sacred body 2

SACRED BODY

the body -- 

holding so much; hidden away, tucked

just below the surface of the skin,

holding -- 

all of us together, every layer of this body:

emotional, spiritual, physical,

past losses and fears,

future dreams and longings, 

ambiguous whispers from the outside … 

the traumatic, painful events

this body has endured! 

has held --

nudging, showing, telling us,

whispering the truth through our senses

so we may release our tiresome grip, 

and heal -- 

still, we misinterpret this graceful temple,

this majestic guide, the source of our wisdom,

and scapegoat these sensitivities,

blame this body as the root cause

of our self-inflicted, story stricken

mindful suffering --

SCARED BODY

SCARRED BODY

… SACRED BODY.

slithering through

rest, 

until you are awakened 

by the mundane; 

slow down, stop! 

until the soft creature 

below your bones 

slithers through 

and upwards, 

pumping the heart with 

tenacity, 

engagement

and vigor, 

suddenly longing to reach, 

aching for action, 

naturally ready 

to start loving, 

embracing, 

creating.

breaking on the shore

hello, lover ...

what gift are you bestowing upon me?

I will not know until I can look back

and string together the events that tied us

karmically, entangled, irrational, 

decisions made based on instinct and longing,

biology and curiosity.

we both knew it wouldn't continue,

but against our better judgement

we rode the swells, the tides,

until we hit the shores

dispersing, releasing, settling

back to where we came from

waved at each other, saying goodbye

without words; only a nod, a trance

broken by nature, by what's pulling us next

by the past that lingered, by promises we could not make.

we broke on the shore, so time may do its work:

spread us deep into the earth's table,

trickling through for purification, hitting the bottom,

shooting back up, to be renewed, beginning, again.

hello, stranger ...

I shall suffer gladly

time only seems to make it harder.

here I thought (but I knew better inside) that time would let me forget about you. it would smooth out the harsh points, the peaks and the valleys, it would keep the emotional rollercoaster at bay, seeing it from so far away that I couldn't ever get on the ride. alas; I watched it getting closer and closer until the seat was under me and I was taken away to those unsettled places in myself that long for your company. I realize more and more the truth of your absence, that it is true indeed that you will not return... not never, but indeed for a very long time, until I have finally turned the page and replaced your quirks with those of others, tucked away the memory of your smile pointing up on each side or the way it feels when you come and hug me with one arm as I putter in the kitchen. this writing is keeping you even more alive than I'd like, but I can't help myself this morning. 

because doesn't longing feel amazing? isn't it why we bask in memory, in fondness of another? the memories are sometimes even sweeter than reality. reality, the truth, was that we didn't know each other yet, that we treaded lightly, that we knew we weren't going to go the distance so we had our fun and left it at that. even if there were big feelings under it all, we knew they wouldn't be allowed access once you moved further and further beyond the point of no return.

and I knew that it would all happen this way.

I knew time would make it harder. I knew I would eventually long for more. I knew the struggle would be real, it would be deep, and it would teach me more about myself. that's why I said yes to the suffering (I mean, I'm not suffering, I'm not in pain, but you know what I'm talking about: the emotional heaviness, the mental gymnastics, the stolen presence that comes from nostalgia). now I work on trusting that it was all perfect, that knowing you briefly leaves me with positive perspectives, and I work on being present in my environment with these people I love and that love me. I say thank you to the past, thank you for showing up when you could, and I welcome the newness that lies ahead. it won't be with you, and I will get to see why soon enough. for now, I shall suffer gladly.

remember to make and create just for yourself, not for the audience. remember to take time in the day to be with yourself, with no one else, and impress yourself! you can do hard things that merit no reward. the reward is the process itself. colour, doodle, sing, move, touch, see, imagine. stare at fire, for hours. draw something vulnerable, don't release it. treasure that you've done it, not that others have witnessed it.

three writings instead of drawing because drawing this feeling is scary

revealing the truth

I'm afraid of sharing my experience
my vulnerable, truest experience

for fear that you might think it 

too much

because

you're supposed to be free

unencumbered by another

you're supposed to be calling the shots

having fun on your own terms

I'm afraid of sharing my experience

my intense, larger-than-life loving experience

for fear that you might think it

too real

because

you're supposed to love everyone

freedom to roam, to play, to engage

you're supposed to commit to none

not commit to just one, certainly not

this one

--

but how?

and if I say I love you

and I want you to be here

then you might say "yes, I love

but to love you here limits me."

so what do I do

if I do not want to limit you

but I do want you, here?

how do I live without you

but with you here, inside?

how do I love you out there,

while you love everyone

and everything, like you loved here?

this love you love is what I love to love

and if you didn't love like this

there'd be no love like it

for me to fall in love with.

