Caught

Illness.

Not just any illness. This one is freight with bad karma, with assumption, with judgement, which are all projected by my own mind onto the world. This one isn't a regular flu, and as much as I told myself this for two years there was no way to know for sure. It's uneasy. Dis-easing. 

For the first few days it was really easy, my mind still somewhat clear and able to "gogogo" (at a slower pace of course). But then came the long fatigue and the exhaustion, the need to oversleep and to stop, to really stop. I'm no good at stopping, even though I had been trying to stop for months since the summer's work was over. The symptoms aren't sharp nor alarming; they're nothing to really fuss over. I feel like I've had more painful flus. My symptoms so far have been:

loss of smell (and therefore taste)

fever and chills

unregulated body temps

can't sleep a full night

painful eyes (so painful)

headaches, close to eyes

aching left side of neck, almost electric

hypersensitivity in my upper back

generally aching muscles

dullness and lack of interest

get full quickly, stomach hurts

quick heart beat

I've had to nap for 2 or 3 hours daily. Covid friends have come by, but it seems to deplete rather than replenish. I have eaten soup every day, tea concoctions, taken medicine every few hours. The lack of tastebuds helps with taking these down, but it hinders my joy for cooking up comforting meals. It's been about 8 days and I still feel really rough, each day surprising me with one step forward or one step back.

I'm into it - into this interesting battle - but I'd much rather be done now. I'd much rather be done, and yet I still don't wish I had been vaccinated. The fear of the vaccine's side effects in my body is greater than the fear of the side effects of Covid. I think many of them are similar actually, but the illness seems more natural for me to go through than an injection. And once I pull through to the other side of this, I can rest easy with immunity. The same can't be said about the vaccine. Maybe I'm foolish. Maybe I'm choosing to find facts that argue my position. If I had side effects from the shot, I'd be silenced and gaslighted. Having side effects from Covid, I would be heard and listened to, and maybe even made an example of in the media. "She could have avoided this had she been vaccinated". Yes, but at least you trust my illness. You wouldn't trust my cry for help after a vaccine injury.

It's always been scary to be sick, pre-Covid and all. Now my mind wanders to wondering what will become of my heart, of my lungs, of my active mind. I meditate on health and love, I bring in the light. Yet no matter, there is still fear inside, fear of being someone who doesn't recover, who recovers 90%, who dies. Yeah, extreme, I know. I've never been in this position before, and I never knew what it would be like. I didn't expect myself to feel so weak, but weakness is the truth: there is no control over this body other than what I choose to feed it. Don't worry, I don't feel like I'm dying. It's only a mind-based fear.

I "wanted" to write this, and yet there is so little of wanting anything in me. Even the sense of wanting is dull when I experience it. So this isn't elegant, it's not artful. I wish I could say this sickness brought visions or poetry or higher states of consciousness. Nope. It's boring as fuck.

Initiatory moment

illness allows for the closest thing to an initiatory moment (moments lost in mythic time and space); the emergence into light after so much somatic experiencing of the darkness, the pain and suffering, the fear of death.

Accomplish

Hard to know if I have ever accomplished enough. What is the measure? What is the scale? When will I rest, in peace, able to look back on accomplishments and be satiated, satisfied? The ego is strong, pulling me into constant motion, relentless in its search for approval and atonement. What is my measure of success? What must I prove, to others, but most importantly myself, in order to truly and fully surrender to nothingness?

