I shall suffer gladly

time only seems to make it harder.

here I thought (but I knew better inside) that time would let me forget about you. it would smooth out the harsh points, the peaks and the valleys, it would keep the emotional rollercoaster at bay, seeing it from so far away that I couldn't ever get on the ride. alas; I watched it getting closer and closer until the seat was under me and I was taken away to those unsettled places in myself that long for your company. I realize more and more the truth of your absence, that it is true indeed that you will not return... not never, but indeed for a very long time, until I have finally turned the page and replaced your quirks with those of others, tucked away the memory of your smile pointing up on each side or the way it feels when you come and hug me with one arm as I putter in the kitchen. this writing is keeping you even more alive than I'd like, but I can't help myself this morning. 

because doesn't longing feel amazing? isn't it why we bask in memory, in fondness of another? the memories are sometimes even sweeter than reality. reality, the truth, was that we didn't know each other yet, that we treaded lightly, that we knew we weren't going to go the distance so we had our fun and left it at that. even if there were big feelings under it all, we knew they wouldn't be allowed access once you moved further and further beyond the point of no return.

and I knew that it would all happen this way.

I knew time would make it harder. I knew I would eventually long for more. I knew the struggle would be real, it would be deep, and it would teach me more about myself. that's why I said yes to the suffering (I mean, I'm not suffering, I'm not in pain, but you know what I'm talking about: the emotional heaviness, the mental gymnastics, the stolen presence that comes from nostalgia). now I work on trusting that it was all perfect, that knowing you briefly leaves me with positive perspectives, and I work on being present in my environment with these people I love and that love me. I say thank you to the past, thank you for showing up when you could, and I welcome the newness that lies ahead. it won't be with you, and I will get to see why soon enough. for now, I shall suffer gladly.