--

together, then alone

you came here and you filled the space, you filled it with facts, with observation, laughter and fun, with questions and answers and music, entranced me with your ease, your steadiness, your swagger from one place to the other; from the couch to the table, from the table to the kitchen counter. you made toast (extra butter), you danced in the middle of the space, made the high ceiling seem low (and to think your brothers are taller), turning on the bright lights for a daytime glow. you taught me the ceremony of tea and the ceremony of much more than tea, you saw me and questioned me - in a good way, in a way where I could see myself - and you understood or you didn't, which all made me feel myself the way I want to be felt. you brought that big energy, that secure vibe, that safety, all the while I doubted your gaze was for me. everything you touched now holds your glow, an electric current, and I touch it without you here and receive a jolt of electricity, almost but not quite as electric as I did when I touched your arm, your cheek, your foot, your collarbone. what am I to do with this absence, this quality you've left behind, the ghost of you? how do I continue to hold it inside, bring it with me everywhere I go and keep you alive instead of shoot you dead, because it might be easier to pretend you didn't exist than exist and aren't present? you shared yourself with me, here, in this house, for a window of time ... and now I sit, alone, here, in this house, looking through the window at the apple tree, visioning the matching orange sweater, the long curls that made you look child-like as you plucked and juggled. I sigh, in disbelief, that you were here at all, but in belief of everything that's right in the world: true pleasure, true excitement, true heart pounding in my chest for the love of who you are and the gratitude to have had you here at all.

the usual suspects: letting go, being enough

LETTING GO 

never felt so important.

it's been about letting go for years. the spiritual mantra: let go.

release it, be free! find freedom in holding on to nothing!

but it is all thoughts and feelings until more is discovered, until we've let go just enough that we get to see just how much we're still holding onto.

we we we - me me me. I'm sick. I'm sick of being so tight, so cold, so dry, so resistant, so heavy, so thick, so burdened, so untrusting, so fearful. the future will be; whatever it brings is a mystery to all. I cannot live my life based on a fear of the future, because all I have is today. and what brings me the most joy? I want to share my life! I want to share what I have with other people. I want experiences with friends, with lovers, I want to make and build and create and float. I want to be of service, I want to expand, I want to hold others in their difficult moments and their beautiful moments. I want knowledge, wisdom, I want to have what I need in hard times, I want to regret nothing, I want to sit still knowing that I've done my work and that I haven't forgotten anything. I want to take action where it's important. I want to declutter, and use money wisely, where it matters for an unpredictable future. 

I keep thinking that I have to be more, do more, earn more, take care of more, to be enough, not to burden others, not to take up too much space. but what if I am enough, as I am? what if I can let go of this belief that I need more to be more? 

I AM ENOUGH

AS I AM

I AM LOVE

AS I AM

sacred body

SCARCITY MIND SET

scarcity body

scared body

scarred body

... sacred body

the body, holding so much, all hidden away underneath the skin. holding all of us together, all of our past hopes and fears and dreams and unfortunate experiences. it is trying to show us where the pain is so that we can let it go and heal - yet we misinterpret and blame it as the root cause of our suffering.

paradigm shift

TO GO FROM EVOLUTION THROUGH SUFFERING TO EVOLUTION THROUGH CREATION AND JOY...

join the tribe.

find your tribe of artists who also wish to heal this planet. find your team and be uplifted by the fact that you are not alone in this task. it is bigger than you, so it requires more than you. know that your efforts are all worthy; they are drops in the bucket of higher consciousness. you attract healers, lovers, makers, changers of the heart. for now, you are on your own - to do some big work - but you are far from alone. you must choose it everyday.

---

my next partner is one who holds this vision also. who can aim to change the world with me. who pushes me to do the hard work, who does not resist his own growth. a a man who is ready for big love, a container to hold together through thick and thin... like my exemplars. i must turn the wheel deliberately; sift through. be picky. let him show up. until then, i must build my world and my purpose.

am I needy?

I believe I am quite an easy-going person. so much so that in the past, partners have tried hard to rile me up so they can see me get angry, to see my "passionate" side, to see that I actually care enough because "caring means getting upset". but I don't believe in that. I try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, try to see where they're coming from, and it doesn't make sense to blow up at each other to resolve an issue. instead of making them feel safe - they can usually come to me with most anything and resolve it with communication - they end up unable to trust me, as they think I must be hiding emotion or withholding information. so; being an easy-going person means when I do ask for something (because actions and words haven't amounted to connection), I think I'm too much. but is it fair, or is it needy, to ask for what I need?

consideration

how important is communication? how important is it to feel heard, understood, and cared for? what does being heard, understood and cared for look like, and is it so different from person to person? what is consideration, is it the combination of all three?

