paradigm shift

TO GO FROM EVOLUTION THROUGH SUFFERING TO EVOLUTION THROUGH CREATION AND JOY...

join the tribe.

find your tribe of artists who also wish to heal this planet. find your team and be uplifted by the fact that you are not alone in this task. it is bigger than you, so it requires more than you. know that your efforts are all worthy; they are drops in the bucket of higher consciousness. you attract healers, lovers, makers, changers of the heart. for now, you are on your own - to do some big work - but you are far from alone. you must choose it everyday.

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my next partner is one who holds this vision also. who can aim to change the world with me. who pushes me to do the hard work, who does not resist his own growth. a a man who is ready for big love, a container to hold together through thick and thin... like my exemplars. i must turn the wheel deliberately; sift through. be picky. let him show up. until then, i must build my world and my purpose.

am I needy?

I believe I am quite an easy-going person. so much so that in the past, partners have tried hard to rile me up so they can see me get angry, to see my "passionate" side, to see that I actually care enough because "caring means getting upset". but I don't believe in that. I try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, try to see where they're coming from, and it doesn't make sense to blow up at each other to resolve an issue. instead of making them feel safe - they can usually come to me with most anything and resolve it with communication - they end up unable to trust me, as they think I must be hiding emotion or withholding information. so; being an easy-going person means when I do ask for something (because actions and words haven't amounted to connection), I think I'm too much. but is it fair, or is it needy, to ask for what I need?

consideration

how important is communication? how important is it to feel heard, understood, and cared for? what does being heard, understood and cared for look like, and is it so different from person to person? what is consideration, is it the combination of all three?

I ask myself what consideration means as I wait and wait to hear from my person. our situation has the added bonus of being long distance, so our only way to stay connected is through message and voice exchange. thankfully, we manage to see each other every 2-4 weeks, but it's been extra stressful since he has had a big change in work and since I've opened up vulnerably about the way I want to continue in the relationship. since the very beginning, our exchange style has proven to be quite contrasting; what I need is different than what he needs. now, after all this time, I start to question why he does it this way, and I'm trying to understand him more fully. all I can come to though, through this personal lens which was trained with my limited resources and blind to alternatives, is that he is not interested enough to care enough to consider my feelings as I wait for connection from him.

is this too much? is this "neediness"? in this current situation, I need more from him to feel heard and cared for, to feel considered. I've expressed this but it's never stuck. in this extremely vulnerable and tender place we've landed, it's even more important for me to hear from him, to be prioritized, to be thought of, even for one second; a couple of words, an image of what he's up to, a song or a quote or a "thinking of you". when I put it this way it sounds so needy. is it not his love language? even when it's not someone's love language, how do they process their love inside themselves and lack the awareness that the partner might be wanting to hear it and feel it? how do they not want to share their inner process? how can I continue to know and trust that the care and love is there without any drop in, any communication for days? I simply struggle to understand. I want to understand.

at this moment, the only way my brain can make sense of this behaviour is that there is not enough consideration, which ultimately means there is no forethought or care about how I might be feeling. that means, I suppose, that there is not enough love there to put himself aside and give me something I need that perhaps he doesn't at that moment. I read it as, "I'm doing my thing, I don't need to do anything else for anyone else". the way I think of love is to put myself down for a second and consider what the other person might need, and I try my hardest to inquire and hopefully give them that. even just the question, the curiosity of "what might my partner need?" should lead to a result of feeling cared for and considered.

should it not?

start from the real start

the biggest fear is the one unknown. the threshold to a new land, to a new kind of safety, one I can never truly understand unless I pass through first. 

I realize I've been holding myself back from getting something I truly want. this doesn't mean I won't get things I don't want along with it - on the contrary, the good with the bad will come. I will be glad to have had the courage to stand up for myself, to have the hard conversations, to keep choosing yes, you, yes ... you. every day in every challenge. 

the heaviness of doing it alone is wearing me thin. I begin again. again. again. over and over I begin alone, trying to build a life to sustain me so that I may continue on the path to sustainability. starting alone is the opposite of doing it with another; if I truly want a life of union, then I must step away from alone completely and integrate, good, bad, ugly, joyful, ecstatic, blissful, disappointing, annoying, invigorating, heartbreaking, illuminating ... the yin and yang of existence, two opposites pouring from one container.

starting again alone means never asking the hard questions. starting again alone means the safe bet ... and the continuous "whatever" of life going round and round. I'm done with whatever. the fears are completely unfounded and do not stand on their own. when examined in the light, they stand no chance to be viable; they show the truth of my hiding, my holding to excuses and old beliefs which keep me in the past.

starting over means having nothing to lose and everything to gain. I can choose to start from anywhere - why not from where I truly, deeply want?

wealth for me = wealth for you

why is it so hard to feel good about wealth?

why do we have to prove ourselves,

to "work hard" for what we have?

what if it was easy, what if it was gifted, received?

can we not accept plenty, more, a lot,

without shame or guilt, without the feeling of unfairness?

I want my cup to be so full it overflows

so that I may pour everything into yours

(and still have some left for me)

I want to be filled over and over

so I may spill over into yours, again

and on and on I would stay full

and you would stay full

and we would drink from each other

both full, both satisfied for infinity.

on receiving the good (or bad)

who am I to say
where the miracle should come from?
who delivers it,
what gets delivered?
if I am emptiness,
the void may get filled with
all the jewels in the world,
and equally,
all the compost for fertile soil.

there may be many deaths I must die
before understanding everything is good for me.
the fortune and the mis -
the beautiful and the tarnished.
any gift of any nature
teaches the dreamer to accept what is,
and my dreams are echoing teachings
hard to accept, hard to master.

family dynamics

I've been watching my family change, grow, evolve ... at lighting speed.

all of a sudden, we can have focused conversations. all of a sudden, we can connect with each other. we look at each other in the eyes, hold gaze; they are patient and spacious, they are listening. they are present with me.

it's such a beautiful gift, and I'm not sure how it came to be this way. a lifetime of being family, being a certain way together, and all of a sudden we relate so differently. is it in the stars? is it in their new carnivore diet? (that makes me chuckle) is it just timing?

I'll never know.