Poem for existentialism

This is what was bequeathed us:

This earth the beloved left
And, leaving,
Left to us.

No other world
But this one:
Willows and the river
And the factory
With its black smokestacks.

No other shore, only this bank
On which the living gather.

No meaning but what we find here.
No purpose but what we make.

That, and the beloved’s clear instructions:
Turn me into song; sing me awake.

- Gregory Orr, "This is what was bequeathed us"

The Quality of the Day

So much of the community that we aspire to and yearn for comes out of certain kinds of practises. We're all here for a certain amount of time doing something. So the question is, what are you doing with your time? How do you spend it, how do you fill up a day? What is the quality of that experience? When you take those units of experience and concentrate them over time in many people, what does it foster? A community is not an abstract set of principles; a community arises out of what people have to do - day in and day out - to take care of themselves and each other. The way they are together.

Why would you, in a time of supermarkets, go out there collecting individual clams, harvesting with your bare hands, drying out berries, walking around harvesting little bits of food - so much work for so few calories - why? What is the point? Because that's what you did with the day. Because theres a quality of experience that comes from looking so closely at the earth. You learn something. The way it absorbs your attention, the way you can spend hours in the berry bushes; it's not for the berries... they're just the effect. They're the berry on top. The meat of the matter is, “that's what I did today, that’s how I saw the world today, thats how quiet my mind was today, how many times I felt a spark of joy at "Oh, look, here's one. Oh, another one, and here's another one!" That's how precise my observation got today. 

A revised quote by Eli Marienthal from "Back to Earth", speaking with Chris Ryan on Tangentially Speaking, episode 411.

So, how are we spending our time?

Remember above all things ...

"Remember above all things, Lydia, that to create is not difficult, not painful, that it comes out of you with ease, that you can whip up a little tale in no time, that when you are sincere about it, that when you want to impress a truth, it is not difficult, not painful, but easy, graceful, full of smooth power, as if you were a creating machine with a store of literature that is boundless, enormous, endless, and rich. For it is true; this is so. 

Do not forget it in your gloomier moments. Make your stuff warm, drive it home...don't mind critics, they don't know what they're taking about, they're way off the track, they're cold; you're warm, you're red hot, you can create all day, you know what you know... remember that, Lydia, and when you feel as if you cannot draw or paint or sing or dance or make, as if it is no use, as if life is no good, read this over and realize that you can do a lot of good in this world by turning out truths like these, by spreading warmth, by trying to preach living for life's sake, not the intellectual way, but the warm way, the way of love, the way which says: Dear kin, I greet you with open arms, I accept your frailties, I offer you my frailties, let us gather and run the gamut of rich human existence. Remember, the ease, the grace, the glory, the greatness of your art; remember it, never forget. Remember passion. Do not forget, do not forsake, do not forget. It is there, the order and the purpose; there is chaos, but not in you, not way down deep in your heart, no chaos, only ease, grace, beauty, love, greatness... Do not forget it, do not forget it; please, please Lydia, do not forget yourself. Preserve yourself, and share yourself with the world. They need to hold what you are giving."

- A personal adaptation from a quote from Jack Kerouac to tell myself every day.

The Object of my Affection

The feeling of love is just projected onto possibility. The feeling is manufactured from thoughts, and those thoughts aren't the person or the thing.

For example, if the thought of a certain person gives me butterflies, but when I see him next he somehow doesn't match my fantasy of him (my expectations of what love was going to look like or feel like), the gut sensations disappear. So the feelings weren't about him; he stayed the same. They were about the excitement of the potential of love, the projection of the feeling of love onto a human body. If they were about him, nothing he does could alter the love. That's what they must mean by "the object of my affection".

Can I have these love feelings - the butterflies, the giddy stomach and body jitters - for every thing in life that opens doors to opportunities and potential? can't everything, if seen as a gift of possibility, be completely loved? can I have those same body sensations with this awareness?