Divine Principle

"Consider the Spirit as a warm, pulsating, reciprocal thing. It presses against us, it flows through us. It is our intelligence. It is a great universal urge and surge. It is a warm colorful thing. It is a beautiful thing. It cannot be put into words. You can only feel it. But consider the Law as a cold fact, nothing else. It has no motive of its own. It is just a power, a blind force, but it is an intelligent, an executing and immutable force. The law is the servant of the Spirit. Consider creation -- whether it be the vast body of the Cosmos or the suit of clothes or dress we have on -- as some effect of intelligence operating through law and you have the whole proposition as clear as can be that there is a power in the universe which knows, a law which does, a creation which corresponds. Creation does not respond; it only corresponds. Now that is what we mean when we speak of Divine Principle. Divine Principle is not God any more than electricity is God. It is a law of God, just as electricity is a law of God. It is a mental law of cause and effect. When you impress your thought upon it, it is its nature to take that thought and execute it. If there is destruction in the thought, it must destroy. If there is good in the thought, it will execute goodness or healing. This is the principle governing spiritual science, and unless such a principle were, spiritual science could not be. Know that there is something more than law; an intelligence to which we may come for inspiration, for guidance, for direction; a power responding to us, a Presence pressing against us, an animation flowing through us, a light within us."

- Ernest Holmes, "Science of Mind"

Capacity to receive

The great lesson is that life delivers itself into our capacity to receive it. The outpouring from the cosmic horn of plenty can only fill the cup that is lifted up toward it. A pail turned on its side cannot be filled with rain from heaven. 

- Ernest Holmes

sitting with fruit

divine

eyes

olive

skin

natural

cotton  

winged

back

melodic

stride

original 

sin

tropical

fruit

dancing

tips

cheshire

smile

held

breath

soft

delivery

seeking

mind

yearning

spirit

divine

eyes

Gifts of books and pencils

I ventured out into the rain for a cup of warm something. It ended up being chai. My goal was to sit with myself and sit with the words I had read from my newly magically acquired book, "Essential Writings of Ernest Holmes". 

The finding of this book merits its own explanation; I stumbled upon it the night before, while on my psilocybin-enduced walk around the neighbourhood, after asking the "void" for personal development tools. I walked down and around well-known streets, until I was almost home and decided to take a right into a dimly-lit - somewhat eery - parking lot. I followed my feet, and my blurry vision of what seemed like a children's park at the end of the driveway, and in the corner of my eye appeared a dark box on a stick. My mind couldn't register it at first as it wasn't what I was expecting, and then realized it was a Free Tiny Library. Overjoyed to have found a new one in my hood, I stepped over slowly and wondered what Life had in store for me in here. The first book I found was "The Happiness Project", a book I had seen before in a bookstore. It wasn't what I needed, although right next to it was my book. I'd never heard of Ernest Holmes before! I opened it to a page and noticed there were an exaggerated amount of Capitalized words in it. God. The One. The Eternal. The Creative Power. All these words that made me cringe just a little, but perfectly so. 

I walked home with delight, gold in hand. 

I sensed I had purposefully walked into the night to retrieve what I had left for myself to discover. So far, this book has reminded me of personal power which I had left behind and forgotten years and years ago, a power that I have spoken of in this here blog at least a decade ago. I have lost my magical view of the world, and I intend on getting it back. I have learned much of the physical world, and how to assert myself properly in it, and what words to use for what I am trying to convey, and which posture to assume as I say something with meaning ... now I can rest in knowing that I have learned enough to go back to my mind, and focus on the health of my soul once more. Lay back in the essence of the metaphysical, so it can quench my spirit and feed me with the substance I seek to create pieces that hold intention and meaning once more.

Back to my rainy chai moment! With this spiritual fervor ignited I opened up to the possibility of everything. There was nothing totally different about this time and this day, other than the fat heavy rain pouring down, creating clutters of humans under doorways and street awnings, but I was happy to be here. I wanted the present moment to offer me something magical, something so simple yet effective to remind me that I am on purpose. I was shown just this, in a very unusual package: an older man, hunched over, assisted by a cane, waiting on the patio with his cup of joe and leather briefcase for a spot to open so as not to have to sit out in the rain. I witnessed his dilemma and quickly offered him the chair across from my table, which he was grateful for. He saw me for a split second - notepad and book on table - and asked if I was a writer. "Nope" I said with a smile, and didn't say much else so that I could focus on doing the thing he proclaimed I did. It was mostly reading, much less writing, but quickly my mind turned to the question he posed, "Are you a writer?" Why did I answer no? What makes one a writer? I sat with it for a while, read some passages, wrote them down, and when I peeked up at him he was writing in a little orange notepad. I realized he had asked me this question because he himself was a writer. So on my way out I decided to ask him. "What makes someone a writer?" He didn't have an answer for me, but smiled big in delight of a conversation about writing. I mentioned that I am an artist, and it took me years and years to admit to myself and the world that I was. He said he was going to be an artist next, once he finished writing his book. I told him, well, you're an artist right now, and I am a writer right now! We giggled, unsure of what it all meant, and he reached into the depths of his bag and offered me an unopened case of drawing pencils! Another random gift from the Universe. The pencils are mainly symbolic: I set out intentionally into the world and the world intentionally showed me its gifts. Cal and I exchanged emails and that was that.

