Unbuckle your Seatbelt

stuff needs spewing
guts are exploding
happiness, insanity
resting still unsurely
of the volume
we speak
do we cause any
disturbance
destruction leading to rebuild
the civilizations we live in
unnoticed, unworried, blissfully
unsorted,
understood
though
that blissful ignorance
could lead to less desirable results
lest we do it anyway
keep repeating the same habits
sensations, emotions,
stuff running through the veins
just spill it, spew it already
who knows what
cleaning agents the blood can carry
rinse, lather, repeat in that order
and then you can come back
to a state of no bother.


Felt like writing a little blurb. When I write poetry I don't really think of the  words coming out, whether they make sense or not. I think this one kind of ended up making sense though! I like it.

OMG LYFE

The end of the summer was a real high for me. I came out of myself, I became extremely social and made so many new wonderful connections. Saw so much music, immersed myself in art, danced, and wandered in the night. It's almost like my inner child came out and taught my adult self important lessons. There are so many people in my life I'm thankful for, some of them not even knowing for very long but already having a strong bond, an instant connection. Life has been full of substance, of passion and love and spice! And coffee, lots of coffee.

I was so happy all summer and fall long, and so much so that I am strangely afraid of the lows coming. I know that life is made of ups and downs, and that life is not always OH MY GOD ITS SO BEAUTIFUL, and that I should appreciate even the dark corners of my mind. I say this because I feel it now, I feel the lull, the pressure again, and the uncertainty is creeping in. Self confidence is a big part of feeling great about life, and I've owned it over the past few months, but after all of it now I am noticing the aloneness of the world and the retreat and hibernation of the winter is creeping in on me. I live to make people happy, and when others have received all of what I can give, a threshold of happiness, I begin to wonder what to do with myself. I believe I've received as equally as I've been giving, so it's not a question of now needing more love to level it out. It's more like aiming the love inward again and learning that I should feel just as great without an output ... loving myself should be enough.  But is it? Is it wrong for me to want to keep giving and giving?

Insurance Friends

One of the most amazing things ever is meeting awesome people through my work. And THEN! Not only do I meet them here and think they're awesome, but I run into them out and about and they recognize me as their insurance agent and they had a really pleasant experience with me. And THEN! We start to cross paths all the time and become real friends!

The insurance biz ain't so bad.

Time & Patience

Time is exponentially increasing in speed. It's nuts. It's ridiculous! And also sort of exciting. Things are happening around us so fast we barely have time to graze them, let alone catch 'em and hold 'em. Everyone is in the same boat, it's happening to all of us, whether we're 25 years old or 60. Hey, at least we can all relate to time now, and not just the weather.

What makes time feel so fast? What's different today than was 10 or 15 years ago? I'm thinking maybe technology, and the increasingly high demands on the human being. The way we live today asks us to do everything at once, or else we can't keep up with growth and evolution of the company, or of the family, or even of the human race! Multi-tasking is risking a huge loss in focus and concentration. The best thing we could probably do for ourselves is learn how to shut off everything around us while working on one task. Sure, we may think that we're really, really good at speaking on the phone and driving and thinking of lunch all at the same time, but are we actually fully present in these circumstances? Me thinks not. And my theory is that if we took a step back from all of this stuff, we might experience time slowing down once again. Instant gratification, wanting everything right now -- and getting it, thanks to the internet and iphones and all this -- makes us so impatient, so easily unnerved and anxious! Patience, the understanding and acceptance of a lengthy amount of time between two tasks (or, by dictionary.com's terms: an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay) is a virtue not many embody today. Maybe meditation practise should be incorporated into the schooling system so that the new generation grows up with the patience most of us lack.

Anyway, time is fucked up.

That is all.

In the Fog

Thick with foreboding energy, creating a security blanket around the city before new times set in, the fog prepares us for autumn. I don't remember last year being this foggy, but I sure do love the vibe it creates. It's almost like a stillness, a quiet, comforting density that hugs us tightly before releasing us into the future. When I can't see very far in front of me I focus on my footsteps, and on the little details around me. There is no need to think too far ahead -- if I can't see it, there is no reason. It reminds me to let go, and trust that I always instinctively know where I'm going. There is nothing wrong with being where I am at this moment. Knowing that I do not know everything (and that I do not need to know) gives me a sense of ultimate freedom.

Alone or lonely?

Still trying to master staying at home by myself. Most times I end up trying to find something to do anywhere but home, and it truly does not fulfill me. And no matter how much I know this, I keep doing it again and again. Am I afraid to be alone? Am I afraid of being bored? Perhaps unseen. I have this weird personal theory that if I don’t see anyone  and they don’t see me then whatever I’m doing actually doesn’t exist. That’s probably wrong.

Feeling Lost

Feeling “lost” is a difficult state of mind. I’ve been in this as of late, although I think I know what I want. I’ve been reading books about how to get what I want. I’ve been soaking in my surroundings, trying to see what’s there for me, staying open to new opportunities. I have many personal projects I want to get started on, but my motivation to get these done is low lately. I wish there was a button to crank up my passion volume. I have love for my hobbies and activities inside my body – I can feel it, it’s right there – but I can’t pull it out efficiently. Actually, it shouldn’t be about efficiency whatsoever. It should just be done, whether I’m in the mood for it or not, whether my mind allows it to be fun or not.

When I had my fashion show at the end of the school year just a month or so ago it was the climax of my career as a fashion design student. Everything built up to it, and nothing could take it away. It was either I made it or I didn’t. I loved how much stuff there was to get done: planning, scheduling, fabricating, locating, searching, gathering … bringing to life. It was brilliant, and I felt brilliant also. I was in control and yet I had to trust that things and people around me would work out as efficiently as I had planned in my mind. I had a vision and even though only part of it was manifested, things got done and the show HAD to go on. I will forever be grateful for such an experience, as now I am measuring my new experiences against this larger-than-I accomplishment. I want something to mirror the way I felt when I was in it. I struggle by myself, so I know I need a conductor to my orchestra. I want to pick out the players in this orchestra, plan the concert, and then sit back and watch as my life – the music – plays itself.