Change. Everything around me is changing.

Change.

Everything around me is changing. As we all must know, change is the only constant. I should be used to it ... shouldn't we all? We should establish first and foremost what kind of change constitutes BAD change, if any kind at all. Shaping into things that cause you pain and suffering, in my opinion, would be the wrong kind of change. So far, I guess I've not physically been hurt by the happenings around me, but sometimes emotionally. And emotional pain is very much like physical pain as it harbours symptoms that creep up on you slowly, and lay you on your death bed faster than you could have noticed and cured it. Ailments that are life-long and hiding beneath the surface are the worst kinds: if you don't know about something you can't do much about it.

Lately I feel as though I've failed to make my dreams come true. I have not "succeeded" in material terms -- there is nothing much to show for these last couple of months without a job and with all the time in the world to spare. But the only way we learn is from mistakes, and although I can't necessarily track the mistakes I've made, I still have alot to take from how I spent my time, and want to spend it in the future. Procrastination is a huge deal for me, I suffer from the same confusion as most of the population. I think of how I want to experience a certain feeling or event right NOW, and I'd rather do that than think of the long term effect. But you know what, thinking of RIGHT NOW isn't the best way to go. There's a balance that needs to happen, a consideration of the future, of comfort between right now and right ahead. Perhaps sacrifice doesn't have to be made to be happy later on, just compromise, like a relationship. You give some, you take some, you even out in the long run. I don't know.

I love how these things sometimes become rants. I start my ranting with something in mind and then totally forget what my point was. Maybe that should be taken literally into the grander things in my life -- if I can't stay focused on the goal or the point, how am I supposed to get there in an organized fashion?

Philosophical Coffee Date

Today I had a great philosophical talk over coffee. It made me realize how much of me loves to try to solve the entire world. There's a lot of passion that comes out of me through theory and ideals and complex unsolvable equations. When I'm stuck in my head doing it, I feel so lost, down and under, unable to really appreciate what it is that life has to offer because there's just too much to think about. But when I express it, verbalize it to someone else, it tends to kind of work itself out in ways that are unexplainable. I don't come to a conclusion, instead I realize that the conclusion will never be there and that's the BEAUTY of it. Everything can be anything you wish it to be! And I always know this but I lose myself in meanings and words and translations and views and yaddayaydaydyaddaaaa. BLUH. Too much mumbojumbo. After using all those words you come clear with it: there are no words to express the MEANING of life. Let it be complicated. Let it be unsolvable. Enjoy not knowing, not controlling any of it.

SO MUCH PASSION! Thaaat's what was missing.

"It's not just the number of hours we're working, but also the fact that we spend too many continuous hours juggling too many things at the same time.

What we've lost, above all, are stopping points, finish lines and boundaries. Technology has blurred them beyond recognition. Wherever we go, our work follows us, on our digital devices, ever insistent and intrusive. It's like an itch we can't resist scratching, even though scratching invariably makes it worse." -- Tony Schwartz

"You wander from room to room
Hunting for the diamond necklace
That is already around your neck!" -- Rumi

EVERYTHING is about creativity right now. Everything is pushing me in certain directions, in places where I must look UP instead of DOWN. There is drive, somedays -- not every day -- but my goal is to appreciate both kinds of days. Ones which fulfill me with material, tangible results, and ones where my mind and soul has been replenished with nothingness (as nothingness is also quite its opposite, fullness).

Taking the smallest time to stop thinking and stop worrying is so crucial to health.

I just got a Thai massage and the stress release is immense. I even have a headache from it!

Starting your own business is a lot like cooking. You have to try many different variations of the same thing before it gets any good. You have to be patient, and willing to let it change both with your help and with outside help; for example, cookbooks. Without someone else's knowledge, you wouldn't be trying out this new recipe in the first place, and sometimes it takes more than one recipe before you find which is your favorite.

Make mistakes. Learn by doing. Make that risotto ten times before you've got it right. Same thing with your business. Use the tools around you to make things work, but don't use curry powder if the recipe doesn't call for it -- sure, it's delicious, but it won't do you any good with the dish you're making. If you're trying to market yourself correctly, you have to find the things that work for you and your business specifically. Find the recipe that works.

Today feels pretty magical. Yeah, it's raining outside ... whatever.

I went for coffee this morning, quite foggy brained. Not all that awesome, but either way I got my morning coffee at my favorite spot. GOOD! The walk back was brilliant, though. A few steps from the shop there layed a gallon of dark yellow paint, just what I need to paint my room and make it cozy. Nice! So I carried it along with me. Trees were prominent on my walk -- seems like it was today all the trees had been trimmed and the branches were left on the sidewalk. Bunches of them everywhere. Freshly cut trees stood bare naked on neighbor's lawns. I said hello, and looked up to see so many birdy nests, which also made me smile. If we don't get their beautiful folliage, at least we get to see what lies inside it all that time, invisible to our sight and in turn never even wondering about its contents. Now I got to see it in plain sight. Anyhow, getting carried away here with minute details... I walked along, feeling rejuvinated, and as I thought things couldn't get any better, I saw a cherry blossom. In BLOOM! The first of the season! It's not even Spring yet, one more month to be exact!

I LOVE THIS CITY. Even with its couple downfalls. What doesn't have it's good and bad qualities? I don't want to leave you ever, Victoria. Thanks for always "blooming".