Feel Alive!

Choose to be whomever you please; imaginary or real.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

First post since my travels have begun.

I've been travelling for 11 days and it feels like it's already been a month. Time goes by very slowly here in the mountains of Guatemala. It's a good thing and a bad thing, if you have a mind like mine that doesn't stop thinking and twirling and wondering. And sometimes worrying. But I'm learning to cope with it and it's actually become one of my challenges-- to stop. Stop doing all of that. See and feel mountains but don't think about them. Really inject them into your soul. No picture or no amount of words could sum up what you've felt about something.

I already miss the people I love back home. It feels like I'm so far away. Hard to believe I've got another 35 days to go before I see them. I'm having a blast, don't get me wrong... but this blast would be intensified x100 if my lover and my friends were here with me. It's amazing how much we take in alone versus with others around us. It's like we seperate our vision and our emotions. Right now I feel like I'm dividing those with strangers, and it's a very different feeling. That's why much focusing and silence is necessary for me to actually love what I'm doing and where I'm at.

Wonderful experience, both the good and the bad.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Yesterday I was asking my mom and my friend if they ever SEE the trees downtown. You know, the ones that are stickin out in front of your dental office? Or the ones you pass by while you're shopping? The ones blowing in the wind, just taking it...

And this morning I was speaking to my mom about how we constantly are waiting to be happy later. All we need to do is realize that if death is coming we can't constantly be waiting and waiting. What if that stuff never comes? What you thought would make you happy never ever comes? You are inherently amazing. Once you realize how happy you can be without ANYTHING else, you can be happy right NOW.

So anyway, this Osho book just read all this stuff right back to me:

"The conscious man lives in the body, loves his body, celebrates it, but he is not the body. He knows that there is something in him that will survive all deaths. He knows that there is something in him that is eternal and time cannot destroy it. This he has come to feel through meditation, love, prayer. This he has come to feel inside his own being. He is unafraid. He is unafraid of death because he knows what life is. And he is not chasing happiness, because he knows God is sending him millions of opportunities; he has just to allow.
Can't you see the trees are rooted in the ground? They cannot go anywhere, and still they are happy. They cannot chase happiness, certainly; they cannot go and seek happiness. They are rooted in the ground, they cannot move, but can't you see the happiness? Can't you see their joy when it is raining, their great contentment when winds are running hither and thither? Can't you feel their dance? They are rooted; they go nowhere. Still, life comes to them."

I almost cried actually when I read the part about the trees. Ooooh boy.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I'm going on a trip really really soon.

Like, 2 weeks soon.


But I find myself disliking where I'm at right now, waiting and waiting until I'm there and having a blast. But I came to a sudden realization, at work, while "hating my life". Even though I'm about to go on the trip of a life time, I shouldn't be shunning life right NOW.

What if I were to die instantly tomorrow? I'd never have gotten to go on my trip. I would have wanted to change the way I was living every waking moment, loving every moment, charishing every single one of them so that even if I died a second later, "moved on" a second later, I'd have loved life til the very end. I wonder if we die as fulfilled and end up the same if we didn't die in a happy state. Or perhaps happiness is nothing and when we die we realize that we sweated all that small stuff for absolutely nothing. I guess that's mainly why I shouldn't sweat it right now. As the famous book titles, "Don't sweat the small stuff. And it's all small stuff."

Thursday, September 8, 2011

What's wrong with the way we view wealth in our society? Generations born in this era are brought up thinking that making lots of money is wrong, that being "rich" is bad. The moment we're offered an easy way out, we think it's a scam, or we think that it's not ethical because we need to "work hard for our money". It's as if we were brought up to suffer, to be in pain and work for the man until the day we die.

