remember to make and create just for yourself, not for the audience. remember to take time in the day to be with yourself, with no one else, and impress yourself! you can do hard things that merit no reward. the reward is the process itself. colour, doodle, sing, move, touch, see, imagine. stare at fire, for hours. draw something vulnerable, don't release it. treasure that you've done it, not that others have witnessed it.

three writings instead of drawing because drawing this feeling is scary

revealing the truth

I'm afraid of sharing my experience
my vulnerable, truest experience

for fear that you might think it 

too much

because

you're supposed to be free

unencumbered by another

you're supposed to be calling the shots

having fun on your own terms

I'm afraid of sharing my experience

my intense, larger-than-life loving experience

for fear that you might think it

too real

because

you're supposed to love everyone

freedom to roam, to play, to engage

you're supposed to commit to none

not commit to just one, certainly not

this one

--

but how?

and if I say I love you

and I want you to be here

then you might say "yes, I love

but to love you here limits me."

so what do I do

if I do not want to limit you

but I do want you, here?

how do I live without you

but with you here, inside?

how do I love you out there,

while you love everyone

and everything, like you loved here?

this love you love is what I love to love

and if you didn't love like this

there'd be no love like it

for me to fall in love with.

--

together, then alone

you came here and you filled the space, you filled it with facts, with observation, laughter and fun, with questions and answers and music, entranced me with your ease, your steadiness, your swagger from one place to the other; from the couch to the table, from the table to the kitchen counter. you made toast (extra butter), you danced in the middle of the space, made the high ceiling seem low (and to think your brothers are taller), turning on the bright lights for a daytime glow. you taught me the ceremony of tea and the ceremony of much more than tea, you saw me and questioned me - in a good way, in a way where I could see myself - and you understood or you didn't, which all made me feel myself the way I want to be felt. you brought that big energy, that secure vibe, that safety, all the while I doubted your gaze was for me. everything you touched now holds your glow, an electric current, and I touch it without you here and receive a jolt of electricity, almost but not quite as electric as I did when I touched your arm, your cheek, your foot, your collarbone. what am I to do with this absence, this quality you've left behind, the ghost of you? how do I continue to hold it inside, bring it with me everywhere I go and keep you alive instead of shoot you dead, because it might be easier to pretend you didn't exist than exist and aren't present? you shared yourself with me, here, in this house, for a window of time ... and now I sit, alone, here, in this house, looking through the window at the apple tree, visioning the matching orange sweater, the long curls that made you look child-like as you plucked and juggled. I sigh, in disbelief, that you were here at all, but in belief of everything that's right in the world: true pleasure, true excitement, true heart pounding in my chest for the love of who you are and the gratitude to have had you here at all.

the usual suspects: letting go, being enough

LETTING GO 

never felt so important.

it's been about letting go for years. the spiritual mantra: let go.

release it, be free! find freedom in holding on to nothing!

but it is all thoughts and feelings until more is discovered, until we've let go just enough that we get to see just how much we're still holding onto.

we we we - me me me. I'm sick. I'm sick of being so tight, so cold, so dry, so resistant, so heavy, so thick, so burdened, so untrusting, so fearful. the future will be; whatever it brings is a mystery to all. I cannot live my life based on a fear of the future, because all I have is today. and what brings me the most joy? I want to share my life! I want to share what I have with other people. I want experiences with friends, with lovers, I want to make and build and create and float. I want to be of service, I want to expand, I want to hold others in their difficult moments and their beautiful moments. I want knowledge, wisdom, I want to have what I need in hard times, I want to regret nothing, I want to sit still knowing that I've done my work and that I haven't forgotten anything. I want to take action where it's important. I want to declutter, and use money wisely, where it matters for an unpredictable future. 

I keep thinking that I have to be more, do more, earn more, take care of more, to be enough, not to burden others, not to take up too much space. but what if I am enough, as I am? what if I can let go of this belief that I need more to be more? 

