On trusting myself

Yesterday my thoughts charmed me into wanting to do the opposite of what I am instinctively drawn to do. So far I have found that - if I tally in some strange way - when I am drawn to, say, an impulse such as going in the direction of an attractive man (whom in that one moment I have made into my future lover), it mostly turns out not "working out". They aren't attracted to me equally. I am not interested in them afterall. They are unavailable. They are this. They are that. I thought perhaps I should let go of such nonsense and change direction completely when I am under that influence. Yet today I realize that everything that is seemingly "unfruitful" - in the way that it was unsuccessful for partnership - has led me to the insights I am now blessed to be having. I have had the most beautiful spiritual openings the past two days, after a hard crash of the ego self from feeling rejection by someone who I was hopeful about, someone who sent my senses for a spin and made my thoughts go to the future. It was a brief encounter, and I managed to build a whole world around him (no wonder I went crashing).

So I thought: I must never crash again! What uselessness to involve myself so deeply in projections of the future with a man whom I don't know! 

But might this be the wrong way to think? What if I love these circumstances more than getting to settle and getting what I imagined? What if my growth is relative to the amount of fear I experience? It is scary to embark on quests such as romance, either with a complete stranger or with a friend I have known for years. Ultimately, they all lead to the same place: here.

What I am unsure of is what I "should" or "should not" be following. My instincts, my guts, my inner voice, my wisdom, this stuff that drags me to one direction or another, that allows me to choose, are unruly and untamed. Morals have a slight say in which is preferable,  but naturally I will act on a personal code that gets me what I think I want. Now, what is to say that one event is more or less successful than another? How can I rate my success of having listened to my inner chatter or my heartbeat in hindsight when everything has lined up perfectly to this moment? Who am I to say that being here is not as good as being there? Walking does not require careful examination and choice of every step, and yet we end up at the grocery store to buy the necessities. Does choosing the next move really depend on weighing options so diligently and carefully so as to not go in the wrong direction? What if there is no such thing as the wrong direction?

So many questions this morning. I haven't questioned in a while, not really. I mean, there are always questions, but not ones that shake my foundation and the way that I live my life. This one might be one of those.