I was having an argument with my folks about what I think it means to be wealthy. I concluded that I find wealth to be freedom. Freedom from all restraints, or if there are restraints they are ones you've decided to put up for yourself and you actually like those challenges and work better with them. Wealth is material comfort, yes, but not extravagently. I have the misconception of thinking that if someone dresses lavishly, has a nice car, owns an upscale over-the-top home, they're just greedy. But who am I to say? Just because I don't like all those things doesn't mean owning those things is WRONG. It doesn't make you a bad person. Is greed really all that bad anyway? Only reason I personally don't agree with greed is because it propels our economy to unnecessary heights and proportions. We're trying to stabilize the economy but instead we continue segregating the common people into lower and lower classes. SO. After coming up with this and catch 22-ing myself because I was just being really judgemental, I found out that I really do want money. I want to be stable, comfortable, free. I want to have TIME to do things that I love to do. But I don't want to slave my life away. An older man came into my office the other day and said he worked all of his life so that he could finally golf in his retirement. I want to retire in my 20's. I want to prove to the young folks that something different can be done that lets us take more control of our own lives and spend our time wisely, freely, with more stability and constant flow of ... yep, cashola.

PS: 111th post!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Today's tidbits from a book called "Body Mind Balancing":

If people are ecstatic, then the whole pattern of this society will have to change. This society exists on misery. Misery is a great investment for this society. So we bring up children … from the very beginning we create a leaning toward misery. That’s why they always choose misery.

In the morning everybody has a choice. And not only in the morning, every moment there is a choice to be miserable or to be happy. You always choose to be miserable because that has become a habit, a pattern; you have always done that. You have become efficient at doing it; it has become a track. The moment your mind has to choose, it immediately flows toward misery.

Every child is born ecstatic. Every child is born a god. And every man dies a madman.

If you become one with anything you become blissful. If you separate yourself from anything, even if it is happiness, you will become miserable.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

This morning the walk to the bus was so blissful. Everything was beautiful, perfect. States like this come and go and I relished in it while it was there...

"When you know, they know. They look at you and they know. They can't help but look at you because they know what you know radiates outwards. Truth is, what they don't know is that the reason you look as if you know...is because you gave up trying to know, long long ago. You're a light, a shining image that radiates acceptance of everything around. They see their magnificent reflection purely through you, and that lifts them up to a sacred place they rarely get to experience. Truly, that is the path I choose in this lifetime, no matter how difficult to sustain. You have to get up and go to work, do your 'job' as best you can every single day. You job is only to remain constantly jobless: empty, in the most full, overflowing way. For your emptiness is full of room. Room for them to understand vastness."
-- Lydia
A few quotes I had lyin around in my notepad:

When you affirm your own rightness in the universe, then you cooperate with others easily and automatically as a part of your own nature. You, being yourself, help others be themselves. You are not jealous of talents you do not possess, and so you can openheartedly encourage them in others. Because you recognize your own uniqueness, you will not need to dominate others, nor cringe before them.
-- Seth

The Poet's approach is not that of explanation. It is that of exclamation. He says, "Aha, aha! So here is the mystery."
All religious people are mad. Mad because to them life is not a question, not a problem to be solved but a mystery into which one has to dissolve oneself.
Emptiness takes nothing seriously.
-- Osho

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Yesterday I went to the beach in Tofino. I layed there and was battling with my thoughts for a couple of hours. I find that's always what happens. If I'm alone, in a quiet, peaceful surrounding, my mind takes over and I can't relax. I thought I wouldn't be able to get over it! I did a little bit of reading throughout (reading a great book by Osho) and still found I couldn't calm down. So I rested as much as I could and let everything go on and on and on. The chatter.

When I got up after about 2 hours of laying in the sun all of a sudden this huge amount of tension was released. I didn't understand it but it just happened. It's as if my constant struggle for two hours all of a sudden just went "whoooshh" and I was liberated from worry and thought! I was amazed. I felt lighter. And happier! Everything happened around me and I was no longer influenced by any of it.

I realized that every single day all I do -- without even noticing it -- is judge ... I constantly try to "change for the better" when the way that I am right now is perfect. The reason my mind keeps going is because there's a REASON to have this chatter. I figured out, I guess, that it's because I think too much on how to improve something, someone, or myself 24/7. If everything is perfect as it is, reason doesn't exist, for the only time you need to reason is because something isn't right, needs to be changed, whatever. RELAX! Let it be!! Flow! It's amazing how many times you can read this in a book or hear it from someone else and never truly understand it until it happens to you.

