Monday, October 21, 2013
The end of the summer was a real high for me. I came out of myself, I became extremely social and made so many new wonderful connections. Saw so much music, immersed myself in art, danced, and wandered in the night. It's almost like my inner child came out and taught my adult self important lessons. There are so many people in my life I'm thankful for, some of them not even knowing for very long but already having a strong bond, an instant connection. Life has been full of substance, of passion and love and spice! And coffee, lots of coffee.
I was so happy all summer and fall long, and so much so that I am strangely afraid of the lows coming. I know that life is made of ups and downs, and that life is not always OH MY GOD ITS SO BEAUTIFUL, and that I should appreciate even the dark corners of my mind. I say this because I feel it now, I feel the lull, the pressure again, and the uncertainty is creeping in. Self confidence is a big part of feeling great about life, and I've owned it over the past few months, but after all of it now I am noticing the aloneness of the world and the retreat and hibernation of the winter is creeping in on me. I live to make people happy, and when others have received all of what I can give, a threshold of happiness, I begin to wonder what to do with myself. I believe I've received as equally as I've been giving, so it's not a question of now needing more love to level it out. It's more like aiming the love inward again and learning that I should feel just as great without an output ... loving myself should be enough. But is it? Is it wrong for me to want to keep giving and giving?