A small happening. A big gesture. An affirmation of my choosing Love and Joy in every moment. I am ready to immerse myself in the beautiful intricate metaphysical world again so I may create from this place from now on (as I once did), even when it may seem nonsensical at times. My intuition is that the belief in a beautiful, magical world will propel me forward into such a world, and perhaps even ripple outward to others also.

Flight

winged creatures;

hopping around 

buzzing by a bush

swooping from the sky

brown and beige

yellow and black

green purple and grey

winged creatures;

after my crumbs

after my blood

after my clean car

 

Future of Alone

After a very good visit with mom for her birthday, I am left with some good advice. You know, I haven't really listened to my mom this way in a long time. I think I've stopped listening to her advice, because it's always contradictory to what I want to be doing. If I have a positive idea, she will caution me of the side effects. If I have a negative view, she will remind me that there's hope on the other side. She's always playing devil's advocate, and really, she's the reason I have - what I believe to be - a good moral compass, and a non-judgemental approach to the world (albeit perhaps slightly skewed towards skepticism).  In this situation, when I told her I was afraid of losing those I have held dear when I make my next life move, she said I was worrying for nothing. 

I have been afraid of ending up alone. Alone here. Alone there. Wherever it is that I go, I fear losing the people that fill me with joy and intrigue, finding myself deserted or, worse, stuck living amongst people that don't inspire me or don't see life the way I do. Mom reminded me that no matter where I go, there's always people. It's actually quite hard to escape humans.  At the beginning of the pandemic, just having returned from my three month travels down south, I thought for sure I was doomed to loneliness. A pandemic, locked at home with nowhere to go, meant it would be hopeless to meet anyone new, let alone to live a life filled with human connection. I was devastated, but I managed. Once coming to terms with a bad hand, I figured I'd really get into it and just live the best life I could within these shitty circumstances. There was a short period of time where I learned to live well without much contact with the outside world. But it didn't take long before I found myself surrounded by interesting new people, quickly becoming good friends. New kinds of friends, personalities I could never have imagined by my side. Somehow, during a very isolating time, a new core group of friends emerged. These people now inspire me, push me, love me, challenge me, and I want to give them my whole heart, help them, listen deeply, understand them, and hold them during challenging times. I could never have anticipated this, let alone crafted this on my own; there had to be a whole universe conspiring for me.

So this brings me back to the fear of "being alone" in the future. Or being surrounded by those I don't resonate with. My past can only contradict these unfounded fears. I am more powerful than I give myself credit for. If I want something, I can get it, and I don't necessarily have to know how I'll end up getting what I want. I am starting to believe more and more in the trusting of unfolding. Maybe some will come and go. Maybe I will be alone for a time. Maybe I will end up alone for a lifetime. But how do I know what I'll feel like in my new life? Who says I wouldn't be overjoyed to be alone? What's so bad about being alone anyway? What if I have been preparing to enter this next phase of life, where I cocreate with the quiet stillness of nature rather than with humans? What if I am capable of so much more than I ever thought possible, with my own two hands, without depending on anyone else ... capable of crafting a more beautiful world my heart knows is possible, so that others may enter when they are there to enter, not because I demand them to be here?

