. Anxiety to me is like living in the future, always of afraid of what's coming next.

Frustration gets to my head, mostly. I get very heated, blood rushing to the surface, as though I could be perceived by others as having red flesh. Brain gets cloudy and my view narrow -- I can only see darkness, negativity, and more frustration. I am so narrow-minded that I don't see what's happening with the rest of my body.

Overjoyed, I am lighter than ever. This is also an emotion which does not have much feeling attached to it since my heart and soul are so elevated they could be beyond body sensation. I suppose my heart is racing, and my face hurts from smiling too much! My eyes may be burning from crying of laughter and joy!

Relieved is a reversing of anxiety and frustration. I feel my body coming back, almost as if it were numb beforehand. Pins and needles sometimes are felt throughout extremedies which weren't getting enough oxygen and circulation. That in itself gives me a small head rush, and my heart lets go of fear or whatever's causing the pain. I feel my heart expanding and starting to beat steadily again. My body is lighter and heavier at the same time: heavier because I feel a lot more grounded, but lighter because a heavy weight has been lifted. Strange contradiction.

I don't think I've ever been truly terrified. And if I have, my mind has completely blocked this memory for safety's sake. I imagine terrified is much like anxious, but exponentially more intensified. I don't feel my body. My mind is no longer relating to Lydia; it is completely irrational. I would be heavy all over, as though my ankles and my wrists were tied with weights; movement would be scarce, if at all. I would be blocked, still, cramped, and bolted to the ground.

Amused is probably the hardest to describe. I've never paid much attention ... amused in itself means you are preoccupied with something outside of yourself, attention focused toward the amusing person or object or situation. It feels good, though! I feel most comfortable with my body and who I am as a person when I am amused, as it disconnects my rambling mind from reality for however long of moments.

Disappointed. Let down. Dragged out. Body droops, feels heavy, heart sinks -- it's all a very "downward" motion and feeling. My body may even physically show these signs by slouching and lowering my head even as I walk. No looking at others in the eyes, or seeing anything above and beyond "me". This is probably the total opposite of overjoyed, where I feel light and free and see beyond who I am and what the world could become; instead I revert inward and sink and pout. Worst of all, I know someone or something else was the cause of disappointment, but I am the one who expected too much. This becomes full of realisations and evaluating my beliefs and judgement.

Energized is quite literal, very clear and focused. It is driven, in my body feeling like a charge of electricity running through my veins and through my brain. I can see clearly what's ahead -- and all around me -- and muscles move freely and with ease. I do feel lighter, like being overjoyed, but there is a sense of neutrality to the energy, whereas overjoyed would have been catalysed by something very particular.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Focus, Little Things

What you focus upon you shall bring more of!

Funny coincidence. This morning I walked about my neighborhood and saw this one street. It stuck out to me. It was named "Academy Cl." I thought, how wonderful would it be to live on Academy Close? Sounds so regal and studious. I've never seen this street until today. At work this morning, second customer of the day lives on .... yep, you guessed it, Academy Close.

Another little coincidence that happens to many: I decided to text my friend after several days of not hearing from him. I was about to say, "Alex, seriously, it's been way too long!" As I'm keying the words in, Alex phones.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Make the Choice

Change sure is scary. You are afraid for a while; you don't know what to expect, what will happen to you, if you'll love where you are or if you'll wish you were back where you were before.

I've moved to a brand new neighborhood! I launched myself into it because I needed a huge change (not that going to school for the first time wasn't enough or anything). I was anxious and almost physically sick for a few days, not knowing if I'd made the right move. I took a "step backwards", in society's terms, as I was living with my man since last November.  Almost a year of living with the person you love and then moving out with your besty would seem odd to most, and I felt other's judgement upon my new situation, which only added to my own unease. Once you've made a decision though, you must tough it out. You must go through the rough inner turmoil. Making that first move, the choice, was where the challenge truly lied. Now, all I must do is allow life to go on the way it easily wishes to direct itself. I suppose I like to think of life as something that's happening to me, as I feel my ego as a human being is so seperate from who I am.

That doesn't make any sense. Whatever, life is contradiction!