PS: I can't form proper sentences today.
PPS: I ain't gonna try to change that.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Drawing is so therapeutic. I've said it before but every time I take on a really difficult drawing, some kind of commission, it blows my mind how stressed out I can get if I don't just zoom out and just take it step by step. Overthinking will NOT help you achieve what you want. I had to push through little humps of "This isn't good enough" or "How do I get this specific texture" stuff. Just do it and you can correct it if it doesn't look good! How will you know if you don't first give it a shot?

I always find drawing to be like meditation. You concentrate on this fine, tiny point. So much so that I forget what the whole picture looks like. This is also a great analogy for life itself: in our little bodies we're focused on our point of view while there are such bigger and grander things happening that are really quite beautiful, but since we insist on looking in one direction only, we can't see or feel that beauty!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Things come to pass, they always do. I've always had a hard time accepting struggle; when I'm not enjoying myself it feels like it'll be that way forever and that makes me even more frustrated. But everything ends, begins, and ends again ... constant change. And this is the case with your emotions, your daily routines, strange situations you put yourself in -- writing an exam, doing something you dread doing, physical labor -- just know that once you're done, you can reap the rewards.

Plus, zoom out. In the grand scheme of LIFE, it was but a tiny little speck, a moment in time that barely ever existed. Only your mind makes a certain moment significant and "larger" than it truly was.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

"When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it."
"Making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision".
- Paulo Coelho

I'm reading The Alchemist for the first time ever (yeah, about time). I wanted to know what this "international bestselling phenomenon" was all about. I can't say I like the writing style all that much, and stories kind of irritate me if they aren't written in a consecutive way, but I do love what he's trying to get at. Through little stories and insights on a boy's life you learn the way Paulo thinks about the world. I haven't read the whole thing yet so I'm trying to stay captivated so I may give you the full on review. So far, it's neat.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I am a few pages away from finishing one of the best books I've ever read, called

"The Nature of Personal Reality"
review by Kristen Fox (she describes the way this book made me feel 100%)

"If you want to understand the details of how reality creation works, this book is a MUST READ. Beliefs, expectations, thought forms, general metaphysics, psychology, infinite probabilities, the consciousness of all things - it's all there. If you love thought-provoking reads that have the capacity to turn your assumptions about physical reality upside down - read this book! Jane Roberts was a very scientifically-oriented individual with an extremely discerning mind and this channeled material is an excellent reflection of that focus.

This was the first book I read that spoke directly about reality creation and as I read it I felt like I had come home. Finally, there was something in front of me that showed me things that I had known my entire life but hadn't been able to put into words. Seth comes at reality creation from dozens of different angles and helps you put the pieces together to form a larger picture."

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Why do we let things affect us so much?

Emotions seem to be out of our control. But they truly aren't. There is a reason behind every emotion you have, and you've brought it upon yourself. You are NEVER a victim to emotion. You've agreed with what you're going through, you have accepted it as truth, as regular, as you. But if you realize that everything is based off of your belief system, you can alter those systems to offer you better ground for decision making. Sometimes it feels like someone's words have physically wounded your heart -- the words contradicted everything you stand for. The physical pain is a direct result of you taking something personally, letting it "affect" you. But they're just words! Or it was just an action! Nothing touched you, nothing penetrated you ... but your thoughts are making you feel awful, aren't they? Depression is so common because we pile on all of this non-physical "disagreement" and let it build up until it's weighed us down so much we can't get ourselves to move! We're physically negatively altered from this unreal, transparent energy.

Thing is I don't know how to control this myself ... I've gotta alter all my current beliefs so that nothing affects me and I can stand on my own. Hard to do.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

The book I was talkin about in my last post has blown my mind repeatedly. I love how things line up to coincide with what you're reading. If you're contemplating time, the answer will be shown in the book. If you wonder about past lives, the book will confirm what you were thinking. Oh the joy of reading!