Not sure what the future holds. Not sure what I want it to hold. 

But I don't want to let fear of aloneness stop any of it.

Mom says she loves being alone. Could I grow to be more like my mother as I grow older?

What's next?

I sense a stirring inside of my being calling me to witness. Come forward to sit back and listen. To wait, but wait with wonder and anticipation, so as not to miss a beat in the unfolding of a new path. This sensation isn't new, but it has been a long time since I've felt it; an uneasiness, unsettling, but strangely comfortable, driving me toward the fear rather than away from it. I am the Fool, on the precipice of a cliff, about to jump in without knowing what's below. It's exciting, invigorating ... while I feel somewhat irrational for experiencing this blind faith that something is coming for me. 

I haven't taken the time to sit with it and meditate on these deep stirrings. That's coming next. For now, only time will tell what's beyond ... whatever it is, I'll be ready.

New Beginnings!

(BLESSING) FOR A NEW BEGINNING 

John O'Donohue 

In out-of-the-way places of the heart, 

Where your thoughts never think to wander, 

This beginning has been quietly forming, 

Waiting until you were ready to emerge. 

For a long time it has watched your desire, 

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you, 

Noticing how you willed yourself on, 

Still unable to leave what you had outgrown. 

It watched you play with the seduction of safety 

And the gray promises that sameness whispered, 

Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent, 

Wondered would you always live like this. 

Then the delight, when your courage kindled, 

And out you stepped onto new ground, 

Your eyes young again with energy and dream, 

A path of plenitude opening before you. 

Though your destination is not yet clear 

You can trust the promise of this opening; 

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning 

That is at one with your life's desire. 

Awaken your spirit to adventure; 

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk; 

Soon you will home in a new rhythm, 

For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

----

New Moon in Virgo

The New Moon in Virgo, occurring on September 6th, invites us to fall in love with the inner-workings behind the scenes. Virgo reigns over the realm of meticulous choreography. The Virgo new moon slots into place in an invigorating trine with Uranus; our value systems, markets, production chains, and relationship to the Earth are all subject to its upheavals.

Saturn in Aquarius will not allow us to sweep reality under the rug.

With the Virgo New Moon plugged into this dynamic, we enter the practical readjustments of navigating alarming realities. This New Moon helps us to be flexible and rapidly transform our systems of organization.

Though Virgo is more comfortable with graphs, spreadsheet columns and empirical evidence, the Moon’s subsequent opposition to Neptune asks us to tap into earthen magic. The gods in mycelium, flower essences, and the spirits of the land itself have much to say when we care to bring our ears to the ground.

And care we should.

Venus’ ingress into Scorpio on September 10th will help us be brave in severing the relationships, resources and value systems that no longer serve the gravity of this moment.

What fabulous new frontiers are you mapping in the Virgo corner of your chart? How can you hold space for the uncertainty of this transition, while you take a calculated leap of faith?

Show resistance through art, joy, trust and love

From Hopi Indian Chief White Eagle

This moment humanity is experiencing can be seen as a door or a hole. The decision to fall in the hole or walk through the door is up to you. If you consume the news 24 hours a day, with negative energy, constantly nervous, with pessimism, you will fall into this hole.

But if you take the opportunity to look at yourself, to rethink life and death, to take care of yourself and others, then you will walk through the portal.

Take care of your home, take care of your body. Connect with your spiritual home. When you take care of yourself, you take care of everyone at the same time.

Do not underestimate the spiritual dimension of this crisis. Take the perspective of an eagle that sees everything from above with a broader view. There is a social question in this crisis, but also a spiritual question. The two go hand in hand.

Without the social dimension we fall into fanaticism. Without the spiritual dimension, we fall into pessimism and futility.

Are you ready to face this crisis?  Grab your toolbox and use all the tools at your disposal.

Learn resistance from the example of Indian and African peoples: we have been and are exterminated. But we never stopped singing, dancing, lighting a fire and rejoicing.

