Fuzzy

I'm going to begin with why.

Why has the magic of my youth faded away?
Why does the magic slowly fade, like a distant memory, like a lucid dream I swear could have been reality?
Why does my mind so drastically shift as I grow into adulthood (am I there yet)?
Why must the years erode my love for wonder,  my faith in the unknown, my trust in another?

Why why why? So many Whys.

It's like my surroundings solidify as I grow up. They're kind of transparent throughout my childhood, and become fuzzy as a young teenager, and for a while it seems I can shift and control that fuzziness and make it do whatever I want. I can enter it with my mind and my insides, I can blend in with the fuzzy and take a ride on the fuzzy waves.  But then I reach a point where it's all solid, suddenly, changing states from gaseous to liquid to solid in just a few years. The more dense the matter around me becomes, the more dense time becomes; it's more real, it takes more control over my life, and I have a hard time avoiding it. Time was spacious when I was growing up, and now it is this dense, solid, ticking-tocking sound, that guides me through my days.

Believing in the incredible has now become work. INCREDIBLE: Where our beliefs are suspended for a moment. Suspending the mind's understanding to give way to the heart and soul's understanding of the world. Believing in this unbelievable, in the incredible, brings about more mystery in my life, more unexplainable events. If I am aware of one mystery, I start to climb the ladder to the higher mysteries of life.

But no, I should not dare go up that ladder anymore. I may lose sight of the solid ground below my feet, my concrete goals, my vision for the grand scheme of my life!

There has to be a way to hold on to this solid while swimming in the current of the spacious particles. There has to be.