Anyhow, I must say that this morning's walk grabbin' coffee and catching my bus -- weaving through the trees on my new morning routine -- was delightful, charming, and rejuvinating. In the past I've been stuck in my ways, always wanting to go to the same places, do the same things, afraid that anything new might not be quite as good as previously and therefore wasted. What a way to think of life! I'm done with that. Change brings forth new feelings, new sights, new realizations and reflections of myself.

So far, everything is lovely. Our place is beautiful; small and modest, but adorable. My friend and I get along easily, we appreciate the same things, and our home lives are similar. As for no longer living with my boyfriend, I feel we're able to breathe a little easier, appreciate our company, and also take more personal care of each other ... take care of more business and select carefully the time we spend together and apart. Going to his home -- my old home -- brings back all the great times we've had, which renews the love of our past together. There is a lot to be said about having time apart from even those you love so much.

New chapters. New adventures. Old love renewed. Old habits broken, new ways adopted. I love life. I love fear and where it brings you, once you've pushed past it and climbed above it all. I feel like a new person. Now for school ... I'm ready for you!

Little Details

It's the little details in life that make things interesting.

Sunday, September 9, 2012


You become closer the moment you fear you could lose each other at any moment.

Monday, August 27, 2012


Schizophreniart -- Two parts that make a whole in one artist, with two seperate personalities. One, ready to go, ready to start or finish, always on the move and looking for the next thing to do to move forward. The other, a lazy son of a bitch, one who procrastinates, chews away at the paper and doesn't really want to do anything; always looking for a way out of making that next move.

Friend of mine and I are both in the same situation where we are lacking in self motivation, curiosity, imagination, creativity, and yet art is what we DO. Art is what we love, what we think of everyday. But getting down to business and actually doing up the pieces in your brain is such a TASK. Why does something you love doing still feel like work? We think it may be cause of schizophreniart. The big meany part of you won't actually let you sit down and enjoy what you're doing.

It's like you need to break up with the bad part of yourself so you can become a whole artist. Understand you're a crazy weirdo who can't function properly unless you say goodbye to the one side of you that just doesn't make any sense and that feeds your ego in the wrong ways.

Easier said than done!! But a good idea nonetheless, wouldn't you think? Fresh approach!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Death and Dying and D words

Lots of talk of death lately.

I feel this is what needs to happen in order for civilization to evolve to a more empathetic level. I had a talk with my friend yesterday about so many other friends all of a sudden coming into realizations and epiphanies. Things in life have somehow pushed everyone in a different direction, forward, moving towards a more "spiritual" kind of understanding of the world. Friends who have never understood what I ever talked about when I expressed the way I see things now have experienced it for themselves.

The conversion is happening quickly, so much so that we don't even know where the time goes in between the person we used to be to the person that we are now. Has there really been that big of changes in one day? In a couple of hours? Sure, time seems to be accelerating -- in whatever way you'd like to put it -- but we're also being bombarded with so much information it's hard to believe we'd actually be taking it all in.
Anyway, I've side-tracked, as I usually do. What would happen to this world if we all actually understood what it means to be dying? We are dying every single minute of every day, slowly deteriorating, and yet we push the reality of death aside. Fear of death actually stops us from living fully. The moment we accept how imminent death really is, we may start changing ourselves for the better. We may want to do everything in our power to make the present moment AMAZING, passionate, invigorating, thrilling! Pushing limits, knowing no matter what, we may die today or tomorrow or twenty years from now but it doesn't matter, because we love the fact that we are! Falling in love with death is a strange concept but I personally think this may be the only way to truly save us from all the "fear" that's instilled within.

Thank the universe every single day that you're alive, because who knows how much longer you'll be here? Know that this experience, no matter how mundane, how unfortunate, how lucky, how bright or dark, cannot be done over, cannot be taken back!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

It Doesn't Interest Me ...

Someone posted this on Facebook today and it gave me shivers. Sometimes words come along that make you want to change and be better and better and better.
"It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow; if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain -- mine or your own -- without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy -- mine or your own -- if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day. If you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure -- yours and mine -- and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!” It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in these empty moments."    Oriah

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


I'm currently reading this amazing book called "The Introvert Advantage". Highly recommended to anyone who feels they might be out of the loop with society. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in quite right, or I judge every move I make too harshly. Conversation doesn't come to me as naturally as most others, and using my short-term memory (even remembering what I did last night) is difficult. Yep, those are all introvert "qualities".

