What makes my heart beat is knowing that I've immortalized a fleeting moment.

Astro.com -- best source for free daily horoscopes. Just btw.

I've been feeling down since about 2 days ago and wondering what the heck is happening to my brain. Seriously a 360 degree spin from how I felt about 2 weeks ago, when I felt my entire life finally coming into place, opportunities lining up and things organized and functioning 100%. Hurray! Easy coasting from now on! But the moment I thought this was the case, life threw a big cement block on me (quite literally, considering my previous post). Although my car being totaled was a God-send, it was a landmark for something greater spinning into existence.

I've been wanting to set goals and spin all of my actions around them. Not as easily done than said, obviously. I experimented with a few "things" this weekend and after such a dramatic change in my perception, my surroundings don't seem the same. I was warned about this happening, but at first I didn't see too much of a change. My mind's chatter has taken over, and it's not telling me much of anything useful or positive at all. Seems that the world is in a dark haze, and the weather reflects it too (or am I reflecting the weather?) My horoscope totally reflects every sudden change, and I feel a little bit less guilty knowing that the universe is projecting me in this direction (must be something good waiting for me at the end of this dull grey rainbow...) Is it because we always expect a higher power to solve our problems, to rescue us from the debris? Will we ever blame ourselves for our mistakes or for our accomplishments, or will this trend continue? Personally, I like to think of it as a reciprocation between my outside world and my inner world. Without one, you don't have the other. Therefore, the planets are reflecting my confusion and my surroundings are gloomy because of my attitude. In turn, because of the planets I'm feeling confused and because of the weather I feel gloomy.

Doesn't sound like it makes much sense but really, it makes all kinds of sense.

But really who cares about sense anyway, other than the left hemisphere of your brain?

"The Universe" (as much as I hate giving away all credit to its grandeur) has its own ways of helping you right along. A random "act of God" -- or so they call it -- happened on Sunday the 10th (10-10-10, check it out!) I was parked outside of my work, just like any other regular work day when I heard my alarm go off. I stepped outside to discover that my car had been smooshed under a tall statue of somekind. It was hard to comprehend the sight before me for a few minutes. My vehicle was parked right next to a big cement block of a post, which held up a clearance sign. A frequent customer of ours attempted to clear it and failed miserably, which resulted in a warm embrace between the post and my car.

My car was totaled, there was no doubt about it. I laughed at what had just happened, and wasn't struck by it half as much as my car was. Actually, I found this to be a miracle, a random act that set me free from making a decision of my own: To get rid of the car, or not to get rid of the car? All summer I had wanted to stop driving and just bike around town. I was too lazy to get it up to tip-top shape again and put it on the market, so I just kept driving. This solved my dilemma in one quick "tumble".

My driving and getting around isn't the only thing affected by the incident. From this, I will most likely have to find myself a new job closer to home as well, which is another thing I've been avoiding. Quitting has been on my mind for almost a year, but nothing's happened to show me that it should be done -- until now. From one tiny little incident on a day like any other, my whole life is subject to change, and quickly. Funny how "The Universe" makes those decisions for you when you're really strugglin' by yourself.

Here's the article published in the newspaper the next day!
http://www.timescolonist.com/Uptown+bang+falls/3662808/story.html

Over the past few days I've been contemplating relationships. I've been single for about a year and a half, and it still feels as good as ever. Still, almost daily, my mind wanders to some vast romantic void where I've fallen in love and I worry nevermore about being alone. But is that satisfying? Perhaps to some.

I don't know about you, but I can't go more than a whole day with the same person. I need to get out, breathe, expand, contract, form my own ideas again ... I feel quite suffocated and exhausted after trailing along with someone, be it anyone, even the family! Even the closest of close friends will eventually feel excessive. I cannot go a day without seeing someone I love or at least admire, but I also cannot go a day without my solitude and privacy.