Most important and beneficial phrase in the whole book is, "The present is your point of power." No matter what happens, no matter what the circumstances have been in your past or where your future seems to be headed, your present is where you change all of it. Belief systems have been huge for me: disecting every little thought that goes through my head and wondering if it's the way I want to feel about myself, or about the world around me. Your world is completely filtered through your consciousness, so you can't blame anyone, EVER, for what happens to you.

It's all you, baby.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Shredded Document

Super cool!!

Lots of little synchronicities lately, it feels good. I'm reading an awesome book called "The Nature of Personal Reality" by Jane Roberts (who chanels Seth for this book). A lot of the stuff I'm reading is popping up in my own experience which validates much of the information (but really you'll always validate information you've come across if you believe it to be true).

I'm at my office right now and had a client come in saying his documents were taken when they shouldn't have. This transaction was last Thursday, so almost 5 days ago. I told him that we may have put it in the shredding bin and most likely would have been taken away, but I could take a look for him. Instantly my mind raced and tried to make me believe I couldn't find it ... that it was impossible, it's been 5 days with SO much paperwork in between, and it would take something like an hour to sift through all the old paper in the recycling bin -- and worse is the fact that it probably wasn't even IN the shredding bin as it would have been "batched" and put in a box at the back. I told him I'd look anyway.

I sent out the intention of finding this man's document. I switched off my brain and started digging. I "figured", or "sensed" that this would be in the middle of the pile in the shredding bin, so I took out a whole bunch of stuff, placed it on the table (as it fell in all directions and looked very overwhelming) and then started looking at the names on each document. I quickly thought "How in the world am I going to find this man's document?!! I could be here for hours, it's impossible!" but I just as quickly caught myself and put it away. Instead I replaced it with "This document will pop up within the next couple I pick up". Sure enough, I was bewildered when I held in my hands my customer's document. Not only was it supposed to have been shredded, but we should have taken this and stapled it to the document in the locked up room to keep for reference. Miraculously, the agent who handled it before had forgotten and just tossed it in the recycling bin.

I don't know if I'm explaining it properly, if you can understand how big of a feat this was, but I was so proud of myself. I was proud that I was able to trust myself and in return was able to see the physical manifestation of such trust.

So folks -- trust. Believe. Understand that whatever manifests inside of you manifests instantly outside of you, no matter how subtle this result.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I love pep talks, I love encouragement and cool focus groups -- lots of things that help you get going on something you've been meaning to do for a long time. Unfortunately a little bit too big of a push will actually get me in the wrong direction. Someone nagging at me to finish something or to "get my butt in gear" probably won't do much, in fact it will do the opposite. I'm too stubborn to do what people TELL me to do. And really, most people are like this (take kids for example, they won't eat vegetables if you try and shove them down their throat).

Needless to say after that whole shpiel I'm ready to take things into my own hands and actually do something with my life. I've procrastinated enough... success here I come.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Being more present has been taught wrong, in my opinion. There is a past and a future but in order to make them more meaningful and purposeful the present must have more substance. This would be done through taking more time to be conscious of our surroundings: stopping ourselves and realizing what affects us, and what we're affecting as well. Being more present would in turn let us remember the moments that pass us by and become our so-called "past". Why would I want to live if I can't remember the love I felt through an amazing experience I had moments, days, or years ago? On the other hand, how many times have you tried to think of what you ate earlier that day and couldn't even remember? That, my friends, is not paying enough attention to the very actions you're taking. So sad!

I do think I've got solutions to that though. Comin' up real quick.
Say it out loud and you'll call it to yourself. Try it, it works!


"Why not?" ... A question so simple to forget. I find it's a much easier question to answer than "Why?"


"... they had been brought together not of their own volition or by simple coincidence, but by some curious perversion of physics -- as if relationships between people were susceptible to the same laws that governed the relationships between atoms and molecules."

"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?"

-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The sick body -- hard one to figure out. I started getting sick last night and now I'm in a good amount of pain sitting here at work. I don't really need to feel a victim right now, which is one reason why I believe the body gets sick like this. Another reason would be needing to get rid of built up inner tension or emotion. I've been pretty stress free lately other than some deadlines but I think I've got them under control. So why am I sick today? Why is my body aching all over and my brain so foggy I can't simmer down thought patterns? I've got a very important trip coming up next weekend and I want to be in top shape for it.

