"The border between discipline and habit is often hard to distinguish, but that is precisely the difference that you have to keep in mind at this time. Habit is mindless and unconscious, whereas discipline is self- imposed and suited to achieving your goals."

Hard to take... but must be taken.

Oh happy day!

I love days where you're HIT in the face with realization.

Now I know what I have to do. It's scary, but I know. Reading with mom totally confirms it all. I have to do some sorting through of my surroundings: let go of imperminance, useless activities, mindless actions, and more specifically let go of the people who serve no purpose in my life! I must find the strength in me that lets me do this, that lets me tell people straight up that they just aren't benefitting any positive aspect of my life anymore/yet.

Today I floated around aimlessly. I went to the Cornerstone and thought I might just read. Of course, this didn't happen, as it's the Cornerstone! Always running into friends. I had an amazing talk with an amazing person, who I actually do look up to quite a bit (she has no idea). Her being encompasses my want for becoming stronger and more persuasive of my dreams, of knowing what I want.

My new years resolution is to be more proactive. Less procrastination, more production. I've been wanting to do more art and it hasn't happened, but I know that's because I still need to find the right people. Today I ran into two (actually, kind of three). Very random, both very influencial and artistic idols of mine who've done some really great stuff around Victoria. I remember I wrote down in my journal that I wanted to find more people to do this stuff with -- there ya go, Lyds! Right in your face, you better take this opportunity.

So now what I need to do is filter. Filter the people I want around me. There are lots of great personalities, but that's all they are. It's a waste of time right now, and I need to get down to business. Make stuff!! Have a few people you want to (..need to) see once in a while, and the rest shouldn't matter. Discipline, organization and growth. Come out fresh, emerging new artist when you've done all the work. Don't worry, they'll all be there when you come out. They might see something in me that inspires them, too, which would be amazing. I'd love to inspire people.

YES, YES YES! "To say yes to one instant, is to say yes to all of eternity."

Today was a great day, until I got to work. Once I got here I realized how much I didn't want to be here. It wasn't only my brain thinking it -- it was materializing itself into my physical symptoms as well. My eyes are heavy, my head is foggy, my legs and back are weak. Thing is, I know it's all my state of mind that could change it in a heartbeat, but it's not always that easy. Sometimes we don't know what's weighing us down. Only way you can fix a problem is knowing what that problem is in the first place.

So I decided to gather some "happy" quotes to boost me up and make me realize that no one else can make me happy but myself! Hope you enjoy these as much as I did.

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” (Mark Twain)

“If you want to be happy, be.” (Leo Tolstoy)

“Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by - product.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

“Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.” (Fyodor Dostoevsky)

“Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.” (Stacey Charter)

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” (Nathaniel Hawthorne)

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” (Dalai Lama)

“Happiness is a Swedish sunset; it is there for all, but most of us look the other way and lose it.” (Mark Twain)

“The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.” (Doug Larson)

Woah! Cool thing.

I'm at the office. My co-worker Matt is playing this great song "Mad World" by Gary Jules. I loveee this song! He played it about 3 or 4 times on repeat until he finally got sick of playing it. About 5 minutes later, I hear the song come on. But this time, it's not coming from Matt's computer ... it's coming from the radio! The station we have on at work played the same song 5 minutes after he had it on repeat. This station has NEVER played that song before. And I would have known because I love it! I turned around to look at Matt, he looked at me, we both went "HUUUUH?!!!" and couldn't believe our ears.

We're still a little shaken. In a great way! Very cool.

I just said goodbye to my closest friend. My dearest friend. He was so close to my heart, and although I knew this already it always hits you much harder once they leave you. I won't even repeat the saying, cause we all know how it is.

I cried so much; I cried on the bus ride to work, and on the walk here, and at work too ... I couldn't help myself. I'm not a cryer, not at all. My body and mind hurt because of thinking back on it too much. This probably won't fade away too soon.

I dislike pity. It's a horrible emotion to be beamed. When something like this happens you just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry all alone for a couple hours, but I didn't get to do that. Instead I got to publicly display it to everyone commuting back home this afternoon. First time I've ever not been able to hold it in.

He taught me so much. I thank him for so many things I've learned throughout our year and a half long relationship. He was the one person who you could sit with and not say a word, all the while still knowing exactly what the other person's feeling. I never had to explain myself, nor did I have to hold back when I wanted to say what was on my mind. It was a clear channel, an unconditional kind of love that is irreplaceable. Unique in every way, our connection was stronger than I've ever known one to be. He's involved with a wonderful lady, and I'm happy he left room in his heart for me too.

Feels like if you stop thinking about someone you love so much, you're betraying them. Forgetting that you're sad stops feeding the ego, stops feeding emotion, stops perpetuating the harsh truth that is the fact that you are alone now. Sure, I could accept it and move on. But I don't want to. As a human being, I want to experience being torn apart by his leaving. Selfish, really, but flattering for him in a way. I know he wouldn't want me to be upset though. I don't blame him one bit, but I'm going to hold on to this for a while until my soul's fed on it enough. This is the side of me I keep hidden at all times. Emotional, Lydia? Yeah right, as if I could hide it from everyone. I try really hard but they still all know that I'm probably the most emotional person they've ever met ... I just don't show it all too well.

Anyway, enough ranting. I love you, Jason Donaldson! Miss you already.

Let go of consequence.
Live more in the moment.
Do not care what others think.
Always say what's on your mind.
Be more present and aware.
Never have any expectations.
Love all human beings.
Love all things non-human.
Love yourself entirely.

Should you fail to pilot your own ship, don't be surprised at what inappropriate port you find yourself docked.