Heading south with blinders on

Learning to let go. Learning to remind myself that life is the way it is and I must go with it, planning as much as I can with what I have, but making sure not to over-focus and be driven by one path with blinders on. The possibilities are endless, and life will hand you want you want, but only if you're open to every method of receiving. I was also reminded by a friend that perhaps "life" or "the universe" -- or whatever it is you want to call it -- hands you everything you ask for, whether it be good or bad. When you say, "I really don't want to work here anymore, I'm so sick of it!" you're most likely gonna get more shitty work you don't enjoy, and more sickness coming your way. Rather, you should exclaim "I would love to work for myself!" without the whole "but I can't because I work here and I'll never get out of it, I'm so stuck".

Anyway, the same old stuff, you know? Sometimes I am reminded of a state of mind I held in the past, and it was overridden with new ways of thinking or just more crap from life being heavy sometimes. My reminder now is 'Think of what you can do with what you have now and ask for what you want and you shall receive it'. Another reminder was self-love and respect. 'If you love yourself fully, others will love you for being honest and true, and perhaps will love themselves more in return.'

End this post with a Walden quote which struck what I've been epiphanizing (?!) :

"If we respected only what is inevitable and has a right to be, music and poetry would resound along the streets. When we are unhurried and wise, we perceive that only great and worthy things have any permanent and absolute existence, that petty fears and petty pleasures are but the shadow of the reality."

In the waking hours

"The morning, which is the most memorable season of the day, is the awakening hour. Then there is least somnolence in us and for an hour, at least, some part of us awakes which slumbers all the rest of the day and night. Little is to be expected of that day, if it can be called a day, to which we are not awakened by our Genius, but by the mechanical nudgings of some servitor, are not awakned by our own newly acquired force and aspirations from within, accompanied by the undulations of celestial music, instead of factory bells, and a fragrance filling the air -- to a higher life than we fell asleep from; and thus the darkness bear its fruit, and prove itself to be good, no less than the light. A man who does not believe that each day contains an earlier, more sacred, and auroral hour than he has yet profaned has despaired of life, and is pursuing a descending and darkening way." - Henry David Thoreau

Yes, Henry, yes.

Nonsense and exhaustion

It's all about being here, right now. Not forgetting to breathe deeply into who you are in this very moment. We all get so preoccupied trying to get somewhere, making goals, striving for bigger and better things. In the midst of it all, I personally get so ungrounded and shut off from my current situation, I forget to appreciate what I'm up to right now. Most of the time, what I'm doing is what I want to be doing, like being with close friends, family, doing something that is relaxing, having fun playing a sport or doing art or making delicious food. I am so lucky -- so fortunate -- to have access to all of this. What's wrong with what I'm doing? Absolutely nothing. But sometimes pressure builds up inside of me, a need to go farther and beyond what I've accomplished, and think of a way to be bigger and better than what I am now. I want to be "more professional", "more proficient", "more productive". I understand this is healthy to a point -- becoming what you ultimately see yourself being -- but then it just gets stressful.

and SO EXHAUSTING!

I'm taking the time to listen to my thoughts, watch them float by, and stop judging my actions. I want to be content, be happy with every move. Every step I take is beneficial. I don't think there's any real destination in life, which makes it more difficult for my brain to interpret why I'm even here doing what I'm doing, but it also relieves me of the constant pressure from the outside world telling me I should be doing more, better, something else, something someone else wants me to do. Hell even writing this out I'm filtering my thoughts and wondering if the words I'm choosing are good enough to convey what I'm actually thinking; which was filtered in the first place so I guess not.

Thank goodness no one really reads this.
Makes no sense today.

Waddle waddle

I saw a little lady duck walking around the parkade entrance to one of the hotels on Humboldt while walking to the bus. She looked quite lost ... if I wasn't rushed I would have found a way to help her get back home! So adorable -- though kind of sad to see her astray. How'd she get there? What's her story? Was she following someone? Some other duck? Her life companion? Now she may have lost him forever! Oh sadness. I will pretend that she chose to visit the hotel for a stroll in the city, and was just waiting outside in the rain because she loves this weather.

Mundane erks

Feeling uneasy or anxious for no reason. What is that? Like my pores are sensitive, open and irritated and almost wounded. Everything that comes into contact erks, hurts, bothers; it's lonesome. It makes me retreat. Within my mind is a complete different circus than out in the mundane world. Oh yes, my mind is going, going, gone. It feels good when someone else is feeling grounded and secure around me; reassures me and reminds me that...

life is good.

Furniture of Your Mind

"...Why should not our furniture be as simple as the Arab's or the Indian's? When I think of the benefactors of the race, whom we have apotheosized as messengers from heaven, bearers of divine gifts to man, I do not see in my mind any retinue at their heels, any carload of fashionable furniture." "At present our houses are cluttered and defiled with it, and a good housewife would sweep out the greater part into the dust hole, and not leave her morning's work undone. Morning work! By the blushes of Aurora and the music of Memnon, what should be man's morning work in this world? I had three pieces of limestone on my desk, but I was terrified to find that they required to be dusted daily, when the furniture of my mind was all undusted still, and I threw them out the window in disgust. How, then, could I have a furnished house? I would rather sit in the open air, for no dust gathers on the grass, unless where man has broken ground."

- an exerpt from Walden
by Henry David Thoreau

Think about it tomorrow

This is what I overheard today and wanted to "comment" on it (on this here little blog that no one sees, just to satisfy myself and answer my own questions).

Guess I don't have to think about it until the day it happens.  

This kind of mentality, a "live in the moment" kind of thought process, seems to limit us when the future arrives. Don't we want to be prepared? Isn't this why we live in linear time, so we can anticipate and make plans? It's a huge gift we have to even process future dated information, so why not put it to use? I find the "live in the moment" type of philosophy is a good one in moderation. I want to focus in on what I'm doing right now, how much energy I'm putting into my current actions, but I also want to use forward thinking to make these current actions even more productive and worthwhile, so if anything happens later on I'm ready to handle it in THAT moment. One moment builds on top of the other, and moments gather to creative time. So, if you want to live well, take care of every single moment, every one of them from this one to the next to the one 10 years from now.