I ask myself what consideration means as I wait and wait to hear from my person. our situation has the added bonus of being long distance, so our only way to stay connected is through message and voice exchange. thankfully, we manage to see each other every 2-4 weeks, but it's been extra stressful since he has had a big change in work and since I've opened up vulnerably about the way I want to continue in the relationship. since the very beginning, our exchange style has proven to be quite contrasting; what I need is different than what he needs. now, after all this time, I start to question why he does it this way, and I'm trying to understand him more fully. all I can come to though, through this personal lens which was trained with my limited resources and blind to alternatives, is that he is not interested enough to care enough to consider my feelings as I wait for connection from him.

is this too much? is this "neediness"? in this current situation, I need more from him to feel heard and cared for, to feel considered. I've expressed this but it's never stuck. in this extremely vulnerable and tender place we've landed, it's even more important for me to hear from him, to be prioritized, to be thought of, even for one second; a couple of words, an image of what he's up to, a song or a quote or a "thinking of you". when I put it this way it sounds so needy. is it not his love language? even when it's not someone's love language, how do they process their love inside themselves and lack the awareness that the partner might be wanting to hear it and feel it? how do they not want to share their inner process? how can I continue to know and trust that the care and love is there without any drop in, any communication for days? I simply struggle to understand. I want to understand.

at this moment, the only way my brain can make sense of this behaviour is that there is not enough consideration, which ultimately means there is no forethought or care about how I might be feeling. that means, I suppose, that there is not enough love there to put himself aside and give me something I need that perhaps he doesn't at that moment. I read it as, "I'm doing my thing, I don't need to do anything else for anyone else". the way I think of love is to put myself down for a second and consider what the other person might need, and I try my hardest to inquire and hopefully give them that. even just the question, the curiosity of "what might my partner need?" should lead to a result of feeling cared for and considered.

should it not?

** edit, september 2025 **

trust yourself. you knew all along what these feelings were about. it wasn't a good match. he needed something else, and more importantly, you needed something else. stop chasing, stop waiting to be treated the way you want to be treated. treat yourself with love by removing yourself from what you don't think is loving.

start from the real start

the biggest fear is the one unknown. the threshold to a new land, to a new kind of safety, one I can never truly understand unless I pass through first. 

I realize I've been holding myself back from getting something I truly want. this doesn't mean I won't get things I don't want along with it - on the contrary, the good with the bad will come. I will be glad to have had the courage to stand up for myself, to have the hard conversations, to keep choosing yes, you, yes ... you. every day in every challenge. 

the heaviness of doing it alone is wearing me thin. I begin again. again. again. over and over I begin alone, trying to build a life to sustain me so that I may continue on the path to sustainability. starting alone is the opposite of doing it with another; if I truly want a life of union, then I must step away from alone completely and integrate, good, bad, ugly, joyful, ecstatic, blissful, disappointing, annoying, invigorating, heartbreaking, illuminating ... the yin and yang of existence, two opposites pouring from one container.

starting again alone means never asking the hard questions. starting again alone means the safe bet ... and the continuous "whatever" of life going round and round. I'm done with whatever. the fears are completely unfounded and do not stand on their own. when examined in the light, they stand no chance to be viable; they show the truth of my hiding, my holding to excuses and old beliefs which keep me in the past.

starting over means having nothing to lose and everything to gain. I can choose to start from anywhere - why not from where I truly, deeply want?

wealth for me = wealth for you

why is it so hard to feel good about wealth?

why do we have to prove ourselves,

to "work hard" for what we have?

what if it was easy, what if it was gifted, received?

can we not accept plenty, more, a lot,

without shame or guilt, without the feeling of unfairness?

I want my cup to be so full it overflows

so that I may pour everything into yours

(and still have some left for me)

I want to be filled over and over

so I may spill over into yours, again

and on and on I would stay full

and you would stay full

and we would drink from each other

both full, both satisfied for infinity.

on receiving the good (or bad)

who am I to say
where the miracle should come from?
who delivers it,
what gets delivered?
if I am emptiness,
the void may get filled with
all the jewels in the world,
and equally,
all the compost for fertile soil.

there may be many deaths I must die
before understanding everything is good for me.
the fortune and the mis -
the beautiful and the tarnished.
any gift of any nature
teaches the dreamer to accept what is,
and my dreams are echoing teachings
hard to accept, hard to master.

family dynamics

I've been watching my family change, grow, evolve ... at lighting speed.

all of a sudden, we can have focused conversations. all of a sudden, we can connect with each other. we look at each other in the eyes, hold gaze; they are patient and spacious, they are listening. they are present with me.

it's such a beautiful gift, and I'm not sure how it came to be this way. a lifetime of being family, being a certain way together, and all of a sudden we relate so differently. is it in the stars? is it in their new carnivore diet? (that makes me chuckle) is it just timing?

