Woah! Cool thing.

I'm at the office. My co-worker Matt is playing this great song "Mad World" by Gary Jules. I loveee this song! He played it about 3 or 4 times on repeat until he finally got sick of playing it. About 5 minutes later, I hear the song come on. But this time, it's not coming from Matt's computer ... it's coming from the radio! The station we have on at work played the same song 5 minutes after he had it on repeat. This station has NEVER played that song before. And I would have known because I love it! I turned around to look at Matt, he looked at me, we both went "HUUUUH?!!!" and couldn't believe our ears.

We're still a little shaken. In a great way! Very cool.

I just said goodbye to my closest friend. My dearest friend. He was so close to my heart, and although I knew this already it always hits you much harder once they leave you. I won't even repeat the saying, cause we all know how it is.

I cried so much; I cried on the bus ride to work, and on the walk here, and at work too ... I couldn't help myself. I'm not a cryer, not at all. My body and mind hurt because of thinking back on it too much. This probably won't fade away too soon.

I dislike pity. It's a horrible emotion to be beamed. When something like this happens you just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry all alone for a couple hours, but I didn't get to do that. Instead I got to publicly display it to everyone commuting back home this afternoon. First time I've ever not been able to hold it in.

He taught me so much. I thank him for so many things I've learned throughout our year and a half long relationship. He was the one person who you could sit with and not say a word, all the while still knowing exactly what the other person's feeling. I never had to explain myself, nor did I have to hold back when I wanted to say what was on my mind. It was a clear channel, an unconditional kind of love that is irreplaceable. Unique in every way, our connection was stronger than I've ever known one to be. He's involved with a wonderful lady, and I'm happy he left room in his heart for me too.

Feels like if you stop thinking about someone you love so much, you're betraying them. Forgetting that you're sad stops feeding the ego, stops feeding emotion, stops perpetuating the harsh truth that is the fact that you are alone now. Sure, I could accept it and move on. But I don't want to. As a human being, I want to experience being torn apart by his leaving. Selfish, really, but flattering for him in a way. I know he wouldn't want me to be upset though. I don't blame him one bit, but I'm going to hold on to this for a while until my soul's fed on it enough. This is the side of me I keep hidden at all times. Emotional, Lydia? Yeah right, as if I could hide it from everyone. I try really hard but they still all know that I'm probably the most emotional person they've ever met ... I just don't show it all too well.

Anyway, enough ranting. I love you, Jason Donaldson! Miss you already.

Let go of consequence.
Live more in the moment.
Do not care what others think.
Always say what's on your mind.
Be more present and aware.
Never have any expectations.
Love all human beings.
Love all things non-human.
Love yourself entirely.

Should you fail to pilot your own ship, don't be surprised at what inappropriate port you find yourself docked.

For the love of idioms!!

It never rains, but it pours.

Synchronicity, repetition and blatent attention grabbers are back and stronger than ever today. This morning at breakfast with my parents we had one of our usual discussions. In this case, this was about my sister who had just gotten a job and then got another call from the restaurant we were at for an interview. I said "Well, we all know what they say, it never rains, but it pours!" I went home after food, and decided to watch one of my favorite movies (teehee) Gone in Sixty Seconds -- my jaw dropped when I heard one of the characters say that exact same line. About an hour ago -- now I'm sitting at work -- my boss says "It's been so quiet here today! Hope your night isn't too slow!" And then I automatically told her that it'd automatically get busy since she "jinxed" it. Oddly (or not-so-oddly) enough, a customer walked in about 2 seconds later. In poured the customers, after there were none for a long, long time. There it was again.

Lots of little things like that today, too many to retell. Perhaps I'll start my day off with an idiom and let it make my day unfold a specific way!

"you my friend

are a renaissance woman in a time when peoples true passions and talents are choked out by the monetary structure that we live within

and for that, I sympathize"

I get up in the morning and go to work. These days it doesn't bother me because my outlook on life is at a stage where interacting with the world is a splendid thing. It's all in the way you see it, isn't it? Somedays are harder to adjust to than others, of course, but lately it's been easy. One thing this new-found cold weather is good at is slapping you in the face with your own reality. You run into it like you would a seethrough glass door. The air you're breathing in refreshes and rejuvinates your innards. Your skin tightens up and for a rare magical moment you're aware of your own bodily limitations, of the biggest organ that you inhabit, that keeps the physical and not-so-physical parts of you from spilling all over the place. It shakes your perception and lets you be a mere bystander, as you examine yourself more closely, as you try to obliviate your senses from the cold.