Two Alarms

Today, I had to start twice.

The first was early, around 6am (it's Saturday), from a bad dream. In this dream, I thought I was prepared for anything - in real life, there is a COVID-19 pandemic having us all question our self-sufficiency - and then I stood and watched as the ocean welled up and waves came crashing down on the building I was in. I was terrified, and didn't know what to do. So, as you can imagine, I awoke frightened and feeling uneasy.

I sat to meditate. My head was hot, and I kept dozing into some weird in between state. It wasn't comfortable. I felt tired and unmotivated. I looked around my room, wondering what I'd do with my day. Nothing came to mind. There was nothing my body wanted to get up to do. I thought today might be one of these robotic, neutral days where I feel nothing. Yep, they happen sometimes. I smiled to myself thinking, "I know what will solve this boredom!" and put on an episode of one of my favourite shows. Nope. That didn't work either. I resisted my body's need to stop until 10am.

The moment I let go, the moment I gave into nothingness and felt the blankets on the contour of my body, my whole system relaxed. I laid for half an hour, all I needed to re-awaken refreshed and happy to be alive. I got out of bed and put on some classical music. I made breakfast, reeeeeally slowly. I got dressed. I wrote a birthday card. And it wasn't even noon.

How often I force myself out of bed mindlessly, witnessing my body and mind struggle, when I could stop and listen.

Charles Eisenstein touches on this well: "I am not saying that it is bad to do. I am saying that there is a time to do, and a time not to do, and that when we are slave to the habit of doing we are unable to distinguish between them. The time to do is when you know what to do. When you don't know what to do, and act anyway, you are probably acting out of habit." ... "Where does the wisdom to act in entirely new ways come from? It comes from nowhere, from the void; it comes from inaction."

Security and Adventure

"... it is not a problem that you solve,
it is a paradox that you manage."

- Esther Perell on reconciling two opposing forces - security and adventure - a tension so necessary in modern desire.

The point is now

Follow the breath
in every moment
every point . . . .
infinite points.
It is a magnifying glass
to this. this. th—
The moment your mind
has rooooom for a word
it has been thrown
away into the future.

Make you smile

To make you smile;
All I ever wanted.
Simple enough.
Must it be so complicated?
Complicated!
An understatement.
To make you smile;
All I ever wanted.
All I should ever want.
Simple enough.
Must I keep asking for more?
To make you smile;
Complicated!
All I should ever want.
Simple enough.
Complicated.
Smile!
Simple.

Creating Through Time

Exploring inner dialogue through outer expression.
What feels good to me, what feels natural.
What I put down and feel resonates for now,
for a long time,
or never really did.

Building a library of my own public works through time. Eventually, there will be enough of them that they all have a similar substance, that one might relate them all to each other. And if this is not echoed outwardly - no matter what - they will have retained my signature. They will have been drawn by the same hand, sourced by the same human being! That is enough to be proud of and call a lifetime of achievement.

Is it not?

torment of love

It is hard to rid ourselves of their love. They torment us from within, from without. Any little thing will set us off, in a moment when we least expect it, when we really didn't invite it but it crept up anyhow. Unsure how. Or why. Why it happened that way, why it showed up out of nowhere, a memory ignited by fragrance or arrangement, by the lack of something or the presence of something. The only thing that'll pack the ghost away is time, and it is not on our side. We must wait so very patiently, so very tortured minute to minute, waiting for the next apparition to inevitably arrive and for our heartaches to subside.

Someone is playing a cruel joke on us. We are kept in the infinity symbol of time, which begins and ends with love. We are brought into the world to experience the truest of joys, the truest of sorrows. Round and round we will go, repeating mistakes, seeing ghosts of lovers past, digging up old bodies from the closet, setting our hearts on fire, walking on egg shells, shattering on impact, melting into nothingness, escaping from the crowds. The darkest of our days will be illuminated once again if we trust the joker's cycle. If we hop along for the ride and laugh at our misfortunes. Do we not long for the torment of love? Are we not masochists, waiting to be destroyed by our insatiable hunger? Do we not want to taste the sweet, sweet fruit of desire, knowing full well the Dark Queen is seducing us?

In Service

Contentment is an empty container. It's the empty cup that is available for filling.

When I'm not constantly worried about how I'm feeling inside, when I'm not constantly tuned inward, it gives me the room to see. The room to see others, to see and interact with my environment, to appreciate and get inspired by simple things. It feels good not to feel heavy, not to have burden.

In these moments I am ready for something bigger. My work will take me to places I don't know yet, and I am ready for that. I am ready to embark on a larger mission, in service of something greater than myself, in which I can feel a surrender and give up my illusion of control.

I feel called to learn about my environment, about the way of things. With this kind of knowledge I can better focus my efforts, understanding what keeps this world in balance, what keeps the natural world thriving. So, I will start consciously keeping an ear out for this information. Connect with humans who know more than me, who can show me the way. Perhaps in time, I can use my art to teach others what I've learned.