These days feel like tests, too. Through pain one can experience epiphanies and new ways of looking at the world. Otherwise if everything was easy we wouldn't try to find new ways of seeing things. But what is it that I'm supposed to figure out? Heeeelllpppp!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Do you also notice that when you don't have any technology around you, time goes by much slower?

Why do we fret about being somewhere else? Right now I just thought of how my parents were still having coffee at this wonderful little coffee shop in my neighborhood. I joined them but very briefly, having to leave them 15 minutes in to rush to work. But why would I even bother thinking about how great it is there instead of here? I should just focus on where I am right now, and find the beautiful things surrounding me. We think too much of what COULD be, instead of what IS. Take a moment and find all the things you enjoy about where you are right now.
Our eyes are open all day long. But what do we actually see? I believe we only see around 10 or 20% of what's actually in front of us. No wonder accidents happen all the time -- carelessness, sure, but I think it's mostly because we just don't take the time to truly see the things that are in front of us. And I don't even mean tiny details. Big things! I was waiting at the bus stop the other day and noticed how much my mind was wandering. When I noticed that, I felt so inward. I consciously shifted my awareness outside of myself and automatically was blown away by how much MORE I saw in front of me. Sure, I saw stuff when all I was doing was thinking, but not in the same way. It was hazy and borderless, unlike when I payed attention to the total picture that stood before me. I'm sitting on a bench! Cyclists are going b y, someone dropped a cigarette butt, there are kids running around and people who are impatiently waiting beside me. All you have to do is ask yourself what you were just surrounded by and you'll notice that you can't really describe it. Why don't we pay more attention? Perhaps paying more attention would lead to greater awareness of ourselves through our surroundings?

Just a thought.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Amazing how one night can change your whole perspective on something, or someone. The latter was my discovery last night. Don't know how long it'll last (I'm such a pessimist) but right now I feel great!! All from one night of yummy party favors at a somewhat dull dance party. We got to reconnect on a different level which I hadn't felt in a long time .. the bond we had when we started having more than friend feelings for each other. Oh yay. And I loosened up and met some new people, made some new friends. Haven't slept for about 30 hours and I've got 2 more to go here at work. Generally been a good day overall though!

What does life have to bring next? Ups? Downs? Allarounds?

Monday, April 4, 2011

"It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things."

I found this book on the side of the road about 2 weeks ago called Blue Like Jazz. I've had to really try hard not to read it all at once, to tear myself away from its pages because it speaks to me so clearly. Strange thing about this is the fact that the book is about Christian Spirituality. I was raised around a lot of religion, therefore am quite against it, but the way Donald Miller -- the author -- puts it, he makes it sound genuine, true, powerful, and a way of living that surpasses any other religion or even spiritual teachings I've come across. Everything he says, about love, money, people, war, and lifestyles rings true in me. Highly recommended book to see life through the eyes of someone else, yet resonate even though the world says these views are "different".

I mainly believe God to be "Source", much broader than the Bible would state. I'm sure Jesus reigned and was above many of his people and beyond his time, but I do not owe my life to him nor this God "figure" they've instilled in the mind and ego. So although I do not agree with God being this important statue whom we must all give away our lives to, confess our sins to, and feel bad for not pleasing, Donald makes it easy for me to see that God is pretty much anything that I want it to be, and the teachings he talks about can be and are, most often, applied to my life already. It's amazing the parralels I've found in the way he sees Christian Spirituality and my own "nameless" views.

I could quote his entire book if I really wanted to. So you'll be seeing a lot of quotes coming up from him. Highly suggest reading this book!! Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Envision a brighter future. Envision something beautiful, amazing, breathtaking – what does it consist of?

Nurturing. Love. Unconditional passion and love for everyone around you, endlessly walking in a cloud of people who reflect your wants and needs. That'd be mine.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Relationships are all the talk these days. Everyone's in one or has just fallen out of one ... and I don't know too many that are doing overly well, either. Makes me kind of sick to my stomach.

