Describing those feelings

In my Effective Communication class we're learning about NVC - Non Violent Communication. It's interesting, a little bit slow to start, but my favorite part of it is the homework, strangely enough! Mollie, our teacher, is a wonderfully compassionate and caring person who really wants to understand you and help you through any confusion or issues (or if it's all good, she wants to hear about that too!) Our homework from this last class was to take these 8 "feelings" and describe what we notice actually physically happens when they are triggered. I had so much fun writing this, and found out a whole lot more about myself from it than I thought I would. So I'm putting it in my blog! Do YOU know how to describe what your body is going through when you're feeling these?

The 8 feelings were:
1. Anxious
2. Frustrated
3. Overjoyed
4. Relieved
5. Terrified
6. Amused
7. Disappointed
8. Energized
and I described them as follows...

Anxiety makes my body shake. My heart skips beats, and my stomach is in knots. Something looms over my mind and my state of being, and sometimes I have no idea why or what it is that is causing such discomfort. My speech becomes impaired; words don't relate as easily, as if there were short-circuiting happening. Anxiety causes mental blockage, and also almost physical blockage. My heart is tight, veiling itself with a security blanket to ward off the inevitable. Anxiety to me is like living in the future, always of afraid of what's coming next.

Frustration gets to my head, mostly. I get very heated, blood rushing to the surface, as though I could be perceived by others as having red flesh. Brain gets cloudy and my view narrow -- I can only see darkness, negativity, and more frustration. I am so narrow-minded that I don't see what's happening with the rest of my body.

Overjoyed, I am lighter than ever. This is also an emotion which does not have much feeling attached to it since my heart and soul are so elevated they could be beyond body sensation. I suppose my heart is racing, and my face hurts from smiling too much! My eyes may be burning from crying of laughter and joy!

Relieved is a reversing of anxiety and frustration. I feel my body coming back, almost as if it were numb beforehand. Pins and needles sometimes are felt throughout extremedies which weren't getting enough oxygen and circulation. That in itself gives me a small head rush, and my heart lets go of fear or whatever's causing the pain. I feel my heart expanding and starting to beat steadily again. My body is lighter and heavier at the same time: heavier because I feel a lot more grounded, but lighter because a heavy weight has been lifted. Strange contradiction.

I don't think I've ever been truly terrified. And if I have, my mind has completely blocked this memory for safety's sake. I imagine terrified is much like anxious, but exponentially more intensified. I don't feel my body. My mind is no longer relating to Lydia; it is completely irrational. I would be heavy all over, as though my ankles and my wrists were tied with weights; movement would be scarce, if at all. I would be blocked, still, cramped, and bolted to the ground.

Amused is probably the hardest to describe. I've never paid much attention ... amused in itself means you are preoccupied with something outside of yourself, attention focused toward the amusing person or object or situation. It feels good, though! I feel most comfortable with my body and who I am as a person when I am amused, as it disconnects my rambling mind from reality for however long of moments.

Disappointed. Let down. Dragged out. Body droops, feels heavy, heart sinks -- it's all a very "downward" motion and feeling. My body may even physically show these signs by slouching and lowering my head even as I walk. No looking at others in the eyes, or seeing anything above and beyond "me". This is probably the total opposite of overjoyed, where I feel light and free and see beyond who I am and what the world could become; instead I revert inward and sink and pout. Worst of all, I know someone or something else was the cause of disappointment, but I am the one who expected too much. This becomes full of realisations and evaluating my beliefs and judgement.

Energized is quite literal, very clear and focused. It is driven, in my body feeling like a charge of electricity running through my veins and through my brain. I can see clearly what's ahead -- and all around me -- and muscles move freely and with ease. I do feel lighter, like being overjoyed, but there is a sense of neutrality to the energy, whereas overjoyed would have been catalysed by something very particular.

Focus, Little Things

What you focus upon you shall bring more of!

Funny coincidence. This morning I walked about my neighborhood and saw this one street. It stuck out to me. It was named "Academy Cl." I thought, how wonderful would it be to live on Academy Close? Sounds so regal and studious. I've never seen this street until today. At work this morning, second customer of the day lives on .... yep, you guessed it, Academy Close.

Another little coincidence that happens to many: I decided to text my friend after several days of not hearing from him. I was about to say, "Alex, seriously, it's been way too long!" As I'm keying the words in, Alex phones.

Make the Choice

Change sure is scary. You are afraid for a while; you don't know what to expect, what will happen to you, if you'll love where you are or if you'll wish you were back where you were before.

