As I grow older, I hear my body speak more loudly. It tells me what it needs. Lately, it's about rhythm. About taking time for myself. About knowing my boundaries and limitations physically and mentally, where to put my energy so that I can come back to myself quickly when depleted. The ebbs and flows of energy are becoming more apparent; I can see them coming from farther away.
I have always had a fear of missing out. FOMO has been a reality for me. I suppose I never thought I would live this long; when I was a teenager I couldn't see past my twenties. So, everything was urgent. Do it now, or do it never. As I am gifted day after day I realize there is so much time to get it all accomplished, to do all the things. I can afford to miss out on what seems to be the most important thing in the world.
Don't get me wrong.
I know death is near.
It is so much more near than we like to think - if at all.
Perhaps the greatest gift I can give myself through this time in life is not to rush through it, not to be everywhere at once. Where I am now is sufficient, it is even the best, because wherever I am right now is where I'm supposed to be. I am learning to stop wishing I was elsewhere. Learning that there is no other time or place but the here and now. Not in a fluffy spiritual way; in a REAL way. In a way that yes, if I have my two feet planted firmly on this ground where I stand, this must be the best place. It must be, for I make it the best place. In the end, it does not matter where I stood, but that I stood firmly, strongly, and with full dignity. Knowing I deserve to be here, to take up this space and time. And if there are a few things I didn't do, a few places I didn't go, I will not think back on these things that did not exist. Rather, I will look back on where I was and what I did do, looking for the moments I most felt happiness and love.
I have gone through heavy waves these past few weeks. A lot of intensity all around, even the quiet being intense. I am now needing to slow right down and stay put, for I've exhausted my heart and mind to a point which makes me lose connection to the outside world. I have caved in because I put too much load on. I am learning. Taking notes. Listening. Summer time is exciting, invigorating and stimulating, but I overdo it with my child's mind thinking it will not last or will never come again. Rather, I shall remind myself that this moment will never happen again. This will be - is - a full life.
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