Sunday, July 21, 2013
Alone or lonely?
Still trying to master staying at home by myself. Most times I end up trying to find something to do anywhere but home, and it truly does not fulfill me. And no matter how much I know this, I keep doing it again and again. Am I afraid to be alone? Am I afraid of being bored? Perhaps unseen. I have this weird personal theory that if I don’t see anyone and they don’t see me then whatever I’m doing actually doesn’t exist. That’s probably wrong.
Feeling Lost
Feeling “lost” is a difficult state of mind. I’ve been in this as of late, although I think I know what I want. I’ve been reading books about how to get what I want. I’ve been soaking in my surroundings, trying to see what’s there for me, staying open to new opportunities. I have many personal projects I want to get started on, but my motivation to get these done is low lately. I wish there was a button to crank up my passion volume. I have love for my hobbies and activities inside my body – I can feel it, it’s right there – but I can’t pull it out efficiently. Actually, it shouldn’t be about efficiency whatsoever. It should just be done, whether I’m in the mood for it or not, whether my mind allows it to be fun or not.
When I had my fashion show at the end of the school year just a month or so ago it was the climax of my career as a fashion design student. Everything built up to it, and nothing could take it away. It was either I made it or I didn’t. I loved how much stuff there was to get done: planning, scheduling, fabricating, locating, searching, gathering … bringing to life. It was brilliant, and I felt brilliant also. I was in control and yet I had to trust that things and people around me would work out as efficiently as I had planned in my mind. I had a vision and even though only part of it was manifested, things got done and the show HAD to go on. I will forever be grateful for such an experience, as now I am measuring my new experiences against this larger-than-I accomplishment. I want something to mirror the way I felt when I was in it. I struggle by myself, so I know I need a conductor to my orchestra. I want to pick out the players in this orchestra, plan the concert, and then sit back and watch as my life – the music – plays itself.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
The Time Is Now
So I go onto Google to look up variations of a tattoo, to start designing mine. I type in, "The Time is Now", to see what comes up. It was kind of instant. I want a watch or an hourglass of some sorts.
What comes up?
Too funny.
What comes up?
1:11 PM
Too funny.
BEGIN!
"The openness to begin is all the openness we are required to have each day. We begin. The rest unfolds through us." Julia Cameron
Friday, May 3, 2013
iPhones and iWorlds
I have entered the iPhone world!!
It was a scary conversion.
But ya know, I feel like I had to get with the times. Most of me wishes we could go backwards in time a little, get rid of all of this crazy technology and keep it simple. Yet, another part of me understands that the world is growing, moving forward, and evolving along with us crazy humans. I could not deny it any longer.
Technology has many benefits, as long as we know to stay true and stay real. Now I can use this tool to promote what I love to do, and therefore do more of it. People get to connect instantly! I can do some work at home and still feel like the world is watching me (in my case, that's a really good thing, because I don't get anything done unless someone is there to tell me to keep going).
I also purchased a watch, which means I won't have to look at my phone everytime I want to know the time. This is a culprit move that just gets me into the black hole of checking something else. If I have the internet at my fingertips, I must find ways to remove my will power from the equation altogether. Get rid of as much temptation as possible. I must say, it feels nice to have a REAL clock on me again.
It was a scary conversion.
But ya know, I feel like I had to get with the times. Most of me wishes we could go backwards in time a little, get rid of all of this crazy technology and keep it simple. Yet, another part of me understands that the world is growing, moving forward, and evolving along with us crazy humans. I could not deny it any longer.
Technology has many benefits, as long as we know to stay true and stay real. Now I can use this tool to promote what I love to do, and therefore do more of it. People get to connect instantly! I can do some work at home and still feel like the world is watching me (in my case, that's a really good thing, because I don't get anything done unless someone is there to tell me to keep going).
I also purchased a watch, which means I won't have to look at my phone everytime I want to know the time. This is a culprit move that just gets me into the black hole of checking something else. If I have the internet at my fingertips, I must find ways to remove my will power from the equation altogether. Get rid of as much temptation as possible. I must say, it feels nice to have a REAL clock on me again.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
It ends with you
I see more and more how every single little action I take affects the whole world around me. It affects both the animate and inanimate. If I decide to let go of an unhealthy relationship, everyone around me must shift too. I must trust that I make the right decisions, and as a dear friend said to me, as long as I'm being honest with myself, no one else needs to justify my actions. And if they love me and care for me, they will not expect anything more. They will support me in my life-altering decisions.