Be free of guilt for feeling blessed in these troubled times. Being sad or angry does not help at all. Resistance is resistance through joy!

You have the right to be strong and positive. And there is no other way to do it than to maintain a beautiful, happy, bright posture.

Has nothing to do with alienation (ignorance of the world). It is a resistance strategy.

When we cross the threshold, we have a new worldview because we faced our fears and difficulties. This is all you can do now:

- Serenity in the storm

- Keep calm, pray everyday

- Make a habit of meeting the sacred everyday.

Show resistance through art, joy, trust and love.

Giving Meaning

Micro, macro, and the unknown
All of the layers in between
All the things we assume about the world
While the natural world simply exists
The struggle to understand, give meaning to things
The meaning we inscribe to community, humans, 

to feel better about not knowing

Ground: shaken - Vision: blurred - Future: uncertain

There is only the illusion of control - as if I could protect myself through knowing I've organized, planned, figured it all out down to the last box of provisions or gallon of paint - but underneath all this false preparation are constant unknowns. What-ifs. But-hows. Then-whats. Security and stability are not safe words to utter in this new reality; I think we are all learning this while living through the ambiguity of a never-ending pandemic. Social and ecological climates come to a head and now truly highlight existential risk, so now we scramble. I am sensitive to this collective consciousness - now ridden with anxiety and despair - as there are no specifics, no ground to stand on, no one to go to for answers, no trustworthy source of information. There is no other way for me to handle the intensity than with presence, trust, and simply learning to be still and feel the feels. Turning inward for solutions. I think this might be the most useful list of "skills", above all other types of illusory physical preparations for the unknown and inevitable.

I am content, find happiness and joy in most moments, and I feel loved... but I also feel powerless as I witness the world crumble and our freedoms fray, as if I were bound in chains and my chest couldn't expand fully to take a deep breath. Ultimately, I am indeed bound; bound in this 5'something box of a human that is limited and vulnerable and so very much dependent on everyone around me to live this good life I am living. I am living a good life, such a good life it seems fraudulent and frail. I watch the life I am living slowly filter through the shredder, from an out-of-body perspective, and my heart - the only thing keeping me tied to the living earth - is beating faster and faster as this machine's teeth approach my feet.

A day of connections at work

One after another, the folks came by and interacted with me. I suppose I had an inviting charm, even just sitting there, facing a wall, holding a paintbrush and focused intently doing my thing. Today I welcomed them in, starting conversations and asking deep questions about their lives. I am not sure what they are thinking in those moments of disturbance - in that time when they say something aloud to me - but some days I appreciate the distraction away from the work, and others I am irritated and annoyed. It oscillates between the two, and I imagine it is because of an imaginary (but very real) reserve of energy, from which one day I pour myself fully out and the next I pay for leaving myself not a trace of it. The dry spell of the next day slows me down and leaves my skin and eardrums extremely sensitive.

Yet I live for these moments. Connection with strangers, doorways to sameness, to relating, to understanding, to being seen, to perhaps change someone's life with one smile or one word of encouragement. Cyril was a friendly indigenous man who started speaking of his adult life without a partner, raising children and believing that "to be a man, and to have anything worthwhile to give a woman, he must be well off and have something to give her". The whole story of man as provider. Then there was Lee, a retired insurance broker with a tiny dog who explained that now that she has moved here post-retirement from Toronto and her sight has diminished "first 20/20, then 20/40, then 20/60", she is waiting for it to get bad enough to claim her horrible sight on her insurance to get "New Eyes", a new technology which looks like goggles but gives the blind new eyes! She also mentioned her investigative nature, reading crime sci fi novels - 5 a month or so compared to 5 a year - and her love of solving problems and finding solutions. I also met Jimmy, a man on a bike with a helmet full of rainbow stickers, who saw my attention to detail and asked me for my information as he'd like me to airbrush his motorcycle. Yesterday Clay showed up, a man living in Tiny Town, appreciating and really connecting with the artwork, with such a good understanding of colour and line and composition and theme and meaning, it blew me away. 

