Future of Alone

After a very good visit with mom for her birthday, I am left with some good advice. You know, I haven't really listened to my mom this way in a long time. I think I've stopped listening to her advice, because it's always contradictory to what I want to be doing. If I have a positive idea, she will caution me of the side effects. If I have a negative view, she will remind me that there's hope on the other side. She's always playing devil's advocate, and really, she's the reason I have - what I believe to be - a good moral compass, and a non-judgemental approach to the world (albeit perhaps slightly skewed towards skepticism).  In this situation, when I told her I was afraid of losing those I have held dear when I make my next life move, she said I was worrying for nothing. 

I have been afraid of ending up alone. Alone here. Alone there. Wherever it is that I go, I fear losing the people that fill me with joy and intrigue, finding myself deserted or, worse, stuck living amongst people that don't inspire me or don't see life the way I do. Mom reminded me that no matter where I go, there's always people. It's actually quite hard to escape humans.  At the beginning of the pandemic, just having returned from my three month travels down south, I thought for sure I was doomed to loneliness. A pandemic, locked at home with nowhere to go, meant it would be hopeless to meet anyone new, let alone to live a life filled with human connection. I was devastated, but I managed. Once coming to terms with a bad hand, I figured I'd really get into it and just live the best life I could within these shitty circumstances. There was a short period of time where I learned to live well without much contact with the outside world. But it didn't take long before I found myself surrounded by interesting new people, quickly becoming good friends. New kinds of friends, personalities I could never have imagined by my side. Somehow, during a very isolating time, a new core group of friends emerged. These people now inspire me, push me, love me, challenge me, and I want to give them my whole heart, help them, listen deeply, understand them, and hold them during challenging times. I could never have anticipated this, let alone crafted this on my own; there had to be a whole universe conspiring for me.

So this brings me back to the fear of "being alone" in the future. Or being surrounded by those I don't resonate with. My past can only contradict these unfounded fears. I am more powerful than I give myself credit for. If I want something, I can get it, and I don't necessarily have to know how I'll end up getting what I want. I am starting to believe more and more in the trusting of unfolding. Maybe some will come and go. Maybe I will be alone for a time. Maybe I will end up alone for a lifetime. But how do I know what I'll feel like in my new life? Who says I wouldn't be overjoyed to be alone? What's so bad about being alone anyway? What if I have been preparing to enter this next phase of life, where I cocreate with the quiet stillness of nature rather than with humans? What if I am capable of so much more than I ever thought possible, with my own two hands, without depending on anyone else ... capable of crafting a more beautiful world my heart knows is possible, so that others may enter when they are there to enter, not because I demand them to be here?

Not sure what the future holds. Not sure what I want it to hold. 

But I don't want to let fear of aloneness stop any of it.

Mom says she loves being alone. Could I grow to be more like my mother as I grow older?