A lot of it reassures that I'm still normal, despite what other people tell me. I know there's a third of the population out there who make a fuss over the little things like I do, and who can't stand being at parties and small-talk chit-chatting for hours. It's cool, cause I can then reinforce the really great qualities of my introvertedness and use it to my advantage. It's also shown me how much my partner and I differ in different areas that I never understood before. It's not that he likes his friends more than me, it's that he needs a larger group of people to satisfy his energy cravings, whereas I feed off of one or two people to get energized. So amazing, the things you learn and that make you feel way differently about yourself!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

About Fashion

Yesterday, at an art show, I mentioned to a friend that I take a long time in the morning choosing what I feel like wearing. I don't know what it is that influences my choices, I suppose it's a lot of different things, like what colour do I feel like expressing, do I want to be comfortable or do I mind being in a bit tighter-fitting clothes, do I want to stand out in a crowd or blend in, do I want to be dark or bright, simple or complicated, eccentric or normal, and so many other factors. Throughout the seasons my style also changes; if it's summer, I have a lot less layering to do.

Anyway, when I told my friend this he was blown away. He doesn't get why girls (I think both girls and boys can take as long getting dressed) take so long trying to decide what to wear, trying to look "perfect" all the time. His girlfriend takes pride in her appearance and takes a long time to get ready in the morning, and it's very hard for him to understand why one would bother taking all that time. It must be frustrating for those who just don't see any benefit or purpose to fashion. We all brought up some really good points though, as to why people want to feel trendy, feel good in their clothing, conform or stand out from a crowd ... and it all has to do with social acceptance and exchange of information.

If I think (really hard) about why I dress up the way that I do, it's mainly because I find my being another canvas. My self is a portrait, much like a painted portrait, of who I am and which era I live in. It tends to describe what I like, and sometimes what I'm interested in. I can NOT wear the same thing twice. Yes, I will wear a shirt a bunch of times, but I won't be able to wear it in the same combination with the same other pieces even twice... if I do, a long time must go by in between. It's almost like an artistic challenge every morning: how can I combine what I have and turn it into something brand new? The way my brain works (I've figured through time) is it wants to improve everything it sees, and never repeat anything. It wants to make things better, different, more complex, always wants to add something new into the mix. It erks me to even take the same route to the coffee shop every day. You could say I'm an entrepreneur ...
I will surely be influenced by what other people think. Probably because I always want to look new and exciting, but I also want to look "good" to the public. I want people to think some kind of positive thought when they see me, whether this be "she's creative" or "she's mysterious" or "wow, how did she think of putting all those layers together?" Perhaps because that's what I think when I see others who look really good or interesting. If I enjoy it in other people, I sure will want to reflect this in myself.

There's my little rant on fashion. Why do you dress the way you do?

Monday, June 25, 2012

Piscean Nature

Just went to astro.com for the first time in a long time. Here's a couple of my favorite sections about my Piscean self, and so much of it hits home.
"It's impossible to understand your real motivations, because like the tides of the ocean, they change all the time. Pisces is concerned with a realm that has no boundaries."

"You have a fluidity and complexity which can be alternatively enchanting and infuriating. There are so many people inside you that others wonder when the real Pisces will stand up and be seen. Sometimes you show a strange passivity or inertia when a crisis looms. But making decisions requires choosing one thing over another, and to you all choices contain some truth. Seeing the relativity of truth is a great gift, because it makes you tolerant and forgiving - and, occasionally, incredibly lax. "

"That calm, wise indifference with which you greet human transgressions not only applies to your own transgressions. You can sit quietly while your lover leaves, your children insult you, your employer heaps abuse on your head, and your landlord throws you out of your house. Pisceans seem to accept misfortune as though they were born to it, expect it, even welcome it. But you know something other signs don't: all that human suffering means little when your eyes and heart are focused on a greater unity."

"But you have an intuitive sense of some other reality, something magical and elusive, a transcendent unity which makes ordinary life seem drab and meaningless."

"You're also an incurable romantic. Some Pisceans have lots of defences to hide this tendency, but romantic you were born and romantic you will remain. And romance isn't just about love affairs. You crave magic, and you get bored more easily than any other sign. The only truly consistent things about you are your allegiance to a higher, deeper reality and your love and longing for change. Never mind the safe job, the conventional social status, the budget which ensures your pension will see you through old age. You'll take hyacinths for the soul any time."

