The leaf

Consistency.

That is a word that does not reflect my reality at the moment. Every day is different. I've not experienced this before, it's a whole new level of dissatisfaction. I am not usually one to hold on to things so hard, although people are impossible to let go of, and this style of placement has never happened to me before. I've never been pushed aside by someone; I was always the one who did the pushing. Welcome to the other side, Lydia.

Which choice will bring me the most clarity and well-being? What must I do to move forward and come back to my happy-go-lucky, everything-will-work-out personality? I live in two worlds now. One, which is dull, flatlined, in which I have no drive for personal goals and aspirations. The other, a fast-paced, enlivening world, one that takes me over and puts me into drive, lets me be the lover, a compassionate and bright being who connects with others.

I must say that the first is here most often. I also seem to switch between the two if I am alone and if I am around others, although the first can still remain around others depending on my mood, depending on external events. If they're big enough to bring my mind away from this current situation, it helps.

I feel like an empty shell. When I awake. When I go to sleep. In between. I feel like I put on a Lydia suit, and try to remind myself of who I was, of who I've always wanted to be which is the shiny bright human. I don't like basking in this vat of uncertainty. It kills my spirit. I understand now how "he" must have felt, constant unknown, was I to stay or was I to go? I'm so sorry.

Part of me laughs at this, at me, for finding this to be such a big issue. How have I allowed another to depict what I become? Am I not in control of myself? Is it ridiculous of me to think I could have that control at all? This must be another facet of life, this must be living inside a body, with all of the emotions and the ruckus constantly happening. With opening up to emotion comes being affected more often, and I seem to have burst the lid.

"You've got to walk that lonesome valley, you've got to walk there by yourself, there's no one here to go there with you, you've got to walk there by yourself."