little surer

remember that everything you do, no matter how small, no matter how personal, is extremely important and deserves to be experienced.

in this very moment my insides are twisted and turned about what to create, or maybe rather how to create. how to sit myself down and start producing, for no one but myself, for pleasure, for pure learning and joy. I don’t remember what it feels like actually, so no wonder it’s so difficult to start. the highlight of my day lately has been getting dressed: putting together an outfit that feels artistic.

 
I think that maybe
I will be a little surer
Of being a little nearer.
That's all. Eternity
Is in the understanding
That the little is more than enough


R.S. Thomas


I had a really big feeling this morning of wanting to find work that involves many people, helping people, getting up to meet people. people people people. people are what I get up for, much more than art. but maybe I could change that? maybe once I do something artistic I can really get into my own flow, like when I went to the studio and painted oranges. … all I could think about was painting those oranges.

heart poetries

your edge accentuates your softness. the miracle in your tender cheek reveals truths so deep they are not even accessible by your own knowing. I will stand here as a mirror to remind you: you are Loving Presence, you are beautiful and magnificent; a peaceful warrior.

---

am feeling wanted,
but not chosen...
yet.

am feeling chosen,

but I do not want...

yet.

dance

dancing lights me up.

it cleans me, rings me out. I am fascinated by my body's quick responses, moving to rhythms both familiar and unfamiliar. am I my body more than my thoughts? when I dance I feel free, open, fierce, strong, beautiful, exotic. the best version of myself. I experience where the pain is, as much as where the joy is, and that is a necessary way to heal. 

how can I further this practise and make it even more intentional? how do I grow in my body, in strength, in wisdom, cultivate a more comprehensive language in movement? 

letter to a friend

a (long) note to a friend,

I wanted to have it here for safekeeping as it is a ramble about where I’m at right now.

—-

dear friend,

this is so exciting for you! glad to hear it’s calling you. more on Iboga in a minute. first you have to read the novel you inspired…. hehe.

since Peyote I have been super alert of my insides and my environment, while feeling absolutely normal and as if nothing happened (save the memory of it). it’s been imprinted in my being though, and am experiencing some small serendipities which is always a treat. those haven’t shown up in a really long time. I am definitely sensitive since, and the past couple of days were fucked. I started bleeding yesterday which explains a alot, but circumstances are exacerbating this sensitivity. Andrew’s dog died two days ago, she got hit by a truck. it happened shortly after I was at the field with her, exchanging some really special soft moments. it’s unreal; I pet her face and we stared into each others eyes so deeply and time stopped. thinking back on it, I think she was saying goodbye. I can’t believe how much grief I am feeling … I haven’t felt that since my childhood dog died when I was probably 12. I am finding out I loved her a lot, and I loved what she brought to our community and specifically for Andrew. so I have also been feeling grief for him as if he were me (all projections, surely). feeling much much better today, lighter, as we had a beautiful ceremony last night at the field for her where friends came and grieved together. her body was on an altar, surrounded by flowers and candles and sticks and balls. oh my heart. thinking about loss, about not having (and having), about the shortness of things and life itself. these thoughts and feelings are opening me up to the full breadth of my sadness, touching on the stuff that is deep deep down below, awakened on salt spring, the stuff that screams “this isn’t fair! this is frustrating!”
that little kid again.

and through it all I feel so much gratitude. I always knew grief would amplify my gratitude, and I always knew I’d grow so much as a human once it started trickling down into my life (as it is now, slowly more intense …) one small and silly, but pertinent event; a day or two after coming home from the ceremony I stumbled on a squirrel that had fallen from a tree, stuck in a specific curled posture on her back, and I couldn’t help but give her a proper acknowledgement and place her neatly by the trunk and place flowers there. no one in the world would care. there are millions of squirrels in that very instant that fell from a tree and died. were they all deserving of ceremony? does it matter that one of them was acknowledged? I thought of death in that moment, and of ceremony, and of all the things. and then here it is, the death of a Loved Creature, a small creature that had such a big impact on many lives that was here for such a short time. seeing Andrew so devastated, losing his one true devoted Lover … ergh. life is wicked.

anyway! all that and I am well today. managing to get some creation in. the weather is turning. it’s amplifying the solitude. felt into my frustration in relationship, with my moon happening, just wanting to be held and safe and loved but still feeling so much distance, physically and emotionally. this is annoyingly good for inspiration (once I get over the paralyzing emotions that stop me from doing anything), so I am welcoming all.