"Pisceans may be technically faithful, but their imagination isn't, and never will be. Yet the Pisces partner can give a depth of understanding and communion unmatched by any other sign. Pisceans have an essentially unpossessable quality, no matter how long you've known them. Some part of them will always belong to the cosmos, and not to you. The Pisces partner may reveal forty-five of the sixty-eight selves she's discovered inside herself that week. Be content with that. There will be dreams and visions which you never get to hear about."

*** "Keep asking a Pisces what she's thinking when she gets that vague, dreamy look, and you'll drive yourself (and her) crazy and never get any satisfactory answers. The real truth is that she probably doesn't know; she just "went off", and now she's back again. Many of Pisces' ways of communicating are nonverbal. Try to force her into rigid explanations or declarations and it's like holding a handful of water - it slides through your fingers and is gone."

"Remember never to trample on those otherworld dreams and intuitive visions, or ever assume you've understood the complex Piscean nature completely. Just when you do, they'll change on you."

About the man in my life: "It has to be said that the Taurus man can be smug. Yet when you're in a mess, he can be a rock of strength, calmness and common sense. He probably won't understand the mess, but he believes that everything should have a simple solution, and most of the time he's right - and he'll find it, no matter how complicated you thought the problem was."

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The past, the past, the past ...

Awesome exerpts from Inward Revolution, by J. Krishnamurti:

"A mind that would perceive what truth is must be free of all the conditioning of any particular culture, which means free of any belief. For belief is based on the desire for comfort, for security, or on fear. You don't believe that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. You know it will rise. It's only the mind that is uncertain, confused, seeking security, comfort; it's only the mind that believes. So one must be totally free of all belief, all conclusions and obviously, all ideals. The fact that a mind that is clouded by belief cannot possibly see what truth is, though it may search for it. Do you see the truth of it? If you see the truth of it, then it's finished. Your mind then is free to observe. As you are listening, are you observing your own beliefs, your own conclusions? Do you see that such a mind is incapable of looking, of perceiving clearly? If you would perceive clearly, the mind must be totally free of belief."

"Surely, love is not an idea; love is not an image; love is not cultivation of the memory of a person whom you think you love. Love is something totally new every minute, because it is not cultivable, it is not the result of effort, strain, conflict. Where there is love, there is no conflict, because love is not a structure of the image-builder (memory, the past, the brain)."

"So a person who would live at peace with himself and with the world must understand this whole structure of knowledge about himself and the world, knowledge which is the past. A mind that lives in the past is no mind at all; it is a dead, static thing. You are living on other people's experience. Please do see this. You have not exercised that marvelous instrument which is the brain. You use it technologically when you become an engineer, when you are fighting for a job, when you are cheating your neighbor in business. But you refuse to use that brain in understanding human relationship, upon which all our social behavior is based. Unless you do this with your heart, with your whole being, your seeking God, your wanting truth, happiness has no meaning whatsoever. You can go hunting after each guru, but you will never find truth, you will never come upon it. You must learn. You must have a mind that is sensitive, clear, objective, healthy, that has no fear."

Saturday, June 16, 2012


It's pretty amazing that through a short amount of time, our sense of smell has become, shall we say, purer. I don't find too many folks anymore who actually enjoy a perfume or non-organic fragrance. Colognes, for example, deter me now, whereas a couple of years ago it was completely the opposite. I didn't like it when my man didn't wear cologne or scented deodorant.


I guess not. It's either we're growing older (my friends and I) and so I don't know a demographic that LIKES cologne/perfume anymore, or all of us in general are becoming more aware of our surroundings through the 5 senses and smell is more important than ever. Perhaps a feeling that our instincts and senses will be necessary for our survival. Fake smells trick your brain into thinking a certain way, which messes with everything you know. Much like how the invention of plastic has made us change the way we feel weight.

Mmm, organic things. Everyone's into it. Well, I guess there's a few out there still not really gettin' it... but just give them time and they'll be in the same boat too. Something about evolution that's just making us go back to the way things naturally were ....

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Becoming something you're not ... yet

How do you become something you're not?
How do you let go of the old you so that you may evolve into who you want to be?