There's no way to draw a conclusion with something like this. There's no "I'd rather be this" or "I'd rather be that". Because every single day, every single waking moment changes as your attitude and perspective does. But I do feel that for now, the best way to be able to get all these different aspects of relationship from those around me is to stay "single" (although I don't know how I could even call myself that considering I have a bundle of people around me that I'd struggle without). Love all of it; those who come and go, those who stay, those who know what to say to stop your crying or to make you laugh your ass off at most inappropriate times.

Just know that the next moment will be totally different. It's either your mind stays the same throughout and has difficulty accepting change, or you leave your mind perceptive and open to change and let it warp along with those changes.

Ramble ramble ramble.

Drawing Philosophy

Funny. Funny how some days you pick up a pencil and you draw that figure like it's no one's business. Other days -- thankfully, they're rare -- you can't put two and two together no matter how hard you try. I find that from day to day, my visual perception of things changes dramatically, and I notice this when I put pencil to paper. Most times I won't know what kind of day it is until I start sketching.

What is it that makes you able to connect your eye to your hand? Is it space in your brain, occupied by other thoughts? Being able to clear your mind so you can let some kind of "creative energy" flow through? I've made some different connections to my drawing abilities which I'm going to try to list.

1) Shapes, blocks, negative and positive space are what my eyes grab instantly.

2) I'm not even aware that I'm using my eyes at all, it's more of a "feeling" of knowing what I'm drawing.

3) My hand and my body is loose, eager, always waiting for that next stroke, whereas some days it's a struggle to get the hand to move at all.

4) Doubt. Doubt that what I'm doing is right, judging every move I make -- from the very start knowing the drawing is blotched.

5) Feeling disconnected from the image, not relating to the subject. Sometimes there is a connection to the object/subject even though I'm not familiar with it at all, every curve I draw being familiar and cozy.

6) Stress? I'm feeling a bit more anxious today. That alters your state of mind and reception to incoming emotions (yes, I would refer to drawing as being emotional).

7) Visualization. Some days I can totally see the picture on the paper already. So then, it's almost feeling like I'm tracing over the image that my mind is projecting onto the page. So easy.

I guess I'm going to have to update this as I find new things out. Today, my brain feels a little bit more foggy, I do admit. So no matter how hard I try I can't draw what I want to be drawing. But perhaps this calls for another style of drawing? Perhaps less realism? Maybe my hand would move easier if it weren't constrained to certain lines and specific subjects. One moment, let me test this theory...

Ah yes. Feels much more comfortable without guidelines today. Wonder if I could do an anatomical drawing and get some good results.

So I can gauge my mood on my drawing abilities. Now, can I alter my mood by altering my drawing style? Or perhaps vice versa?

Fifty-4

You are so in control, at all times, even when you don't realise it. I read somewhere once that a positive thought can out-power numerous amounts of negative thoughts; this was certainly true for me when I felt stressed last night. Going to meet my client, I had some bad habitual patterns repeating in my mind as I drove over there: "It's going to be hard to communicate, I don't know what to say, things won't go the way I want them to" and all that nonsense jazz. I caught myself swimming in these horrible thoughts and decided that I was in control of my own life and thinking this way would get me absolutely nowhere. As much as I was still feeling my heart beat faster and faster as I approached my destination, I overlapped my negative thoughts with powerful positive ones. "I am in control, I always have the upper hand, I am the boss of my own life, everything I do and say is taken the right way, conversation flows, things will go so smoothly and be over and done with quickly".

The results surprised me. As I was telling myself these things, changing my thoughts around, I was definitely aware of the stress my body was having to endure. It might still go wrong since my body wasn't feeling the same as what I was telling it to be feeling. Boy was I wrong, though! During the meeting I realized that everything I'd told myself had come to be true once I entered the "scene". I was like a writer narrating what was about to happen, and even if the main character was hard to picture in such a situation, it just played itself out beautifully. After the meeting was over, I was so proud of myself and felt like a million bucks.

You prove these things over and over to yourself. But everyday you forget the power of it. Just keep remembering, though, because it really does get you through. If you want it, speak it, and if you don't feel it -- yet -- then just know for a fact you will when it's required to be felt, and everything will work out to be most beneficial for you when the time comes.

Fifty-3

A philosophy on relationships, by Tom Robbins:

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”