Today's thoughts (mostly rhetorical questions) revolve around how "together" two people should be. I suppose it all depends on the couple, but is there a "normal" amount of "togetherness"? By this I mean, does your partner become part of you, or do you stay two seperate entities? Do the choices your partner makes affect how you feel about yourself, as if linked with a transparent thread to your heart?

Personally I can't help but feel the hurt that my partner feels, and in turn feel disappointed when he does something I don't agree with. So what's the limit? How much can one take? Morals, values and ethics are supposed to be what you stand for, what you believe in and you're supposed to live your truth! Is it okay for your partner to contradict one of these? Can you love someone who goes against what you believe is right and wrong? A friend and I were discussing independence in relationships and how healthy it can be -- if you don't take it too far. You're in a relationship because you're supposed to compliment each other, work well together, and push each other forward.


Monday, March 21, 2011

But, all in all...

From order comes chaos.
From chaos comes order.
Round and round it goes ... until the world stops spinning.
So, attached to my previous post, what do we do to be happy again? Affirmations aren't enough. New belief systems aren't enough, and no amount of alcohol or drugs could cover up the emotions forcing themselves through our pores. So if it's not an outside source that will cure our insides, guess we gotta use our insides to cure the outside?

I've found that crying helps, although I feel like an emotional wreck at times ... but it's so much better than holding it in. Most of the time I have no idea what I'm crying about! But half an hour or so later I'm satisfied and feel that my body's gotten rid of the negative crap taking over my brain.

Time is a big thing now too, as we constantly feel that there isn't enough of it to get what we want done. Funny thing is that time seems to slow down if you stop thinking about it so much. And that is definitely one way to be happier -- SLOW DOWN! Stop caring so much about where you gotta be ... focus on where you are.
Life is hectic right now. Crazy. Even if we're well off and have everything we could really ask for, our internal state is not satisfied. Our will power is slowly washing away. All the things we do don't have the same importance as they used to. The food we eat feels drained of its life energy, and in turn our bodies slowly drain themselves of the vitality we no longer have access to. There are so many factors we could blame, but really, all we have to blame is our selves.

I'm sure we all knew this "day" would arrive. The day where everyone is emotionally unstable -- much like the earth -- so much so that nothing is certain anymore, and our visions of a bright future quickly fade at the thought of the hard work needed to undo the damage we've done over thousands of years. Parents are divorcing, children are getting addicted to mind-numbing substances, animals all over the planet are going extinct, the trees are catching fire ... these are all polar symptoms of the same growing, spreading disease.

Not many of my friends' relationships are working. Not many of my friends' parents' relationships (including my own) are working. More and more people can't stand being in a room together, and when humans walk by each other we avoid all eye contact. Are we just afraid of others finding out what's hidden under the very thin layer of skin we're bound to? Finding out that really, we're just a huge sack o' potatoes?!

... it's as good of a guess as any.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Having trust issues is never really about the other person. Your mind is constantly fabricating your worry. Trust and worry are things that run through time; without a timeline, we'd have nothing to gauge worry or trust by. The mind conceptualizes absolutely everything before making it a reality, including something as crazy as wondering why your husband isn't home yet and imagining ten different scenarios that just aren't true... yet.

So deal with things as they happen, IF they happen!
The only thing in your control is the way you let yourself perceive an incident.You are constantly propelling your own misery and creating environments where your ego was right. Your mind will make it up first, and then things will happen around you to reflect your inner world.
So stop worrying.
Because you're only creating the misery much earlier on than you needed to. And if you have trust issues, people around you will show you why.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I'm bored at work and thought the best way to use my time efficiently was to look up different "motivational" blogs. I stumbled across a few really really good ones! Take a peek:


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."
-- Marcel Proust

"We are here, and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine."
-- H. L. Mencken

Mmmm ... ponder that!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Holy Epiphany!

Love your being, then and only then can you love those around you. Then and only then can they return that love! That is all.

Happy Valentine's day!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Sunday, February 6, 2011

2010 disappeared. Probably didn't even happen. Memories are hard to hold on to.


