Musica

Music! Music.

Music fills my heart. Seeing music live fills my heart with gratitude, desire, fulfillment, understanding, empathy, love for the people who make it, who want to be heard, who express themselves to the fullest and show others they can do the same.

I admire the time they've put into their music. There are so many things we can do with our time, and using it in the midst of music, mostly in solitude, is a difficult choice for me (and I wonder if it is for them). So, I appreciate those who put in that time. The effort. The time spent alone. The growth, the sharing of their craft. The retreat so they may come out with a big bang and be the fullest version of themselves. Showcase their amazing gift to the world.

Always Arriving

Perhaps we're all riding our own wave, and meet at intersections. Points in space and time when we discover each other, for a short moment or a lifetime, where we notice each other and attend each other's mentality but eventually must fade back into our own. A big web, constantly flowing, arriving, leaving, witnessed, unnoticed.

"The idea is to remain in a constant state of departure, while always arriving". -- Boat Car Guy, Waking Life

Fuzzy

I'm going to begin with why.

Why has the magic of my youth faded away?
Why does the magic slowly fade, like a distant memory, like a lucid dream I swear could have been reality?
Why does my mind so drastically shift as I grow into adulthood (am I there yet)?
Why must the years erode my love for wonder,  my faith in the unknown, my trust in another?

Why why why? So many Whys.

It's like my surroundings solidify as I grow up. They're kind of transparent throughout my childhood, and become fuzzy as a young teenager, and for a while it seems I can shift and control that fuzziness and make it do whatever I want. I can enter it with my mind and my insides, I can blend in with the fuzzy and take a ride on the fuzzy waves.  But then I reach a point where it's all solid, suddenly, changing states from gaseous to liquid to solid in just a few years. The more dense the matter around me becomes, the more dense time becomes; it's more real, it takes more control over my life, and I have a hard time avoiding it. Time was spacious when I was growing up, and now it is this dense, solid, ticking-tocking sound, that guides me through my days.

Believing in the incredible has now become work. INCREDIBLE: Where our beliefs are suspended for a moment. Suspending the mind's understanding to give way to the heart and soul's understanding of the world. Believing in this unbelievable, in the incredible, brings about more mystery in my life, more unexplainable events. If I am aware of one mystery, I start to climb the ladder to the higher mysteries of life.

But no, I should not dare go up that ladder anymore. I may lose sight of the solid ground below my feet, my concrete goals, my vision for the grand scheme of my life!

There has to be a way to hold on to this solid while swimming in the current of the spacious particles. There has to be.

hunger

Tony Robbins, "Find what makes you feel alive. What makes you wake up in the morning excited. Tap into your drives. Find that HUNGER."

Temporary loss

We don't know what we're about to lose.
We're unaware of how attached we are, how dependent we truly are.

I suppose this is why we must lose it, so we may experience the awareness of not having. We get so comfortable with it by our side, we do not realize just how blessed we are.

At least he's coming back.
I didn't think I'd feel this way today, I thought I'd be a-okay, ready to go, keep trudging forward with work and focus focus focus. But my heart is heavy because he has gone, and will not return for some time. That time will surely be a mere flash ... but right now, it feels as though it could be an eternity away.

Miriam Sonstenes wrote a hauntingly pretty choral song about those you love leaving ...
https://soundcloud.com/cypress-choral-music/i-am-leaving?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=email

I am leaving I am leaving
Don't you cry it won't be long
I'll hold on to one sweet memory
Singin songs until the dawn

Take my hand it's getting late now
Sing a song to dry the tears
Still in dreams I will remember
All that we lost through the years

Can you still see the reflection
of the stars a rising high
On the river at midnight
Not a cloud in the sky

Though it's springtime you're still waiting
Plant the seed and watch it grow
Leave your fears they only bind you
You will reap just what you sow

I am leaving I am leaving
Don't you cry it won't be long
I'll hold on to one sweet memory
Singin songs until the dawn

Nature and Choices

I've always wanted to be a little gardening bee. For some reason, it's always been very intimidating, until I landed where I live now, a beautiful property in Saanich which was once developed and came with a garden plot, a greenhouse, and almost all the tools I'd ever need to do it.

So this year I put on my dirty clothes and got out there.

Nothing's ever felt better. Springtime in this place is blowing my mind, showing me nature's patterns and reflecting on human nature at the same time. We're all quite predictable; I mean, we are all born, and then we die. We are on a life path of growth and knowledge and experience, and through all of it we trust our instincts and let our bodies do the work for us. Our mind likes to get in the way once in a while, but deep down we know exactly what to do when. We know when to bud, when to bloom, when to shed our leaves. It's so much fun seeing it outside of myself in my backyard, with all of these different species of trees and soon-to-be fruit-baring plants.

On a somewhat different note, yesterday I was listening to a great podcast about choices.

I think choices are what separate us humans from other lifeforms on this planet. We get to reflect, wonder, decide. What was interesting about this podcast was how we could go about making these decisions, whether they're really silly like choosing a meal at a restaurant or pasta sauce at the grocery store, or making a grander life decision like a career move or buying a home. I feel like I get paralyzed daily by forks in the road. Sure, what I choose will certainly affect my life and change me forever, but what I have to realize is that every single option is viable. Everything I could say yes to is a possibility which is, most of the time,  equally beneficial or will lead me down the "right" path.

Which is why we have to embrace the difficult task of decision-making. Decisions are something I'm getting better at over time, but have always struggled with. I usually choose the path of least resistance, but am finding now that this is the easy way out.  I should be doing what feels less natural to grow into the person I want to become. A stronger, more intelligent human making my own decisions, not letting form or availability guide me down a road I've travelled too often. This means going inward and really asking myself what I want and what this choice will teach me. Making a choice, even in a more mundane situation, means having more control over my life.

Even in the garden, choices are everywhere! If I'm the only one making the change happen, I constantly have to choose what, where, when. Nature sure is teaching me a lot.

Every day, we're asked questions. Every day, we have to make decisions. Isn't it more thrilling to choose the option you usually wouldn't?

Learning to Let Go

Balance.

Going for it, while going with the flow.

Understanding where you need to be, but not having to be there right away.

Finding focus, while remaining open to paths and alternative possibilities.