It's nice to write their stories. It's nice to focus on others.

Nectar

Today I witnessed a bee retrieving nectar from dainty little white and red flowers - sexy little danglers - which I have discovered after the fact are called "Salvia Hot Lips". It reached deep into every center, the flower's curves and contours seemingly asking for the intrusion. I thought to myself in that moment, I wonder what it feels like to be a flower, a Being possessive of such Godly golden dust, always vulnerable, open, ready to be devoured at any moment, giving selflessly... 

Would it feel ecstatic and orgasmic, to be suckled and tickled by every desiring visitor?  

On trusting myself

Yesterday my thoughts charmed me into wanting to do the opposite of what I am instinctively drawn to do. So far I have found that - if I tally in some strange way - when I am drawn to, say, an impulse such as going in the direction of an attractive man (whom in that one moment I have made into my future lover), it mostly turns out not "working out". They aren't attracted to me equally. I am not interested in them afterall. They are unavailable. They are this. They are that. I thought perhaps I should let go of such nonsense and change direction completely when I am under that influence. Yet today I realize that everything that is seemingly "unfruitful" - in the way that it was unsuccessful for partnership - has led me to the insights I am now blessed to be having. I have had the most beautiful spiritual openings the past two days, after a hard crash of the ego self from feeling rejection by someone who I was hopeful about, someone who sent my senses for a spin and made my thoughts go to the future. It was a brief encounter, and I managed to build a whole world around him (no wonder I went crashing).

So I thought: I must never crash again! What uselessness to involve myself so deeply in projections of the future with a man whom I don't know! 

But might this be the wrong way to think? What if I love these circumstances more than getting to settle and getting what I imagined? What if my growth is relative to the amount of fear I experience? It is scary to embark on quests such as romance, either with a complete stranger or with a friend I have known for years. Ultimately, they all lead to the same place: here.

What I am unsure of is what I "should" or "should not" be following. My instincts, my guts, my inner voice, my wisdom, this stuff that drags me to one direction or another, that allows me to choose, are unruly and untamed. Morals have a slight say in which is preferable,  but naturally I will act on a personal code that gets me what I think I want. Now, what is to say that one event is more or less successful than another? How can I rate my success of having listened to my inner chatter or my heartbeat in hindsight when everything has lined up perfectly to this moment? Who am I to say that being here is not as good as being there? Walking does not require careful examination and choice of every step, and yet we end up at the grocery store to buy the necessities. Does choosing the next move really depend on weighing options so diligently and carefully so as to not go in the wrong direction? What if there is no such thing as the wrong direction?

So many questions this morning. I haven't questioned in a while, not really. I mean, there are always questions, but not ones that shake my foundation and the way that I live my life. This one might be one of those. 

Keep Pouring Out

What is waiting to come through me once I have really let it all go? Once I’ve made room for it? Have I made enough room yet? I am so ready for filling my cup, but I am not the Judge. I am not the one who says when it’s enough. I am the one who keeps letting go of control and who trusts that everything is in its right place.

Art & Fear goodies

by David Bayles

The hardest part of artmaking is living your life in such a way that your work gets done, over and over - and that means, among other things, finding a host of practices that are just plain useful. A piece of art is the surface expression of a life lived within productive patterns. They allow confidence and concentration. They allow not knowing. They allow the automatic and unarticulated to remain so. Once you have found the work you are meant to do, the particulars of any single piece don't matter all that much.

The 15 Commitments

For Conscious Leadership

Jim Dethmer

1. I commit to taking full responsibility for the circumstances of my life, and my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing. I commit to support others to take full responsibility for their lives. 

2. I commit to growing in self-awareness. I commit to regarding every interaction as an opportunity to learn. I commit to curiosity as a path to rapid learning. 

3. I commit to feeling my feelings all the way through to completion. They come, and I locate them in my body then move, breathe and vocalize them so they release all the way through. 