so about Iboga. I am really surprised with the answer I am receiving from my body. it’s been a no from the start, somehow, and the phone call with the lady confirmed it. I am one who has always chosen the mind altering, revolutionary, awaken-in-a-moment path no matter the discomfort, but since saying no to my sister’s cabin in the middle of fucking nowhere, I’ve realized I want a winter of solace, not solitude, and for solace I want comfort, and I want to allow myself to feel good and great and even maybe amazing in the place I rest. the thought of this Iboga journey makes my heart twitch: enough discomfort Lydia. the learning now is where I am, as who I am, not over there. my intention at our ceremony was to deepen into myself, root and love myself more and more. and I really understand that I don’t love myself enough to allow deliciousness. I never fully believe that I deserve to be comfortable. this winter I am allowing that river to flood in, so maybe my body can unclench and loosen up and heal ….. god damn!

yesterday I reorganized my entire house, which will guide me into eventually making art at home! major necessary step in believing I can solo it at home for hours at a time. it feels nice and cozy, I think you’ll like it.

thank you for bringing this novel out of me. it’s a grey (COLD!!) rainy day and I’ve already bled through my pants and I’m at my fave joint drinking coffee and I am so into it. thinking of you. wish I could be in ceremony with you on Gambier, it’s going to be so, so special. so much of me wants to go be with my best friends and share a mind-blowing experience. alas, this one will happen without me. very excited for you to continue deepening into your life mission, I really do think this medicine is right for you. please please go, come back and show me the way through your experience …

requests are important and necessary

realizing that there is a constant muting of requests in a relationship because I am afraid to be seen as “needy”; needing something from them. but requests may just be the answer to living a fulfilled life. if I don’t ask, how can I ever receive what I want? and why is it so wrong to get what I want? 

for so long I’ve believed that I wasn’t worthy of getting what I want. that it’s selfish to get a version of what my mind fantasizes about or hopes for. as if hopes and fantasies should only ever live in the mind, and asking for them to be real is shameful and disgusting. 

while getting to know someone in relationship, in the most vulnerable places, asking for specifics is terrifying. if I ask for attention that I don’t feel I’m getting, they will think I am too much. they’ll run away. they’ll say I’m just a burden, to be asking for something in return for what I’m “giving” them. I want to be done with these beliefs, I want to believe that it’s best for every party to hear requests, wants and needs. it would mean that what I want has value, that my thoughts and feelings matter, that I am a human having a human experience with emotions and sensations that are worthy of connecting over.

mmmm.

always no

saying goodbye. letting go. closing doors. saying no, over and over, for what I know to exist, for the feeling of health, wellbeing, sanity. perhaps I am too insane to find sanity though, thinking that there is such a thing out there that suits my needs. the thing is, I am totally willing to do the work, the right work, the work that is fulfilling and wonderful and loving and all encompassing. yeah, I want the boring stuff too, but in the growth of love I want it to be held by more moments of awe and romance than uncertainty and let down. are my expectations so high that I will always feel let down? am I asking too much of a lover?

aggression, love

what is it I don’t want to feel? is it actually serving me to repress those feelings? what if it’s no longer necessary to do so?

we actually maintain a practise, with great effort, of being aggressive toward who we find ourselves to be.

- from Already Free

today’s insights

there is a fear of loving intensely. as if the abrupt change is not normal. as if I should always remain in the same peaceful, equanimous state, unshakeable. if I express love and affection, I know that one day it must dissipate and change, and I’ll have to “shamefully” return to my previous state. but what if I welcomed and embraced the things I feel, the rollercoaster of emotions? so what if it “doesn’t work” and I am seen falling in and out of love constantly? so far, every person has been worth my energy and attention. every one teaches me. so what if I teeter, am happy, am sad? the human condition. fully feel, and fully move forward with the new experience, grow, release. I want to continue experimenting. to feel big, always. to expand.

how much could I expand? how much of my self am I not allowing to come through because I believe I must dull myself down to be loved? love because loving feels amazing. love what I have with delight, while also knowing I am totally fine without it simultaneously. I am always basically, fundamentally good. how do I make sure I thrive without leaning or needing anyone to keep me there? small acts every day can be rooted in unconditional love. I am the one who feels love. they don’t do anything to me that I don’t do to myself. so how do I continue to experience love, no matter who comes and goes?