There must be a way. But there is resistance in me.
How is there resistance to betterment? To increasing happiness?
Are we just doomed to stay little, miserable, alone, struggling through life?

I don't believe so. I know there's a way out of this dark tunnel.

Hard to see it right now, but as my partner put it, if you're spinning the stick, it will make fire. You must keep going and be patient; it will ignite. If you stop though, you'll never get the fire you worked so hard to make.

I must revisit my beliefs about who I am. I can change who I am in a day, if I so choose, can I not? It just takes a lot of power and letting go of ego (as it's being fed  by your propelling of stories about yourself through the past). Traumatizing events make it hard for your mind to relate to anything differently. Actually, even events that don't feel traumatizing impact who you are today, and instill fear of change in you. Everything that's ever happened to me, or that I created for myself, led me to who I am today  ...  but what if I suddenly chose a different path? Could I change faster than I think? Instead of it taking me 20 odd years to come to this, could I take 20 days and transform who I am completely? Hardest part will be shedding the belief systems I don't even know I hold. So, then, first step would be to dig deep and find out what's holding me back.

What beliefs don't suit who I want to be anymore? What can I do everyday to instill the right ones?

Friday, June 1, 2012

Energy Workshops

I experienced a release the other day which came quite unexpectedly; I guess for where I was going, I should have expected it. I entered a room filled with people who are highly "spiritually attuned"; I entered a psychic/energy expo. I mainly went to check out my mom's booth, as she does past life regression & hypnotherapy (knowthyselves.com). After an hour or so of hanging out, I found myself floating to a couple of different workshops. Now, I'm not the kind of person to like doing group work. Anything that involves me and a bunch of people in a circle "loosening" up and shaking about isn't what I'd be signing up for on a usual day. But I figured, if I was there, I may as well just go and make a fool of myself -- who cares what anyone thinks really -- so I did.

I'm so happy I convinced myself to step inside that large, LARGE empty gymnasium to do the Qi Gong workshop.  We stood there, shook our little bodies, saluted the sun, brought a "ball of light" through our entire bodies ... at first it felt really funny, but when I loosened up a bit more I started to enjoy the feeling of it all. It was really liberating, clearing, and I ended up quite literally vibrating; although the postures and moves were easy peasy, a couple spots in my body started to ache. This meant energy was being circulated into those sensitive areas, in turn irritating sore spots. I got outta there just floating. Happy, as though I'd just released all of my junk.

Next I went to a meditation class, a Cowabunga Life workshop (cowabungalife.com). Brad had spoken at this really cool event called the Awesome Shit Club, where he mentioned he was going to put together 40 daily meditations sent to your email every day to make you feel better about your life. His energy was explosive ... the moment he stepped on that stage and said a word (actually, I think it was "ooommmm" haha), all of us felt better than we had the second before. It's not easy to say that in a room full of strangers who aren't necessarily spiritual in any way, and still get a good response. Aaaaanyway! I went to Brad's meditation class. Apart from having to dance like monkeys at the very beginning (like I said, not my thing), the class was amazing! I actually started crying from the true, beautiful things that came out of his mouth. He's all about finding the things that make you the most happy in life and bringing more of that stuff in. It's all so simple when you hear it from someone else. Sure, I'll just dump all the things that don't make me happy and do all the things that do!! Of course, I'm a firm believer in the fact that once you've set a path and it makes you feel GOOD, the universe will conspire with you to make it all happen -- sometimes in the strangest ways of course -- and if you are confused, cluttered, frustrated, or in any kind of negative mind state, you'll end up attracting that too. The universe doesn't judge whether what you're asking for is good or bad. It'll just give it to ya. So be careful what you wish for.

I came out of his class even more buzzing than after the Qi Gong workshop. Two amazing, energetically charged workshops in a row?!! I was bouncing off the walls, I coulda started flying! But I found that my energy quickly depleted only a couple hours later ... but my ego was fighting really hard to stay in that "happy" state of mind. That's probably the worst one could do, is try to "hold on" to a state of mind, because then it's forced, fake, and in conflict. So I let it all go. I figured that so much energy at once, with my body not being used to it at ALL, would tire my body down.