4. I commit to saying what is true for me. I commit to being a person to whom others can express themselves with candor. 

5. I commit to ending gossip, talking directly to people with whom I have an issue or concern, and encouraging others to talk directly to people with whom they have an issue or concern. 

6. I commit to the masterful practice of integrity, including acknowledging all authentic feelings, expressing the unarguable truth and keeping my agreements. 

7. I commit to living in appreciation, fully opening to both receiving and giving appreciation. 

8. I commit to expressing my full magnificence, and to supporting and inspiring others to fully express their creativity and live in their zone of genius. 

9. I commit to creating a life of play, improvisation, and laughter. I commit to seeing all of life unfold easefully and effortlessly. I commit to maximizing my energy by honoring rest, renewal and rhythm. 

10. I commit to seeing that the opposite of my story is as true or truer than my original story. I recognize that I interpret the world around me and give my stories meaning. 

11. I commit to being the source of my security, control and approval.  

12. I commit to experiencing that I have enough of everything… including time, money, love, energy, space, resources, etc. 

13. I commit to seeing all people and circumstances as allies that are perfectly suited to help me learn the most important things for my growth. 

14. I commit to creating win for all solutions (win for me, win for the other person, win for the organization, and win for the whole) for whatever issues, problems, concerns, or opportunities life gives me.  

15. I commit to being the resolution or solution that is needed: seeing what is missing in the world as an invitation to become that which is required. 

Release A Belief

A "meditation" to release a belief no longer serving you,

by Amy Scher.

---

Even though I have this belief
that I'm unable to heal / I'm undeserving of healing, **
I acknowledge it's no longer working for me.

I give my subconscious full permission to help me clear it

From all of my cells, in all of my body,

permanently and completely.

I am now free to thank this old belief

for serving me in the past, when I really needed it.

I am now free to release all resistance to letting it go.

I am now free to release all ideas 

that I need this belief in order to stay safe

I am now free to release all ideas

that I need it for any reason at all.

I am now free to release all feelings

that I don't deserve to let it go.

I am now free to release all conscious

and subconscious causes for this belief.

I am now free to release all conscious 

and subconscious reasons for holding onto it.

I am now free to release all harmful patterns,

emotions and memories,

connected to this old outdated belief.

I am now free to release all generational or 

past life energies keeping it stuck.

All of my being is healing and clearing this energy NOW,

including any stress response stored in my cells.

Healing, healing, healing.

Clearing, clearing, clearing.

It is now time to install the new belief:

I can heal. I deserve to heal.

Installing, installing, installing.

Installing, installing, installing.

And so, it is done.

Guiding Principles

Trust the Motherly Giving Universe

- Life is a gift, live in the gratitude of what I receive

- I am never truly alone in my being

- Ask for answers and listen to receive them

- I am always supported in my decisions, no matter

- I am living in tandem with something greater

Living from my center / Higher Self

- Always coming back to myself, living from inside out

- This allows for living life through what I truly desire rather than what I think others want

Action over Thought

- Just do it. Don't think about it

- Action will breed more success than only thinking about something

- Thinking will create fear and anxiety of the future

- Action will show if something is right for me or not in time

Act from Love not Fear

- Love will make things more beautiful

- Allow others to love

Ultimate Self Compassion and Kindness

- Always be kind to myself, inside my thoughts, outside

- Treat myself as I would treat a friend

- Treat myself as a friend would treat me

- Everything I don't do and everything I do is OKAY

Life as Art and Beauty

- Remember to find beauty in all things and situations

- There is something to be created from everything around me

- Art is around me and WITHIN me, it wants out

Done is Better than Perfect

- Get messy and just get it out of me

- Get it done rather than get it perfect

- Perfection is my skewed perception of done

- Only way to learn from my past material

Service to Others

- All the personal work I do benefits others

- My alone time allows for growth

- Growth means I am more serving to community

- My service to others comes back around to me

- Others serve me equally

Healthy Body, Mind and Spirit

- To live a long life for retrospection and integration

- To support activities that allow me to thrive (dance, move, play)