Aware Anxiety

This anxiety, this heart racing, this body jittering; it is the power of the unknown, brewing inside of you, twirling, pulsing, beating your heart awake. It is the unnerving feeling of uncertainty, and in uncertainty comes possibility, and possibility is miraculous. it is the sensation which you must totally surrender to, lift your hands to the big open sky and let go of fear and doubt, or if you cannot let go, go deeper into the fear and doubt, let it completely consume you until you realize letting go and going within are one in the same. let your anxiety grow, let it surround you like a cloud of black, and see just how comfortable that darkness can be, wrapping you like a starry blanket, embracing you and expanding with you in all directions. Is it anxiety at all? 

A Greater Capacity for Anger

Ignorance has kept me from feeling too much, from having to deal with information that my body couldn't handle, and from having to take appropriate action to make change in the world. I have been afraid to know something, and in turn not know what to do about it. I have been afraid to open my eyes to truths that hurt so much I feel I don't deserve to live with ease and comfort and privilege. 

I've had it pretty easy. I have not experienced loss like many others have. I have not experienced pain, fear, and suffering like many others have. I will not say that it is wrong of me to have had this kind of life - for I didn't know any better - but with information now so easily accessible comes more personal responsibility. There is no hiding from truth anymore. There is no going back, no way to un-know. Now, I'm aware that it would be ignorant not to get involved in the suffering of this world and take it as my own wound.

A greater capacity to hold anger will allow a greater capacity to hold love.

My ability to process anger - firstly to recognize that this is the emotion I am experiencing - has dramatically changed and improved in this third decade of life. I am grateful for the catalysts: difficult relationships, family troubles, religious conflict, and sexual abuse as a child. Until now, I thought it was best to suck it up. To stay quiet. To hold from blame or pointing fingers because no one is ever wrong, because I am the creator of my suffering. I no longer believe this to be true. Seeing the world burn has made me realize that it burns because of my non-action, of my silence, and of my naive belief that if I stay quiet the world will heal. Thing is, there is a peaceful and loving way to say no. A peaceful and loving way to protest and to point out the wrong doings of those who are seriously hurting and causing hurt in return.

I have been afraid of true empathy. To live holding someone else's burdens and sorrows and angers. My own simple, small issues have been heavy, and to imagine holding the world's has been too scary. But as I work on my ability to hold and express anger, I find more honesty in taking on collective pain and releasing it in a harmless way. I am the world, and we are all beings joined by the same breath. We are all one. Therefore, I am more myself, more whole, while holding the collective suffering. How can I help ease the suffering of my brothers and sisters? Of my global community? of my roommate? of my family member? of the earth? How can I use my skills, my wealth, my knowledge, and general privilege, to lift others who do not have these tools to back them? How can I learn to listen and hold space for what I will never understand or experience?

The state of the world is a reflection of the inflammation we have in each of our bodies. None of us will ever truly be healthy without understanding that we are all actually, literally in this together. To heal, we have to go for the global heart-center's wound, not just the individual. By helping myself I am helping others, but I must balance this with the fact that by helping others, I help myself. I cannot wait to have healed myself fully before trying to heal another. One can remain a student and become a teacher.  Covid has left us raw and afraid of our own vulnerability, which hopefully will help us empathize with every human being on this planet, no matter their race, gender or social status. Hopefully, a pandemic has taught us that we are all equally fragile, and we all deserve to breathe, to feel safe from harm ... to live.

I can't say what my solution is to the world's problems right this moment, but I do want to say that I'm willing to look at societal wounds, to acknowledge discomfort, and to process these difficult emotions of grander scale from this moment forward.

How to relate

This might only be about them.  About helping them transition to their new selves in every moment through your awareness, your attention. It’s no time to make it about you. Living as an inspiration, not perfection. Stop enforcing ways and just allow them to find their way. Turn the microphone over to them. Listen. Learn. Validate.