I AM ENOUGH

AS I AM

I AM LOVE

AS I AM

sacred body

SCARCITY MIND SET

scarcity body

scared body

scarred body

... sacred body

the body, holding so much, all hidden away underneath the skin. holding all of us together, all of our past hopes and fears and dreams and unfortunate experiences. it is trying to show us where the pain is so that we can let it go and heal - yet we misinterpret and blame it as the root cause of our suffering.

paradigm shift

TO GO FROM EVOLUTION THROUGH SUFFERING TO EVOLUTION THROUGH CREATION AND JOY...

join the tribe.

find your tribe of artists who also wish to heal this planet. find your team and be uplifted by the fact that you are not alone in this task. it is bigger than you, so it requires more than you. know that your efforts are all worthy; they are drops in the bucket of higher consciousness. you attract healers, lovers, makers, changers of the heart. for now, you are on your own - to do some big work - but you are far from alone. you must choose it everyday.

---

my next partner is one who holds this vision also. who can aim to change the world with me. who pushes me to do the hard work, who does not resist his own growth. a a man who is ready for big love, a container to hold together through thick and thin... like my exemplars. i must turn the wheel deliberately; sift through. be picky. let him show up. until then, i must build my world and my purpose.

am I needy?

I believe I am quite an easy-going person. so much so that in the past, partners have tried hard to rile me up so they can see me get angry, to see my "passionate" side, to see that I actually care enough because "caring means getting upset". but I don't believe in that. I try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, try to see where they're coming from, and it doesn't make sense to blow up at each other to resolve an issue. instead of making them feel safe - they can usually come to me with most anything and resolve it with communication - they end up unable to trust me, as they think I must be hiding emotion or withholding information. so; being an easy-going person means when I do ask for something (because actions and words haven't amounted to connection), I think I'm too much. but is it fair, or is it needy, to ask for what I need?

consideration

how important is communication? how important is it to feel heard, understood, and cared for? what does being heard, understood and cared for look like, and is it so different from person to person? what is consideration, is it the combination of all three?

I ask myself what consideration means as I wait and wait to hear from my person. our situation has the added bonus of being long distance, so our only way to stay connected is through message and voice exchange. thankfully, we manage to see each other every 2-4 weeks, but it's been extra stressful since he has had a big change in work and since I've opened up vulnerably about the way I want to continue in the relationship. since the very beginning, our exchange style has proven to be quite contrasting; what I need is different than what he needs. now, after all this time, I start to question why he does it this way, and I'm trying to understand him more fully. all I can come to though, through this personal lens which was trained with my limited resources and blind to alternatives, is that he is not interested enough to care enough to consider my feelings as I wait for connection from him.

is this too much? is this "neediness"? in this current situation, I need more from him to feel heard and cared for, to feel considered. I've expressed this but it's never stuck. in this extremely vulnerable and tender place we've landed, it's even more important for me to hear from him, to be prioritized, to be thought of, even for one second; a couple of words, an image of what he's up to, a song or a quote or a "thinking of you". when I put it this way it sounds so needy. is it not his love language? even when it's not someone's love language, how do they process their love inside themselves and lack the awareness that the partner might be wanting to hear it and feel it? how do they not want to share their inner process? how can I continue to know and trust that the care and love is there without any drop in, any communication for days? I simply struggle to understand. I want to understand.

at this moment, the only way my brain can make sense of this behaviour is that there is not enough consideration, which ultimately means there is no forethought or care about how I might be feeling. that means, I suppose, that there is not enough love there to put himself aside and give me something I need that perhaps he doesn't at that moment. I read it as, "I'm doing my thing, I don't need to do anything else for anyone else". the way I think of love is to put myself down for a second and consider what the other person might need, and I try my hardest to inquire and hopefully give them that. even just the question, the curiosity of "what might my partner need?" should lead to a result of feeling cared for and considered.

should it not?

** edit, september 2025 **

trust yourself. you knew all along what these feelings were about. it wasn't a good match. he needed something else, and more importantly, you needed something else. stop chasing, stop waiting to be treated the way you want to be treated. treat yourself with love by removing yourself from what you don't think is loving.