Relationships are messy but they surely teach one about themselves in the biggest ways. I lost myself to take care and feel for someone else. It wasn't right, but it naturally occured. I couldn't help it. I noticed it, I zoomed out and saw just how much loving this person stopped me from loving myself, and so I had to let them go to come back to me. Every single relationship/friendship/acquaintence in life is like this also: they'll whirlwind into our lives, sweep us off our feet, make us lose balance or anchor us and ground us, and then they will leave. Whether we decide to leave them, or they leave willingly -- on a trip, to follow their dreams, to pass on to the next world -- we are experiencing death around us at all times. We must learn to let go and accept constant change in our lives. This is also why we must love ourselves and love being alone: when everyone has left, when you've left everyone, when you shut your eyes at night or for the last time in your life, are you comfortable with yourself? Are you in love with yourself?
Relationships are messy but they surely teach one about themselves in the biggest ways. I lost myself to take care and feel for someone else. It wasn't right, but it naturally occured. I couldn't help it. I noticed it, I zoomed out and saw just how much loving this person stopped me from loving myself, and so I had to let them go to come back to me. Every single relationship/friendship/acquaintence in life is like this also: they'll whirlwind into our lives, sweep us off our feet, make us lose balance or anchor us and ground us, and then they will leave. Whether we decide to leave them, or they leave willingly -- on a trip, to follow their dreams, to pass on to the next world -- we are experiencing death around us at all times. We must learn to let go and accept constant change in our lives. This is also why we must love ourselves and love being alone: when everyone has left, when you've left everyone, when you shut your eyes at night or for the last time in your life, are you comfortable with yourself? Are you in love with yourself?
Feel, listen and let go
It is necessary to look within and notice how you truly feel. Your body knows the answer to many of the mind's questions, if you would simply let it come up within you and listen.
When you think of a person, feelings come up. It's very general, more of a body sensation than a comprehensible "list". Does your stomach knot up? Do you relax instantly? Perhaps you even get itchy or tired or extremely excited. These things are crucial to your health -- both mental and physical -- because each time you are with this person these emotions and body senses will come up.
So when you've just gotten together with a friend and you say goodbye, and you walk away, what are you left with? Dig deep down (actually, it shouldn't be that far down, but the fact you've never paid attention makes you think it would be) and pin point the area in your body that is screaming for your attention. Is it telling you "Yes! I want more of that! That was so lovely!" or is it telling you "Run. Run for your life because this person is eating you alive!" Two extremes, but two very possible scenarios.
Along with feeling your body comes responding. You must take appropriate action. Go with your GUTS, instinct, with this feeling you've just discovered by listening to yourself. Sure, your mind generates thoughts about people, but your ego will most likely analyze and fight for something that is not always good for you. Now once you've listened to yourself, you've gotta reflect this honesty physically and change something. Maybe this person is healthier in smaller doses. Maybe your girlfriend or spouse is not treating you fairly and it's time to make some changes in your relationship. Maybe you need to start spending some time alone so you know what you want and who you want around you to make you feel a certain way.
First, listen. Then, feeling comes. Now you must act accordingly, be strong-willed and understanding with yourself. It's difficult to make these kinds of life changes. We don't want to hurt those who we feel are hurting us (most likely without their knowing), but in the long run the most loving thing you could do for not only yourself, but for them also, is to let them go.
When you think of a person, feelings come up. It's very general, more of a body sensation than a comprehensible "list". Does your stomach knot up? Do you relax instantly? Perhaps you even get itchy or tired or extremely excited. These things are crucial to your health -- both mental and physical -- because each time you are with this person these emotions and body senses will come up.
So when you've just gotten together with a friend and you say goodbye, and you walk away, what are you left with? Dig deep down (actually, it shouldn't be that far down, but the fact you've never paid attention makes you think it would be) and pin point the area in your body that is screaming for your attention. Is it telling you "Yes! I want more of that! That was so lovely!" or is it telling you "Run. Run for your life because this person is eating you alive!" Two extremes, but two very possible scenarios.
Along with feeling your body comes responding. You must take appropriate action. Go with your GUTS, instinct, with this feeling you've just discovered by listening to yourself. Sure, your mind generates thoughts about people, but your ego will most likely analyze and fight for something that is not always good for you. Now once you've listened to yourself, you've gotta reflect this honesty physically and change something. Maybe this person is healthier in smaller doses. Maybe your girlfriend or spouse is not treating you fairly and it's time to make some changes in your relationship. Maybe you need to start spending some time alone so you know what you want and who you want around you to make you feel a certain way.
First, listen. Then, feeling comes. Now you must act accordingly, be strong-willed and understanding with yourself. It's difficult to make these kinds of life changes. We don't want to hurt those who we feel are hurting us (most likely without their knowing), but in the long run the most loving thing you could do for not only yourself, but for them also, is to let them go.
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