I'm in a crazy weird mood. Fed up with a few things, mainly my own body and how it seems I can't even control my own vehicle. Maybe I'm not changing the oil frequently enough, or I'm running on empty. So now; to find my fuel. How do you find something you didn't know was missing in the first place?


Health. Health is coming up big time, all the time. I've been sick in many different ways but now things have hit hard. Sickness that you can't turn your back on, long term effects that can only be cured with real physical effort, diligance and probably a good work out plan. Fuck I hate working out.


Life can be beautiful and so ugly all at the same time. While I'm sitting here someone else is suffering a tremendous amount without my knowing it. While I'm sitting here my body's cells are fighting bacteria I have no clue exists. While I sit here in this gloomy office, comfortable, dry, out of the cold ... someone is sitting outside of this gloomy office, uncomfortable, wet, in the cold. This morning I dropped all my things on the bus, then I went to grab a coffee and the barista gave me an extra snack for free. Balance in all things, I suppose. What I wonder about all this is: does our mood affect our surroundings, or do our surroundings affect our mood? If I was pissed off after the bus incident, why did I bring the extra snack to myself shortly after?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

"The border between discipline and habit is often hard to distinguish, but that is precisely the difference that you have to keep in mind at this time. Habit is mindless and unconscious, whereas discipline is self- imposed and suited to achieving your goals."

Hard to take... but must be taken.
Oh happy day!

I love days where you're HIT in the face with realization.

Now I know what I have to do. It's scary, but I know. Reading with mom totally confirms it all. I have to do some sorting through of my surroundings: let go of imperminance, useless activities, mindless actions, and more specifically let go of the people who serve no purpose in my life! I must find the strength in me that lets me do this, that lets me tell people straight up that they just aren't benefitting any positive aspect of my life anymore/yet.

Today I floated around aimlessly. I went to the Cornerstone and thought I might just read. Of course, this didn't happen, as it's the Cornerstone! Always running into friends. I had an amazing talk with an amazing person, who I actually do look up to quite a bit (she has no idea). Her being encompasses my want for becoming stronger and more persuasive of my dreams, of knowing what I want.

My new years resolution is to be more proactive. Less procrastination, more production. I've been wanting to do more art and it hasn't happened, but I know that's because I still need to find the right people. Today I ran into two (actually, kind of three). Very random, both very influencial and artistic idols of mine who've done some really great stuff around Victoria. I remember I wrote down in my journal that I wanted to find more people to do this stuff with -- there ya go, Lyds! Right in your face, you better take this opportunity.

So now what I need to do is filter. Filter the people I want around me. There are lots of great personalities, but that's all they are. It's a waste of time right now, and I need to get down to business. Make stuff!! Have a few people you want to (..need to) see once in a while, and the rest shouldn't matter. Discipline, organization and growth. Come out fresh, emerging new artist when you've done all the work. Don't worry, they'll all be there when you come out. They might see something in me that inspires them, too, which would be amazing. I'd love to inspire people.

YES, YES YES! "To say yes to one instant, is to say yes to all of eternity."

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Today was a great day, until I got to work. Once I got here I realized how much I didn't want to be here. It wasn't only my brain thinking it -- it was materializing itself into my physical symptoms as well. My eyes are heavy, my head is foggy, my legs and back are weak. Thing is, I know it's all my state of mind that could change it in a heartbeat, but it's not always that easy. Sometimes we don't know what's weighing us down. Only way you can fix a problem is knowing what that problem is in the first place.

So I decided to gather some "happy" quotes to boost me up and make me realize that no one else can make me happy but myself! Hope you enjoy these as much as I did.

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” (Mark Twain)

“If you want to be happy, be.” (Leo Tolstoy)

“Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by - product.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

“Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.” (Fyodor Dostoevsky)

“Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.” (Stacey Charter)

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” (Nathaniel Hawthorne)

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” (Dalai Lama)

“Happiness is a Swedish sunset; it is there for all, but most of us look the other way and lose it.” (Mark Twain)

“The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.” (Doug Larson)