Feel Alive!

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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Rollercoaster

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster lately. Ups and downs of life are getting closer and closer together, with less interval in between. One day I'm flying high, soaring through clouds of purpose and joy and freedom and love, then the next day is heavy; my heart aches and my soul longs for something more. When is what I'm doing enough? When will be the day where I am completely content, loving even the challenges as much as the comfort of achievement? It's all good that I work towards a goal, but I must learn to enjoy the journey appropriately.

Relationships go through you. This third "partner" that is the relationship does not want to leave so quickly. I see a relationship as three "identities": the two lovers and the love or "stuff" born from them. If I were to draw this, it would be a triangle, all flowing through each other. This third identity is more of a void, an understanding, a looming energy that is the catalyst for a lot of events in the relationship's life. When you and your partner decide to go your seperate ways, this energy stays with the two of you for a long time before agreeing that it's learned enough from all of it. It is also a lot tougher when you see each other frequently; seems like this energy gets confused. Past and present are hard to discern ... what are the boundaries? What hurts you as it used to and what shouldn't affect you any longer?

All of this is new to me. I thought it'd be much easier for me than it actually ended up being. I have moments of weakness, where I go back to the dark recesses of my mind and get completely irrational. These things seem uncontrollable ... but I wonder if it's because I long for some kind of subconscious mourning or tragedy and this is the way it's manifesting itself. Thing is, if every day is so different, why is it that one day I want love and joy and the other I would want defeat and anger? Humans are confusing!

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