This was one of the most pleasant days I've had in a long time. Now I'm trying to implement more breathing techniques and movement in my daily routines. I miss dancing, and dancing makes me SO happy. I miss singing, music, activity, buzzing crowds ... so I suppose that's what I'll be adding to my life! And meditation!!! Hope you find what it is in your life you're missing to make you more energetic, makes you happy, and makes you feel like you're doing the RIGHT THING for YOU.

Love, Lyds

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Change. Everything around me is changing.


Everything around me is changing. As we all must know, change is the only constant. I should be used to it ... shouldn't we all? We should establish first and foremost what kind of change constitutes BAD change, if any kind at all. Shaping into things that cause you pain and suffering, in my opinion, would be the wrong kind of change. So far, I guess I've not physically been hurt by the happenings around me, but sometimes emotionally. And emotional pain is very much like physical pain as it harbours symptoms that creep up on you slowly, and lay you on your death bed faster than you could have noticed and cured it. Ailments that are life-long and hiding beneath the surface are the worst kinds: if you don't know about something you can't do much about it.

Lately I feel as though I've failed to make my dreams come true. I have not "succeeded" in material terms -- there is nothing much to show for these last couple of months without a job and with all the time in the world to spare. But the only way we learn is from mistakes, and although I can't necessarily track the mistakes I've made, I still have alot to take from how I spent my time, and want to spend it in the future. Procrastination is a huge deal for me, I suffer from the same confusion as most of the population. I think of how I want to experience a certain feeling or event right NOW, and I'd rather do that than think of the long term effect. But you know what, thinking of RIGHT NOW isn't the best way to go. There's a balance that needs to happen, a consideration of the future, of comfort between right now and right ahead. Perhaps sacrifice doesn't have to be made to be happy later on, just compromise, like a relationship. You give some, you take some, you even out in the long run. I don't know.

I love how these things sometimes become rants. I start my ranting with something in mind and then totally forget what my point was. Maybe that should be taken literally into the grander things in my life -- if I can't stay focused on the goal or the point, how am I supposed to get there in an organized fashion?

Monday, April 16, 2012

Philosophical Coffee Date

Today I had a great philosophical talk over coffee. It made me realize how much of me loves to try to solve the entire world. There's a lot of passion that comes out of me through theory and ideals and complex unsolvable equations. When I'm stuck in my head doing it, I feel so lost, down and under, unable to really appreciate what it is that life has to offer because there's just too much to think about. But when I express it, verbalize it to someone else, it tends to kind of work itself out in ways that are unexplainable. I don't come to a conclusion, instead I realize that the conclusion will never be there and that's the BEAUTY of it. Everything can be anything you wish it to be! And I always know this but I lose myself in meanings and words and translations and views and yaddayaydaydyaddaaaa. BLUH. Too much mumbojumbo. After using all those words you come clear with it: there are no words to express the MEANING of life. Let it be complicated. Let it be unsolvable. Enjoy not knowing, not controlling any of it.

SO MUCH PASSION! Thaaat's what was missing.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

"It's not just the number of hours we're working, but also the fact that we spend too many continuous hours juggling too many things at the same time.

What we've lost, above all, are stopping points, finish lines and boundaries. Technology has blurred them beyond recognition. Wherever we go, our work follows us, on our digital devices, ever insistent and intrusive. It's like an itch we can't resist scratching, even though scratching invariably makes it worse." -- Tony Schwartz

"You wander from room to room
Hunting for the diamond necklace
That is already around your neck!" -- Rumi
EVERYTHING is about creativity right now. Everything is pushing me in certain directions, in places where I must look UP instead of DOWN. There is drive, somedays -- not every day -- but my goal is to appreciate both kinds of days. Ones which fulfill me with material, tangible results, and ones where my mind and soul has been replenished with nothingness (as nothingness is also quite its opposite, fullness).

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Taking the smallest time to stop thinking and stop worrying is so crucial to health.

I just got a Thai massage and the stress release is immense. I even have a headache from it!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Starting your own business is a lot like cooking. You have to try many different variations of the same thing before it gets any good. You have to be patient, and willing to let it change both with your help and with outside help; for example, cookbooks. Without someone else's knowledge, you wouldn't be trying out this new recipe in the first place, and sometimes it takes more than one recipe before you find which is your favorite.