I'll never know.

another year, passed

hello 2024.

you've been quite unsettling right from the start: abrupt endings, death, movement, shedding, revealing ... but you're stirring in just the right ways. my meditations brought insights of having to let go even more, specifically of my identity and of my sense of control. I've learned that life is just happening to me, and I am suffering if I wake up in the morning trying to bend it to my will and my preferences.

so, I'm following my footsteps, which are walking to what my awareness lets in, into what's in front of me in the present moment. I'm no longer sure what intuition actually means, maybe a trust in being able to handle whatever comes my way. if I breathe, if I relax, if I let go into the moment, then anything can be a beautiful human experience. I chose to leap toward the unknown, move to a new island alone, on a farm in the winter, with little security. I am extremely fortunate to have family and friends who support me and would never let me fall, so in that, I realize I have a net to catch me, which is much more secure than most. still, I chose to leave the comfort zone - which was driving me insane - and the chaos of uncertainty here is proving to be worthwhile.

I've started meditating every day, trying to do 1-1.5 hours since the meditation retreat on Gambier early December. I've started a new job venetian plastering, which has been a goal for years. I'm in a cabin on Saltspring island, surrounded by forest, nestled between several tiny cabins. Matilda has bit the dust, so I am without wheels, having to depend on others for transport, continuously humbled. I have started drawing again, for my own pleasure, and am starting to get excited to participate in murals and other art projects soon. I have taken a step back from the self-sufficient path, for now, and trust that I will realign with it once I've got more tools (plaster being one of them). this island is magic for me right now, and I am so grateful for the humans who dance, play, and act from a place of creativity. I am learning to love, to really put in the work, to shift my mindset about what and who is good for me. 

I wonder what's next.

Rosie Coloured Glasses

I take in the view from your star window;

a field of dreams, of bamboo and blackberry, 

cloth floating through the breeze in the rolling meadow. 

I walk through the field to the next room;

Trees of pear, apple, plum and persimmon

morning dew awakening my feet as I glide,

humming a tune, expansive in my being.

A family of strangers greet me as I enter;

endless bounty, generosity, child-like ease,

"come in as you are", a rare feeling of knowing.

Soon the sweet bitterness of coffee finds my tongue,

bird calling for you, you approaching me,

and an embrace, a touch of my back, awakens me to begin.

The Escalator

---

No thanks,

I'd rather take the stairs.

I don't mind the extra effort

knowing we'll be stronger still;

and we might stop, enjoy the view

without running frantically

backwards in place

counter to some arbitrary momentum.

I'd rather feel each step

and earn the reward -

our own volition -

choosing to ascend.

- Luke Deville, Jan 2023

from before

you can’t tell me, you’ve gotta show me

but you can’t show me without letting go

you gotta show me while holding yourself

show me you love yourself so much

that it overflows into me

that you have so much to give

not because you’re avoiding yourself

show me that you love yourself so much

that wanting me is extra, that needing me

is coming from longing, not fear of losing

---

are there two kinds of need?

the need coming from love,

the need coming from fear?

how do those needs differ?

needing from love builds intimacy,

needing from fear builds resistance?

sure, you’re not doing this for me

you’re doing this for you

but how do you hold yourself

amongst all of them

all of the others

the ones that aren’t me

and if you’re working on it for you

then let’s see it in the world

let’s see you changing for the world

for yourself and the world

and let the change for me

be a byproduct, an outpouring

because it doesn’t end with me

it only begins with me

are you different if I’m not looking?

do you show up for me, not for them?

---

your eagerness and persistence is both

your weakness and your strength

it is what captures my mind

and alerts my heart to distance

Michelangelo

the other day, in the coffee shop next to my work - where I have been struggling for 4 weeks, going into my 5th - a man mentioned the sistine chapel ceiling and how hard it must have been to paint it. for some reason in that moment I wanted to know more about Michelangelo, but quickly forgot about it. today, I decided to backtrack to a tiny library on my walk (as I am sick today, and am sick for the second time in two months), where I found a book titled "The Agony and the Ecstacy: the passionate biographical novel of Michelangelo". impressed to have followed my intuition to come back to check this library (and god knows I have enough books I don’t read already), I went home content. later today, I watched yet another episode of my favourite show - the show that is keeping me sane and empty during this difficult time - and they mentioned Michelangelo. just a second, no more, but just enough, for my ears to perk up.

just listening to the little nudges as I struggle through this piece of art.

could it be transformative?