Filtering the soot

Everything I talk about tends to be pretty positive. Pretty happy. I just wrote two poems in a real quick manner (see below) that took about 2 minutes to write each. Seems that things that spill out of my quill are rather dark compared to my outlook on life. It's almost the other side of me that's needing to say something, reminding me that there's two sides to one coin -- two sides to my own -- and this ain't too bad of a thing. It's almost like a filter, these letters, just so it doesn't have to seep through my language with others. I'd rather keep that shit on paper.

A Falling Out

my heart!
     it's bursting with joy,
with happiness,
with heaviness,
the right kind of heaviness,
the one that carries
carries burdens and worries
far away into the distance
so you feel em but they're
not touchable, not so
real anymore.

my heart!
     it's bursting with care,
with understanding,
even from despair, cause pairing
never seemed less fitting,
in a place where being alone
is necessary in understanding
the way of the world,
of ourselves, of each other
come together for a moment,
any longer and we could fall out,
you know,
fall out of each other...
isn't that the way we were
brought up, all we know
is the disorder created
from loving another?

Unbuckle your Seatbelt

stuff needs spewing
guts are exploding
happiness, insanity
resting still unsurely
of the volume
we speak
do we cause any
disturbance
destruction leading to rebuild
the civilizations we live in
unnoticed, unworried, blissfully
unsorted,
understood
though
that blissful ignorance
could lead to less desirable results
lest we do it anyway
keep repeating the same habits
sensations, emotions,
stuff running through the veins
just spill it, spew it already
who knows what
cleaning agents the blood can carry
rinse, lather, repeat in that order
and then you can come back
to a state of no bother.


Felt like writing a little blurb. When I write poetry I don't really think of the  words coming out, whether they make sense or not. I think this one kind of ended up making sense though! I like it.

OMG LYFE

The end of the summer was a real high for me. I came out of myself, I became extremely social and made so many new wonderful connections. Saw so much music, immersed myself in art, danced, and wandered in the night. It's almost like my inner child came out and taught my adult self important lessons. There are so many people in my life I'm thankful for, some of them not even knowing for very long but already having a strong bond, an instant connection. Life has been full of substance, of passion and love and spice! And coffee, lots of coffee.

I was so happy all summer and fall long, and so much so that I am strangely afraid of the lows coming. I know that life is made of ups and downs, and that life is not always OH MY GOD ITS SO BEAUTIFUL, and that I should appreciate even the dark corners of my mind. I say this because I feel it now, I feel the lull, the pressure again, and the uncertainty is creeping in. Self confidence is a big part of feeling great about life, and I've owned it over the past few months, but after all of it now I am noticing the aloneness of the world and the retreat and hibernation of the winter is creeping in on me. I live to make people happy, and when others have received all of what I can give, a threshold of happiness, I begin to wonder what to do with myself. I believe I've received as equally as I've been giving, so it's not a question of now needing more love to level it out. It's more like aiming the love inward again and learning that I should feel just as great without an output ... loving myself should be enough.  But is it? Is it wrong for me to want to keep giving and giving?

Insurance Friends

One of the most amazing things ever is meeting awesome people through my work. And THEN! Not only do I meet them here and think they're awesome, but I run into them out and about and they recognize me as their insurance agent and they had a really pleasant experience with me. And THEN! We start to cross paths all the time and become real friends!

The insurance biz ain't so bad.

Time & Patience

Time is exponentially increasing in speed. It's nuts. It's ridiculous! And also sort of exciting. Things are happening around us so fast we barely have time to graze them, let alone catch 'em and hold 'em. Everyone is in the same boat, it's happening to all of us, whether we're 25 years old or 60. Hey, at least we can all relate to time now, and not just the weather.

What makes time feel so fast? What's different today than was 10 or 15 years ago? I'm thinking maybe technology, and the increasingly high demands on the human being. The way we live today asks us to do everything at once, or else we can't keep up with growth and evolution of the company, or of the family, or even of the human race! Multi-tasking is risking a huge loss in focus and concentration. The best thing we could probably do for ourselves is learn how to shut off everything around us while working on one task. Sure, we may think that we're really, really good at speaking on the phone and driving and thinking of lunch all at the same time, but are we actually fully present in these circumstances? Me thinks not. And my theory is that if we took a step back from all of this stuff, we might experience time slowing down once again. Instant gratification, wanting everything right now -- and getting it, thanks to the internet and iphones and all this -- makes us so impatient, so easily unnerved and anxious! Patience, the understanding and acceptance of a lengthy amount of time between two tasks (or, by dictionary.com's terms: an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay) is a virtue not many embody today. Maybe meditation practise should be incorporated into the schooling system so that the new generation grows up with the patience most of us lack.

Anyway, time is fucked up.

That is all.

In the Fog

Thick with foreboding energy, creating a security blanket around the city before new times set in, the fog prepares us for autumn. I don't remember last year being this foggy, but I sure do love the vibe it creates. It's almost like a stillness, a quiet, comforting density that hugs us tightly before releasing us into the future. When I can't see very far in front of me I focus on my footsteps, and on the little details around me. There is no need to think too far ahead -- if I can't see it, there is no reason. It reminds me to let go, and trust that I always instinctively know where I'm going. There is nothing wrong with being where I am at this moment. Knowing that I do not know everything (and that I do not need to know) gives me a sense of ultimate freedom.