Make mistakes. Learn by doing. Make that risotto ten times before you've got it right. Same thing with your business. Use the tools around you to make things work, but don't use curry powder if the recipe doesn't call for it -- sure, it's delicious, but it won't do you any good with the dish you're making. If you're trying to market yourself correctly, you have to find the things that work for you and your business specifically. Find the recipe that works.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Today feels pretty magical. Yeah, it's raining outside ... whatever.

I went for coffee this morning, quite foggy brained. Not all that awesome, but either way I got my morning coffee at my favorite spot. GOOD! The walk back was brilliant, though. A few steps from the shop there layed a gallon of dark yellow paint, just what I need to paint my room and make it cozy. Nice! So I carried it along with me. Trees were prominent on my walk -- seems like it was today all the trees had been trimmed and the branches were left on the sidewalk. Bunches of them everywhere. Freshly cut trees stood bare naked on neighbor's lawns. I said hello, and looked up to see so many birdy nests, which also made me smile. If we don't get their beautiful folliage, at least we get to see what lies inside it all that time, invisible to our sight and in turn never even wondering about its contents. Now I got to see it in plain sight. Anyhow, getting carried away here with minute details... I walked along, feeling rejuvinated, and as I thought things couldn't get any better, I saw a cherry blossom. In BLOOM! The first of the season! It's not even Spring yet, one more month to be exact!

I LOVE THIS CITY. Even with its couple downfalls. What doesn't have it's good and bad qualities? I don't want to leave you ever, Victoria. Thanks for always "blooming".

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

No matter what book I pick up lately just doesn't speak to me. Well -- it does, for a little bit, and then it goes and tells me something I don't believe in or I don't WANT to believe in, and BAM. I don't like the book anymore! Right now I'm reading Sit Down and Shut Up, which is a book about Buddhism and Zazen. It's super cool as a concept but it scares the shit out of me when he starts mentioning not wanting to have an "end goal" of enlightenment, or not doing Zazen because you want to achieve anything but rather that you want to discover the "truth", even if the truth is really scary and doesn't do anything for your ego. It's this strange lie I keep from myself: that I want to know the truth. But when I'm close to it or I've found it, and it's not what I wanted it to be, I just choose to ignore it and seek for the truth somewhere else. Does everyone do this?

I figure though that the truth doesn't have to hurt or be ugly, or surprise you. If you look, ACTUALLY look around, the truth is right there. It's in the trees, the air, the rocks at your feet, the stop sign ... and if you see this truth as a mirror, it tells you about yourself too. I saw a dead rat on my walk this morning ... wonder what that's a "metaphor" for. eeek.

Monday, February 13, 2012

I figure if I just let stuff happen, they'll happen in the right ways. So far, so good. I started working with my mom, where I clean and organize so that we can get further with the renovations. It's alright -- I help my mom, she helps me. It feels good to make some money. Now I've dropped off two resumes at employers which I didn't even have to look for. I like how it's a proven fact that when it rains, it pours. That when you do one thing, more things just like it flow in. If only it were easier said than done. But for now, it's working really well.

I've decided to go back to school. This excites me quite a bit. Every hobby of mine will be handy and used quite frequently. I'll be able to make beautiful hand-made clothing, and help other people too.

I've been feeling extremes lately. Either really relaxed and happy or really stressed and easily strung. Moods are very black and white. I suppose I just need to ride that out and it'll all even out in the end!

I'll give ya something actually "philosophical" next time. Hopefully.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Feels like time is speeding by so quickly that I don't realize how much of it has gone by between posts here. To tell you the truth, I'd kind of forgotten about my beloved little blog. Perhaps it's time to start it up again.

2012 has begun. We can all feel it. I can certainly feel more rush to get something real and impacting on the go. There's no better time than now! We always knew it but did we sense it? When January kicked off, it was great hearing all the talk of new ventures, new resolutions, people wanting to start really amazing community-oriented things. It gives everyone this boost of energy simply from having these people around. But now it's time that we keep that momentum going and keep falling in love with what we're doing, over and over again, as if it were always January 1st.

I've already had my little freakouts. I'm overwhelmed, I won't deny that. The thing that keeps me going is having all these amazing people around me who inspire me and want to be better, do better, and actually get life-long projects on the way. I'm now starting to implement schedules and deadlines. I'm a huge procrastinator but I DON'T want to be anymore. The only person I have to blame for this is myself, so I can't go on complaining about it.