I've moved to a brand new neighborhood! I launched myself into it because I needed a huge change (not that going to school for the first time wasn't enough or anything). I was anxious and almost physically sick for a few days, not knowing if I'd made the right move. I took a "step backwards", in society's terms, as I was living with my man since last November.  Almost a year of living with the person you love and then moving out with your besty would seem odd to most, and I felt other's judgement upon my new situation, which only added to my own unease. Once you've made a decision though, you must tough it out. You must go through the rough inner turmoil. Making that first move, the choice, was where the challenge truly lied. Now, all I must do is allow life to go on the way it easily wishes to direct itself. I suppose I like to think of life as something that's happening to me, as I feel my ego as a human being is so seperate from who I am.

That doesn't make any sense. Whatever, life is contradiction!

Anyhow, I must say that this morning's walk grabbin' coffee and catching my bus -- weaving through the trees on my new morning routine -- was delightful, charming, and rejuvinating. In the past I've been stuck in my ways, always wanting to go to the same places, do the same things, afraid that anything new might not be quite as good as previously and therefore wasted. What a way to think of life! I'm done with that. Change brings forth new feelings, new sights, new realizations and reflections of myself.

So far, everything is lovely. Our place is beautiful; small and modest, but adorable. My friend and I get along easily, we appreciate the same things, and our home lives are similar. As for no longer living with my boyfriend, I feel we're able to breathe a little easier, appreciate our company, and also take more personal care of each other ... take care of more business and select carefully the time we spend together and apart. Going to his home -- my old home -- brings back all the great times we've had, which renews the love of our past together. There is a lot to be said about having time apart from even those you love so much.

New chapters. New adventures. Old love renewed. Old habits broken, new ways adopted. I love life. I love fear and where it brings you, once you've pushed past it and climbed above it all. I feel like a new person. Now for school ... I'm ready for you!

Little Details

It's the little details in life that make things interesting.

Closer

You become closer the moment you fear you could lose each other at any moment.

Schizophreniart

Schizophreniart -- Two parts that make a whole in one artist, with two seperate personalities. One, ready to go, ready to start or finish, always on the move and looking for the next thing to do to move forward. The other, a lazy son of a bitch, one who procrastinates, chews away at the paper and doesn't really want to do anything; always looking for a way out of making that next move.

Friend of mine and I are both in the same situation where we are lacking in self motivation, curiosity, imagination, creativity, and yet art is what we DO. Art is what we love, what we think of everyday. But getting down to business and actually doing up the pieces in your brain is such a TASK. Why does something you love doing still feel like work? We think it may be cause of schizophreniart. The big meany part of you won't actually let you sit down and enjoy what you're doing.

It's like you need to break up with the bad part of yourself so you can become a whole artist. Understand you're a crazy weirdo who can't function properly unless you say goodbye to the one side of you that just doesn't make any sense and that feeds your ego in the wrong ways.

Easier said than done!! But a good idea nonetheless, wouldn't you think? Fresh approach!

Death and Dying and D words

Lots of talk of death lately.

I feel this is what needs to happen in order for civilization to evolve to a more empathetic level. I had a talk with my friend yesterday about so many other friends all of a sudden coming into realizations and epiphanies. Things in life have somehow pushed everyone in a different direction, forward, moving towards a more "spiritual" kind of understanding of the world. Friends who have never understood what I ever talked about when I expressed the way I see things now have experienced it for themselves.

The conversion is happening quickly, so much so that we don't even know where the time goes in between the person we used to be to the person that we are now. Has there really been that big of changes in one day? In a couple of hours? Sure, time seems to be accelerating -- in whatever way you'd like to put it -- but we're also being bombarded with so much information it's hard to believe we'd actually be taking it all in.
Anyway, I've side-tracked, as I usually do. What would happen to this world if we all actually understood what it means to be dying? We are dying every single minute of every day, slowly deteriorating, and yet we push the reality of death aside. Fear of death actually stops us from living fully. The moment we accept how imminent death really is, we may start changing ourselves for the better. We may want to do everything in our power to make the present moment AMAZING, passionate, invigorating, thrilling! Pushing limits, knowing no matter what, we may die today or tomorrow or twenty years from now but it doesn't matter, because we love the fact that we are! Falling in love with death is a strange concept but I personally think this may be the only way to truly save us from all the "fear" that's instilled within.

Thank the universe every single day that you're alive, because who knows how much longer you'll be here? Know that this experience, no matter how mundane, how unfortunate, how lucky, how bright or dark, cannot be done over, cannot be taken back!