Change sure is scary. You are afraid for a while; you don't know what to expect, what will happen to you, if you'll love where you are or if you'll wish you were back where you were before.
I've moved to a brand new neighborhood! I launched myself into it because I needed a huge change (not that going to school for the first time wasn't enough or anything). I was anxious and almost physically sick for a few days, not knowing if I'd made the right move. I took a "step backwards", in society's terms, as I was living with my man since last November. Almost a year of living with the person you love and then moving out with your besty would seem odd to most, and I felt other's judgement upon my new situation, which only added to my own unease. Once you've made a decision though, you must tough it out. You must go through the rough inner turmoil. Making that first move, the choice, was where the challenge truly lied. Now, all I must do is allow life to go on the way it easily wishes to direct itself. I suppose I like to think of life as something that's happening to me, as I feel my ego as a human being is so seperate from who I am.
That doesn't make any sense. Whatever, life is contradiction!
Anyhow, I must say that this morning's walk grabbin' coffee and catching my bus -- weaving through the trees on my new morning routine -- was delightful, charming, and rejuvinating. In the past I've been stuck in my ways, always wanting to go to the same places, do the same things, afraid that anything new might not be quite as good as previously and therefore wasted. What a way to think of life! I'm done with that. Change brings forth new feelings, new sights, new realizations and reflections of myself.
So far, everything is lovely. Our place is beautiful; small and modest, but adorable. My friend and I get along easily, we appreciate the same things, and our home lives are similar. As for no longer living with my boyfriend, I feel we're able to breathe a little easier, appreciate our company, and also take more personal care of each other ... take care of more business and select carefully the time we spend together and apart. Going to his home -- my old home -- brings back all the great times we've had, which renews the love of our past together. There is a lot to be said about having time apart from even those you love so much.
New chapters. New adventures. Old love renewed. Old habits broken, new ways adopted. I love life. I love fear and where it brings you, once you've pushed past it and climbed above it all. I feel like a new person. Now for school ... I'm ready for you!