- I can better express myself with a functioning vessel

- To support others through their struggles without my pain in the way

Ask What It Needs

 "Expectations based on the work itself are the most useful tool the artist possesses. What you need to know about the next piece is contained in the last piece. The place to learn about your materials is in the last use of your materials. The place to learn about your execution is in your execution. The best information about what you love is in your last contact with what you love. Put simply, your work is your guide: a complete, comprehensive, limitless reference book on your work. There is no other such book, and it is yours alone. It functions this way for no one else. Your fingerprints are all over your work, and you alone know how they got there. Your work tells you about your working methods, your discipline, your strengths and weaknesses, your habitual gestures, your willingness to embrace.

The lessons you are meant to learn are in your work. To see them, you need only look at the work clearly - without judgement, without need or fear, without wishes or hopes. Without emotional expectations. Ask your work what it needs, not what you need. Then set aside your fears and listen, the way a good parent listens to a child."

On Emotional Stability, Ambiguity, and New Versions of Me

What was it like, to be emotionally stable, to feel good in most - if not all - circumstances? How have I become this rollercoasting coaster of a woman? I had to open, had to crack, but could it be that now I am holding on to what has spilled out of me? Is it time to stop inspecting the contents that have left me and now investigate what is left at my core ... the lightness of my being?

It's as if I've trapped myself in a perpetual state of "opening", and the actual resulting space of openness has not been felt. Letting go of the transformative state is almost as hard as stepping into it. Maybe I haven't even experienced the new me post transformation.

So, how do I know when I've felt enough and must move on to equanimity? When do I start to focus elsewhere instead of on the pain and struggle? I've just learned how to feel anger, how to release frustration, how to see what I want and don't want, how to feel the spectrum of emotions. Seems easy to get addicted to these wild emotions. They're part of the HUMAN EXPERIENCE! and I've been missing out for decades until now! Although this is true, I don't want to become one who seeks drama with these new teachings.

I must realize I have learned everything from my teacher, and say goodbye. Now I can be the new version of myself: one who encompasses and expresses real emotion while also remaining steady, calm, and loving, specifically inwardly.

==

The ambiguity keeps me tied. It allows for one tiny crack of light to come through, one glimmer of hopeless romantic hope, underneath all of the hard layers I have built on top of my heart. No matter how much I deny it, there is constant wishful thinking, and that is because there has been absolutely no closure. Or perhaps there was, and it was not held to its truth. Am I the one who needs to close this door forever? is this even possible, would my soul allow itself to escape its confines of the prison I built around him?

==

The more time passes the less time passes between thoughts. After a good amount of time I am able to divert my attention of affection from he to me. It feels almost effortless, which is surprising as it is so unbearable when I relapse into one of my dreadful, heart-breaking episodes. They come on like a tidal wave with no warning. I think I've survived with no wounds or trauma to speak of, and yet, it remerges every time, showing its beastly head, showing me that locking it up and hiding it away never killed him. The only way to escape such tidal-wave-born beasts is if the cycle is broken, and to break such a cycle means to try something completely different. Something needs to be taken out of the equation completely. If he were never to return into my world, I would no doubt free the monster inside of me. But how do I come to make such a choice, to push someone I love so much far away from me, never to be seen again?

Our Place in the World

Is it really so hard to believe that "finding our purpose" is a big deal in today's culture? Doesn't it make sense that we search for meaning in what we do with our time - in how we slave our days - because we biologically long to be connected to the cycle of feeding our bodies? Perhaps the reason we are so intrinsically tied to our work, and are so quick to place our worth as humans in the hands of the job we've chosen, is because it replaces what used to be the physical daily rhythm of staying alive, of feeding our bodies. Our basic needs are now met, and the only connection we have to staying and feeling alive is making sure we have enough money to buy food. 

When we were connected to nature, when our senses were so attuned to the patterns of the day to show us the next place to eat and sleep, did we doubt our place in the world?