Exhausting!

There's parts of myself I really, really enjoy getting to know while in love. And there's parts, darker parts, tucked away beneath layers and layers of emotion, that I can't stand about myself while in love.

But all of this is who I am, and I cannot neglect either.

With more responsibility, more obligation.
With more intensity, more resilience.

The pendulum swings both directions. It lifts and it idles in the middle, and then lifts back up again on the other side. Both sides bring ecstacy and anger, and both are what humans seek, right? We want the drama, we want the yin and yang, we want to feel alive with vibrant, deep, colourful, expressive emotion that takes us into journeys we never dreamed of (some we never thought we'd hate so much).

I'm learning to accept it all. Love it all. Love myself through it all.
It's the human experience ... what can I say. I'll never really figure it out!

Strange Connection

I can feel strings,
      connecting me to him.
The ligaments are sensitive,
      certainly at night.

Count those blessings!

I've been on a bout of counting my blessings. Being really, really grateful for what I have, instead of focusing on what's lacking. These are the times I feel healthiest -- when I can see the goodness, kindness, the generous people around me, the loving and kind-hearted souls who surround me every day. I have amazing friends, family, and an overwhelmingly loving partner-in-crime.

Also, most important of all: I am ABLE.

Today an older lady walked slowly towards the heavy door I propped open for her. I realized she wasn't in the right place. She was hesitant to come inside. Her cane taking the first step, she inched over and I asked her where she was headed. "Mr. McAllister's office, where do I find it?" I told her to come inside and have a seat while I figured it out. His office wasn't too far around the corner from our office, it turns out. She asked if there was parking in front closer to his office, and my coworker responded that she could just walk there, it wasn't too far. The lady let out a sigh of exhaustion, and perhaps a little annoyed, didn't reply but got up from her chair and walked toward the door. I opened the door once again and let her know she could drive out and around if she'd like to get closer, and she thanked me for the directions and the help.

This poor woman would have been walking around for days at the pace she was going. Her mobility was poor. She was going to see a physiotherapist, afterall. When she left I felt good knowing I'd helped her find her way a little bit quicker and easier. Then this rush of gratitude came over me: How lucky am I to be in this shape, in this body, capable of mobility, with this incredibly user-friendly interface? I can walk long distances, hell, I can even run if I want to! I can sit down and stand up without holding on to something (well unless my back goes out). I can twist, turn, bend -- backwards AND forewards -- jump, roll around, dance. Physically, I am in SHAPE! I can DO ANYTHING! I can train my maleable mind to work out intricate patterns, solve equations, make things happen, do great things! I have my entire life to do so ... or perhaps just these next few moments. In either case, I must appreciate everything that's been lent me, everything that I get to have right now for however long I have it!

You should count your blessings also.

A click of a button

DELETE.
UNDO.
These were never words tied to our youth. Nothing has ever been easier to throw away; disposable clothing, disposable devices of all sizes. What do we do now that emotions are creeping in? We were taught to push a button and everything would reset. Dreaming is what we're doing ... stuck in a mechanical lucid state, where 0s and 1s are the language of our sons, daughters, even some of our mothers, founders, powerful people who don't think they can make mistakes anymore, at the wheel of a most powerful spacecraft, one that saves our memories into an imaginary bank, but not the memory bank you used to call your imagination.
DELETE.
UNDO.
Can our hearts handle this without you?

Disbelief

Life hits you with incredibility, but with that intensity how are you to deal with insanity? Intelligent as you are, you'll have to find a way to stop thinking about it all, urgently and sporadically try and fix it all. Intelligence will do you no good; the heart has its own vision which may be misunderstood by the careless mind, the mind you find so well rounded, confined to ideals you've been brought up to define in a way so measured, so carefully pressured, steamed at the right temperature, cooked to perfection so you could handle these kinds of situations.

Are you ready to let go of all of it? Will disbelief -- removal from your deepest beliefs -- be the only way out of it?

I LOVE

CLOUDS.

...!!!!

They make me super happy. Actually, not only happy, but they instill a feeling that is either calming, soothing and uplifting, or sometimes doomy, gloomy and dark. Either way, it is good to feel whatever it is nature is showing you! It is usually a mirror image, a reflection, of what's going on internally. It's interesting that the outside world will only be as beautiful to you as you feel inside. If it's an amazingly sunny day, the air is warm and soft while you feel depressed or down, you will see none of it whatsoever.

As if your First

What an amazing poem ... or whatever you'd call these ramblings
(does poetry have to be a certain structure? naa)

By Steve Sauve

I almost died last year
spent over three months in the hospital
in which time they had to repair my heart twice
it was by far the most horrible
experience of my life
some of my fellow poets have been urging me
to write a poem capturing these events
a serious piece about mortality
but I dont want to write a poem that
brings everybody down
see, the reason most of my poems are comedic
is not that it's all i'm capapble of writing
it's that I want to use my time on stage to uplift people
If you walk out of here with a smile
then I feel like, in some tiny way,
I've improved the quality of your life
and that means more to me
than winning some competition ever could
so if I'm going to write a serious poem
it's sure as fuck not going to be about pain and suffering

Know what tomorrow is?
tomorrow is the one year anniversary of
the day I got out of the hospital
they may have carried me in on a stretcher
but I walked out on my own two goddamn feet
stronger and wiser from the experience

I've heard it said that you should live your life
as if each day might be your last
what the fuck kind of morbid bullshit is that?
Now, I've got a two foot scar down the middle of my chest
that says I probably know more about these matters than you
So take it from me:
The secret of life is to live every day
as if it were your first

When every day is your first
you free yourself from all the cynicism you've built up over the years
You allow yourself to see beauty in all its forms
And trust me, it's fucking everywhere
from the hurried commuter pausing to hold a door open for a stranger
to the room full of people who spent ten dollars
on a friday night to see a poetry show
that's beautiful

Every day
I awake to the sun hitting my face for the first time
I breathe my first breath and it's intoxicating
Every day
I walk out into a world where no one has ever judged me
I look up at the sky and remember how
fascinating the clouds are
And every day
Someone will be the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen

When every day is your first
love has never let you down
you've never been rejected or abused
and you realized that love has got to be
the most ridiculous fucking thing to be
afraid of that there is

I'm not afraid anymore
death tried to take me and I kicked its ass
I'll be damned if love is gonna finish me off

Once you allow yourself to love and be loved
to love who you are 'cause (heh we've already covered this)
you're all beautiful
It's like flipping a switch:
everything changes instantly
it changes from a matter of "if" to a matter of time

See love is a commodity that's in constant demand
and there's an infinite supply
all you've gotta do is learn how to manage it

I'm sure to some of you this sounds like preachy nonsense
that you'll immediately dismiss:
"oh shit, Steve's gone all new agey on us"
but if you take nothing else away from this poem
Then at least take this:
Don't run from love
and smile
you're so beautiful when you smile